Day 84: Searching

We are all searching. Searching for significance, searching for "the one," searching for a job, searching for a roommate, a place to live, a buyer for our house, a friend, a date, the right dress, the right shoes, or even the right words. We are searching for justice and compassion and love and hope. We are searching.

Sometimes our search feels so in vain. And the more elusive that for which we search becomes, the harder we search, the more invested we become, until that THING that we search for consumes us.

We become consumed by the search itself.

I have spent the last three days in search of wisdom. I believe this is what Jesus would have me do. And yet, I don't feel consumed. I feel hopeful. I feel loved. I feel valued. Don't know that I feel wise yet, but perhaps that will come.

All that to say, we are all searching for something.

Day 83: Injustice

Last night Baby "S" fell asleep in my arms. She almost fell asleep in her high chair, which is incredibly unusual b/c she normally is quite fiesty during mealtime. But after dinner, with her cute little blue jammies on, she crawled up in my lap and went sound to sleep.

About 2 hours later, I heard this terrified scream coming from her bedroom. So I flew up the steps, (as only a mommy bent on rescue can do)and found her standing and screaming in her bed. She does this periodically and it is always so sad. Such terror in her eyes from one so young. . .

I tried to give her a bottle and put her back to bed but she was having none of it, so I took her downstairs with me and held her for a while. Within a few minutes I thought, this kid is REALLY hot. So we all searched frantically for the baby thermometer (which we had JUST used, er "I" had just used the day before for the other baby) but to no avail.

In the midst of the search, she projectile vomited undigested salsbury steak. Sorry, that's graphic, but you needed the visual. We got her all cleaned up, then me, then the carpet and doors. Gave up on the thermometer, gave her some tylenol because she was HOT and then Zack held her while I changed my clothes, etc.

Then MORE projectile vomiting. This time on Zack. But man he handled it like a champ! So tender and gentle with her. Very impressed. So more cleaning everyone and everything up.

And then she moaned, and moaned, and moaned. And I held her until she fell asleep in my arms. Finally, I laid her little body down in a makeshift crib next to my bed and I cried.

"Oh God," I asked. "How can someone so little have to live with such injustices? She's been neglected and abused and shifted from house to house to house. Her little immune system is crap. Her spirit is fragile. And now this! Please God, rescue her."

All that to say, I'm a little pissed. Well, I'm a lot pissed. I'm pissed at injustice and the enemy that twists something so beautiful as childhood. People, love your children. Love them in a way they deserve to be loved. Feed them, clothe them, give them good care (even if you have to work you can do this!) And then love them like there is no tomorrow! Say freaking NO to the enemy and his injustice. Arrgghh!!!!!

Day 82: God Has a Thing About Three

I believe that each of us were created with three very distinct purposes that were hard-wired into us. I'm not a theologian, heck I can't even say theologian (and probably can't spell it either) so I'm not saying this is based on some higher education that I have. It's just my opinion.

But I think that we were created to love Jesus, live in community with others, and serve. I think all three of these things are evident in Eden, before sin entered the world, so I believe God intended them to be a part of our makeup from the beginning.

He wanted us to love Him. And, He knew we needed other humans, so He created us to live in community. And He wanted us to serve Him and others. It's all there in Genesis.

So whenever I encounter someone who tells me that they feel like something is missing in their life, it's usually one of these three things.

Sometimes I feel like something is missing in my own life.

I love Jesus with all my heart and mind and soul and strength and pray I live a life that reflects that love. But sometimes, I still feel lonely, alone, lost, afraid, purposeless, restless. I feel like "something" is missing and I can't quite put my finger on what that "something" is.

Most often it is that I am disconnected from God. My time alone with Him has become rote or worse than that, non-existent.

Other times it's because I have isolated myself from friends and family, hiding a burden deep in my heart, not living in real authentic community, and that's what I am missing.

But many, many times it is because I have stopped serving others. My needs, my desires, my to-do list becomes more important than serving others, and not just others who are less fortunate. Self-centerdness takes over and I become so ME focused that I become lost in myself . . . perhaps the loneliest place of all.

I think having our little babies for these short weeks has reopened my eyes to what it means to serve others. I don't think everyone has to foster a child to live out their purpose, but I think we have to do something, at least once in our life, that so radically disrupts us that we get "connected" to what we created for.

Love God, Live in Community, Serve Others

All that to say, Love, Live, Serve. God has a thing about three. Shauna, do you see a theme?

Day 81: Already Missing Them

I haven't blogged much this month as I find the only times of the day I have to blog are when toddlers are sleeping. And when they are sleeping I have too many other things to accomplish.

But they woke up at 5:00 this morning and I stayed awake after that. So here I am.

I have such mixed emotions these days. The girls will most likely be leaving us soon, possibly as soon as next week, but it could be longer. Only God knows.

Our home is a wreck most of the time, strewn with toys and half-eaten books and forgotten diapers (I know, right?, but sometimes you get busy and forget)and empty bottles and piles of laundry.

Our home is rarely quiet. It is filled with the sounds of laughing babies, crying babies, screaming babies, delighted babies, angry babies, hurt babies, babies having nightmares in the middle of the night, babies demanding to be held and loved.

Our home is not the same place it was 7 weeks ago. It is a busier place, a dirtier place, a louder place, but a better place.

Something about our sweet babies have knitted us together in a new way.

All that to say, I already miss them.

Day 80: Dolls

I realized today that it has been almost two weeks since I have blogged. I have not blogged primarily because I do not have a second in any day that is not consumed with either working or taking care of babies. Even after they have gone to sleep, I have been cleaning out lunch boxes and diaper bags and preparing them for the next day. I have been washing baby clothes and washing more baby clothes and taking out trash cans filled with diapers and picking up the millions of tiny toys that now litter my home. And FINALLY, when all that is done, I fall into bed exhausted, too exhausted to blog or do anything else but sleep.

Nothing is really different tonight, but I just decided I would blog. I'm sitting directly across from a pile of washed and dried baby clothes that are still waiting to be folded and put away, but I don't even care! (Well, I sorta do care, but I'm not gonna fold them right now.)

We took the girls to the store today to buy them baby dolls. We felt like they needed to have some black babydolls in addition to the many white ones that they have. I don't know why we feel that way, but it seemed right, so we headed out to Toys R Us. Baby "N" was absolutely enamored with the sweet babydolls, but Baby "S" was having nothing to do with them. It was really quite funny.

In the end we bought them both a black babydoll. Once we got in the car, Baby "S" decided she did indeed like the doll and threw a fit to have it in the car. Somedays there is no pleasing that girl!

All that to say, everyday is a new experience for us. We've never shopped for babydolls before. Unless you count the "My Buddy" doll that Zack had, and Jacob's Cabbage Patch Preemie named "Hanibel."

Day 79: I Am Lame

I was at Double Daves Pizza (don't judge me) standing over the salad bar, when I approached the dressing choices. They had so many dressings of similar colors that I had to try and read the dressing name on the handle, which was also covered with said dressing. Yuck.

Anyway, I selected what I thought was ranch (assuming the other was low calorie ranch) when I realized the name on the handle was two words. Granted, two words I couldn't read well, but I am at least smart enough to know that TWO WORDS could not possibly spell RANCH. I quickly deciphered that said dressing must have been Blue Cheese, because what other white dressing has two words?

Sadly, I stood there thinking about Blue Cheese and my childhood, when Blue Cheese was the only offering. Ranch hadn't made its way onto the scene and Blue Cheese was the then King of Dressings. I thought about when Ranch was a new dressing and how everyone fell in love with it and talked about it like it was the greatest thing since sliced bread. And then I felt a little sadness for blue cheese. Like, not only did it become "old news" it became non-existent. It was no longer offered on menus. You couldn't even "special order" it in fancy restaurants. It was gone. Completely gone.

Suddenly I smiled as I realized that Blue Cheese had staged a comeback and I thought gleefully, "Good for you blue cheese. Good for you." As if to say, "If blue cheese can do it, there is hope for everyone, everywhere."

All that to say, I wish I was making that up. But I'm not. I might need therapy.