I believe that over the years I have become quite adept at hiding my hurts. I speak of forgiveness and of forgiving and of loving my enemies and the importance of it. I speak of it in such a way that people might think my superpower is the ability to have arrows bounce off my heart instead of penetrating deeply into my soul.
I don't know what you'd call that superpower. It should have a pretty cool name. I'll have to think of one.
But alas, I am a fake. I fear I am like the Pharisees, making a great show of my spiritual depth, but all the while I am like grass with no roots. The least little wind blows me away, scattering me in a hundred directions.
My friend, Doug Jackson said this, "The question we can ask is whether our own shows of spirituality, meant to fool the world, lead us to lie to our own hearts."
God is teaching me (always a painful and scary process) that making a show of forgiveness when deep hurt is still within me, might fool the world, but not Him. And it doesn't heal me. It hurts me, only driving the woundedness even further in. I have learned that breaking off the shaft of the arrow, while leaving the sharp, barberous tip deep within me creates an infectious wound in my soul.
All that to say, I, Carol Jones, am a grudge holder. Deny it as I might, it has become transparent and I can ignore it no longer. I must dig out the arrows, expose the wounds to the Light, and let them be healed once and for all.
Carol - Thanks for the shout-out. Things like this give me a whole new insight into what Scripture means about "dying to self."
ReplyDeleteYea, I relate to you on this one, Carol.
ReplyDeleteSorry you're having to struggle.
I have a friend who told me once that my own desire to grow in Christ was the source of a lot of my pain. She knew that I prayed often to know Christ more...
she laughed and said she didn't want to grow that much!
bj