Day 67: Copper Mountain

Mike and I are at the home of our good friends, Allen and Doris Tarbutton. We have been friends with them for a number of years and recently started coming to their home here in Copper for several days of what I call intense prayer therapy.

They spoil us rotten during the day stuffing with homemade waffles for breakfast and homemade soups for lunch. Then we do something fun out in the snow, and lastly are treated to a nice dinner. Then the end of the evening is spent praying. Lots and lots of praying. Deep soul searching praying.

All that to day, this will be my last post for several days. I'm in therapy!

Day 66: I'm So Dizzy, My Head is Spinning

I am still dizzy. But today, I'm dizzy and a little bit (gross understatement) mad. I'm dizzy for the same reason I have been dizzy since Saturday . . . I have vertigo. I'm mad because my doctor called me today to see how I am doing.

You would think that call would make me happy, and maybe it does a little, happy to know that my doctor actually has given me some thought since I saw him on Monday. Happy to know that doctors still care about how their patients are doing. But sadly, I'm mostly just frustrated.

His phone call (via his nurse) was to ask me how I was feeling, was I still dizzy, did I have any new symptoms, etc. When I reported I was exactly the same, no change, no better, no worse, just dizzy, maddeningly dizzy, the nurse assured me she would pass that info on to the doctor and I would hear back.

True to her word, I did hear back, in less than 10 minutes no less! She said the doctor wanted to put me on some medication that might help. Now here's the part that's frustrating. On Monday, he told me that there really wasn't any medication that they could give me that would help. They gave me some head movement exercises (designed to make you look stupid and feel even more dizzy apparently), but said that medication wouldn't help. So WHY, FOUR DAYS LATER, will medication suddenly help me? I'm confused. And mad. And sick of being dizzy.

To help me lessen my anger, I have made a list of all the funny things about being dizzy:

--I can't walk in a straight line. I pull to the left, sort of like a car pulls to the left when it needs a front-end alignment. (No comments about me needing a front-end alignment please).

--Periodically, I have to close my eyes until the room stops spinning, but this doesn't keep me from continuing the conversation that we are having . . . I just talk with my eyes closed. Then I peek one eye open to see if the room has lessened its spin.

--I tilt my head from one side to the other, sort of like a dog does when trying to discern a sound.

--I sleep with both arms out to my side (sort of like a snow angel position) because that helps stop the feeling that I am going to spin off my bed at any given moment.

All that to say, I'm so dizzy, my head is spinning.

Day 65: I'm Still Spinning

I still have vertigo. Four days in bed did nothing to speed me along in my recovery, so today, I am up and about. I drove to work, which wasn't nearly as harrowing as I thought it would be. Actually, of all the things I have done, driving seemed to cause the least amount of dizziness and spinning. Hmmmmm.

Anyway, I showered today, and other than the spinning sensation I had while washing my hair, I found that as long as I held onto the wall with one hand, showering was a much easier task than I thought it would be. Blow drying my hair however, not so much. I think it's because you have to do it while looking in a mirror, which automatically causes your brain to have to work a little harder (since you are seeing everything in reverse). So I had a few falling over mishaps while doing my hair.

The weirdest thing about vertigo is that my eyes look BIZARRE. My pupils are tiny and my eyes seem to move back and forth rapidly (a condition called nystagmus . . . yes, I have spent too much time on the internet exploring this condition, but what else was I supposed to do for FOUR days!) So, in order to try to get my environment to STOP moving, apparently I open my eyes really wide which makes me look like a mad woman!

All that to say, I hope this goes away soon. I am a mess. :)

Day 64: I Feel the Earth Move

I have vertigo. For those of you who don't know what vertigo is, it's where your brain tells your body that it is moving or that the world around you is moving. This "movement" is really better described as spinning. (Think back to college and that trash can punch you drank that one time and how it made the bed spin out of control . . . same sensation. Not fun.)

I had this once before, a lot of years ago, and the doctor told me it was caused from allergies and an inflammation in the inner ear. He gave me a whopping steroid shot and sure enough, it went away the next day.

This time, my doctor gave me a long explanation of my problem and told me there was really nothing medically speaking that they could do for me. Here's what he told me.

"The vestibular labyrinth, inside the ear, includes semicircular canals (loop-shaped structures) that contain fluid and tiny hair-like sensors that monitor the rotation of the head. The otolith organs, also in the ear, monitor movements of the head and its position. There are crystals in the otolith organs that make us sensitive to movement. Sometimes, when the patient is lying down, these crystals can become dislodged and move into one of the semicircular canals, making it sensitive to head position changes - something it would not normally do. This unusual response to head movements by the semicircular canal can give patients vertigo symptoms."

I especially liked reading that this is most common in elderly patients. ELDERLY.

My "onset" was most likely caused from a violent sneezing episode I had on Friday night, which set this whole thing in motion. No pun intended.

They say it only lasts a few hours or days, typically, sometimes weeks or months. The downside is I can't do anything but sit around. No driving for sure. Limited reading, watching tv, computer (ARGH!). And, if you know me at all, you know I don't do "limited" very well!

Supposedly the cessation of my symptoms will come on as quickly as the onset. Those little wayward crystals will find themselves a proper place to rest and I will be well. I hope that happens soon.

All that to say, I feel the earth move and it is not nearly as fun as Carole King makes it sound.

Day 63: Life Spills Over

I am a dreamer. Not a dreamer as in I think about what "could be" in life, but a dreamer as in I have a very ACTIVE dream life when I am asleep.

Usually, and sadly, my dreams are incredibly violent and horrific. Someone is always getting chased or eaten by giant spiders or eaten by zombies or attacked by werewolves while sitting on the toilet. (Funny aside, I used to always be the one getting chased in my dreams, and I could never run, so I would scream this gutteral scream that would be an actual scream that would wake up my husband. BUT, ever since I started running in real life, I don't get chased in my dreams anymore. Weird)

Sometimes my dreams are fantastical dreams where dragons and little girls are best friends, or the clouds are made of meringue and when it rains, pies fall from the sky.

And sometimes my dreams are just an overflow of life. Things happen in the daytime that my brain wants to chew on, but I won't let it (at least while I am awake) so when I fall asleep, my subconcious likes to problem solve for me.

I read somewhere that means that I have not given the proper amount of thought to the problem while awake. Could be. I have also read that when real life spills over into your dream life it means that you need to organize your thoughts a little better during the day (ie: write stuff down, make lists, etc.)so you don't worry you will forget stuff.

All that to say, I could use a night of sleep without dreams . . . or at least a dream with Brad Pitt in it (minus that gross beard of course).

Day 62: I Choose You

Today, while lying on a table in the dark, with a heavy gel mask drying so firmly on my face that I could not even open my eyes, I had a "God" moment. It could have been a very heavy moment, but it wasn't. And as you read this blog, it might feel heavy, but it isn't. It's freeing. And the "aha" part of it shouldn't have been an "aha" to me at all, but it was.

I was telling God that I often find myself feeling hurt because I don't engender loyalty from the people in my life that love me. I listed all the examples I could think of. I told Him of the assistant who chose to go to work for another boss within our company. Although she was given the choice to choose him or me, she chose him. And although I felt like her reasons were valid, it still made me think, why not me? I told Him of a very close friend who knew of a very difficult situation in my life, and given the opportunity to stand on my side of the line, or the other side, she chose the other side. And again I asked God, "What is it about me that makes people not choose me?

As I prayed, I began to remember things from my childhood, and I started to realize that this hurt I feel, this need for people to "choose" me, was very, very deep and went all the way back to my parent's divorce. I wanted my Mom to choose me and my brothers over going out, or over her new boyfriend. I wanted my Dad to choose me and my brothers over his new wives or his new step kids.

The coming of this realization didn't come in a painful way. It was actually a freeing revelation; freeing because I just asked God to take away the hurt. And He said this, "Carol, I choose you. I chose you. In every way that it will ever matter in your life, I choose you. And that's all you need."

All that to say, I'm so grateful that God speaks to me like a little girl, that He speaks to the little child inside of me that still has hurts and still has scars. And it comforts me, heals me, and sets me free. I am Chosen.

Day 61: Curve Balls

It's been a day of curve balls. First of all, I need to just stay off of facebook. Half of the drama in my life comes from facebook. I'll see something that someone else wrote on someone's else's wall about someone else and before you know it, I am surrounded by drama. And considering how drama is one of my least favorite things in the world, I ESPECIALLY hate facebook drama.

Second, you wake up thinking it's going to be one kind of day, and it ends up being a different kind of day. Not a day of turmoil really, but a day of shocking and surprising occurrences that leave you shaking your head going, "W T H?"

Third, it's a beautifully sunny day and all I want to be doing is sitting outside reading a good book, but I am forced to sit behind a computer doing work.

So, I have decided to take the day back! I'm literally going to SEIZE the DAY! I'm going to sit outside while there is still beautiful sunlight left. I'm going to inhale and exhale until I don't care anymore what someone said to someone about someone else on facebook. And I'm going to pray for the people in my life that I love who have had a day of curve balls.

All that to say, well . . . I don't really know what to say. Funny, I'M at a loss for words. HA!

Day 60: How Did We Survive?

I'm writing this knowing that it instantly dates me, but oh well. As I was driving to work this morning, the DJ's on the morning show were discussing what to do with your kids during spring break. One of the people that phoned in talked about riding bikes with her little kids and that prompted a discussion of helmets and knee pads and the like. THAT led my brain to start thinking about all the crazy, dangerous things we did as kids! How in the world did we survive?

For example:
1. How did we survive riding bikes without helmets and kneepads?
2. How did we survive cars without seatbelts?
3. How did we survive walking to school or riding our bikes to school without a parental escort?
4. How did we survive eating red dye?
5. How did we survive eating food cooked with bacon grease which was stored in the empty coffee can on the stovetop?
6. How did we survive eating dyed Easter Eggs that sat out on the kitchen cabinet for days?
7. How did we survive on an allowance that was less than $20?
8. How did we survive school busses without emergency exit windows?
9. How did we survive long car trips without a personal dvd player?
10. How did we survive preschool without a tv in our bedrooms?

Oh the torture and danger we endured as kids.

All that to say, it's nothing short of a miracle we survived our childhoods.

Day 59: Choosing Good

Knowing good and doing it are two different things. I think so often that we know the right thing to do, the good thing, but we choose the "less right" thing or the "less good" thing because those things are easier or will get us our way.

How is it that acquiring what we want is a better way in our brains than choosing what is right? It truly makes no sense. I'm am not innocent of this method of choice making. I suspect you are not either.

Imagine if we chose the good thing, the right thing every time. How different would our lives look? They wouldn't be filled with self-indulgence and the fruits of such; of that I am certain. It's seems so simple when I write it, when I see it in black and white print. Choose the good way. Don't choose the self-indulgent way. What I want for myself is just possibly not the best thing for me.

All that to say, as Grandma used to say, "Life is a series of small good choices."

Day 58: Comfort Food

I am making a family cookbook. I decided to do this because my sister-in-law made a cookbook for her daughters, and I thought it was a brilliant idea.

I loved the idea of a cookbook that include not only the recipes from my husband's side of the family, but all the ones from my side of the family as well. I'm calling it "Generations of Comfort."

I have spent the last 2 weeks uploading all of the recipes I have personally collected over the years. I was astounded at how many of them I have, and even more surprised by the ones I am pretty sure I have never cooked!

I have to say, I'm pretty excited that the family recipe's are starting to slowly roll in. When I open my email and my inbox has a recipe in it, it's so fun. It's like Christmas!

I'm thinking that once I get it all put together and published, I might cook through the cookbook, Julie and Julia style. Sort of an "ode to my family" thing.

All that to say, food and family. Two of my favorite things.

Day 57: Goals

The purpose of a goal is to help you have something to reach for, something to shoot for, something . . . maybe . . . to look forward to. I have set many goals in my life; many of which I have achieved and many of which I have not.

Combine with my goal setting, my insatiable desire to learn, and you have got one busy woman on your hands!

Most recently I have been learning to run. Last fall I tried, but my shoes weren't right for my feet, which caused me terrible body pains all the time, so I gave up.

But alas, there is a runner who lives in my house. A persistent runner. A persuasive, persistent runner, who would not take "NO" for an answer from me until he was certain I had really given it a real try.

So for Christmas I got custom fit running shoes, running pants, gloves, a hat, and two long sleeve running shirts! (He is also adamant about wearing the proper clothes while running!) I mean really, there was NO WAY I was going to get out of learning how to run.

I started the first week in January and was only able to run about 30 seconds without struggling for air. Then I had to walk for about 2 minutes to recover! Gradually I was able to run 1 minute and then two minutes and then three minutes. And gradually I needed less and less and less time to recover.

Then, I joined a running group to train for a 5K race. I've been in this group for about 6 weeks now and today we had a distance trial because our first 5K is in two weeks! Up to this point the farthest I had run without stopping was 1.2 miles (a fact I was VERY proud of!)

So I set out this morning with a goal, a lofty goal of 2 miles, almost double the distance I had ever run at one time without stopping. Prior to my run, my running coach (AKA JACOB) gave me this advice:

- Don't look at your timer until you don't think you can take another step
- Pace yourself. Don't go faster than you should
- Don't let your head talk you into stopping sooner than your body needs to

I ran. And I ran. And I ran. I paced myself. I didn't look at my timer. I didn't listen to my head. I just ran. And about 20 minutes in, a guy came about behind me and said, "Hey, wasn't your goal two miles? Keep going. You're at 1.7 miles!" For some reason, you would think that would have been motivating, but it wasn't. All the sudden, I felt like my brain had convinced my body it was DONE.

"Come on CAROL!" I said to myself. "Run. Don't think. Just run. Slow down, catch your breath, and keep running."

32 minutes into the race, I looked at my timer and realized I had run 2.52 miles WITHOUT STOPPING. Woo Hoo!

All that to say, in two weeks, I will run a 5K. I won't run it fast, but I will run it, and I will run the whole thing . . . and I won't need oxygen. :)

Day 56: Obsessed

I have never written about this, at least to my recollection, but I have a disorder, namely Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, commonly known as OCD. When most people think of OCD, they think of Jack Nicholson in the movie "As Good As It Gets." His character's condition manifests itself in many ways, but primarily he is obsessed with germs, an obsession which almost renders him incapable of functioning.

But OCD can manifest itself in many, many ways. My early realization of my own OCD came when I became aware of the fact that anytime I climbed steps, I counted them. And, if I didn't end up on an even number, then I would "fake" the last step, pretending to climb one more invisible step, just so I could end on an even number. Someone laughed at me once when they caught me doing it, and I realized for the first time that it wasn't "normal." When I explained what I was doing and why, they said simply, "Well why don't you just count by 2 and then you'll always end up on an even number." This great idea helped me in two ways. It allowed me to stop faking that last step, and it let me hide my OCD.

I soon noticed that I also counted by fours. Anytime I was in a room that had panels of any sort, ceiling tiles, wall tiles, shower tiles, floor tiles, then I would drive myself crazy with distraction counting each square and rectangle. I had to stop sleeping with a digital clock on my side of the bed because I couldn't fall asleep until the lines that created the numbers could be counted by fours AND would end up on an even number. My disorder, this compulsive counting that I did, became dangerous when I started counting the rectangular shaped lane lines on roads and highways! Fortunately, I learned some behavorial modification therapies that allowed me to compensate for these issues.

For a short period of time, I had a thing where I could not touch doorknobs in public places. If I had to touch one for any reason, I had to wash my hands several times to get over the thought that I had horrible germs on me.

But the worst part of my OCD has been and continues to be my obsessive thought patterns. Once something gets in my brain, it is incredibly difficult to get it out. That is why I don't watch horror movies. Because I will obsess about what I have seen until I am certain that the creature from the black lagoon has set up residence in my shower.

Only recently have I come to understand that my need to control things comes from this particular disorder as well. The more something is out of my control, the more my brain wants to create scenarios where I can control it. Sometimes these controlling, obsessive thoughts even creep over into my sleep, where my subconscious brain often creates gruesome solutions to my problems.

When my life becomes too stressful, when situations become literally out of my control, when I can see no way out of something, that's when it gets bad. Fortunately for me, this happens very rarely. It's almost like a cosmic aligning of the stars has to happen. Currently, I have an emotionally stressful situation in my life, AND I'm busier at work than ever before, AND 3 of the 4 people in my house are not happily employed. So my brain is working overtime trying to control all of these things that are out of my control. It's mentally and physically exhausting.

All that to say, I am glad that I can cling to the fact that I know Someone else is indeed in control. So when my brain wants to convince me otherwise, I simply claim the Truth. And mercifully, (on most days) the Truth sets me free.

Day 55: Forgiveness Is

From time to time in my life, well . . . probably daily if I am honest, I am beckoned to forgive. Forgiveness can come in so many ways.

There's instant forgiveness.

Person 1: "Oh, I'm sorry I bumped your car with my door"
Person 2: "Oh that's okay."

Person 1: "Hey sorry. I took your stapler last Friday and totally forgot to return
Person 2: "Oh no problem."

Then there is the kind that takes days to achieve. This is usually what happens when a married couple argues. It might take them a day or two to "practice forgiveness."

Then there is the kind that takes a really long time to achieve. Forgiving someone who has hurt you in a deep, deep way can seem almost impossible. But not forgiving often only compounds the injury, driving the hurt even deeper into our hearts and souls.

Not forgiving is bondage. If we want to be free from the torment and torture of it, we must choose to forgive, and in doing so, set ourselves free.

I think the reason we find it so hard to forgive such deep hurt is because we feel like it lets the one who has injured us off the hook. It feels like we're saying what they did to us didn't really happen. Of course it still happened! But holding it so close, bearing that memory with such weight . . . it only hurts us more.

However, knowing we must forgive and practicing it, so much harder. So how do we move forward, forgiving others and yet being okay with keeping up our guard so as not to get hurt again? That's a great question.

All that to say, forgiveness is . . . (so many words come to mind here, none appropriate to type.)

Day 54: Breathe In, Breathe Out

One of the things I like least about myself is my ability to fall into a heap of worry goo, even when I don't know for sure that I have anything to worry about. I can take the tiniest thing; a word, a sentence, a phrase, and turn it into something HUGE!

I don't know why I do this. I tried yesterday reciting scripture, praying, praying some more, and yet, I still feel like a worry virus has infested my bloodstream and is coarsing through my veins! (Now I'm worrying I didn't spell coarsing right!)

All that to say, I need to take a lot of deep breaths. Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out.

Day 53: Grown Ups

I really find myself at a loss for words today because everything I might want to write about today is so personal and private. And, beyond that, the stories I would tell you today are not mine to tell.

I have two friends, each with grown children, or at least children who consider themselves grown, who are making their life difficult.

Several months ago I remember telling my boss that it was difficult to parent grown up children, and he said, "That's because you're not supposed to."

Well maybe you're not supposed to parent them. But when they are in that place between "on their own" and "in the home", it can get hairy.

All that to say, to my two friends, these days will pass.

Day 52: Happy Birthday Cub

This is Jacob's first birthday post ever. It's his first because he hates it when I write about him, but I didn't ask this year, I just did it! Jacob is 24 years old today. He was born, on schedule, weighing in at 7 lbs and 13oz.

In honor of his birthday, I would like to point out some things about Jacob that I like.

1. He's funny and makes us laugh.
2. He's persistent and doesn't give up easily.
3. He's persuasive and can convince others to do what he wants on a fairly regular basis! (Our entire family is running, just to give you one example!)
4. He's not afraid of a challenge.
5. He actually enjoys coffee!
6. He loves others unconditionally. I cannot honestly say that about another living soul that I know.
7. He has a heart for the marginalized of the world, which led him to start his very own non-profit organization called The Shoe Shed.
8. He likes Grey's Anatomy.
9. He loves Jesus.
10. He has grown up to be okay with our entire family calling him "Cub"; a nickname that his brother gave him when he was a baby.

All that to say, Happy Birthday Jacob. I love you.

Day 51: Still Running

It wasn't really a New Year's resolution or anything, but I got running shoes for Christmas, and I started running after the first of the year. Well, I guess technically it wasn't running, but it was at least an attempt at running! I would run for as long as I could without collapsing in need of oxygen. Then I would walk until I could catch my breath and then do it all over again. The running usually lasted about 30-45 seconds and the recovery walk lasted about 2-3 minutes.

I would have found it very easy to give up, I think, and might still find it easy to quit, were it not for the constant support and encouragement from my husband and sons. Jacob has been my running coach, especially helping me understand my boundaries in the early days. And Mike and Zack have been my running partners. I get home late at night, so I can't run by myself, and they are both very gracious about running at me. Of course, Jacob runs with me too! And I also joined a running group, so that helps me be accountable as well.

I don't think you can really understand the sacrifice the three of them are making unless you have run alongside me. You see, I'm slow. Very slow. I run about a 12 minute mile (including my walk time) and they are all much faster than that. But they run alongside me and never make me feel like I'm dragging them down. It's very nice.

Now, I can run about a mile and a half without stopping, and without dying. I'm proud of myself. I hope my body holds up though. :)

All that to say, I'm still running.

Day 50: Fifty Days of Blogging

It's been fifty days of blogging so far. The idea was to blog with photographs, and I confess, I have been woefully poor at practicing with my camera, and even worse about posting the ones I take.

But, I'm pretty proud of the fact that other than being on vacation, I've done pretty well at posting daily, even when I had absolutely nothing worthy of writing about!

Today, is my day off, and I have so much work-related work to do. I hate having to work on my day off. And I have learned from past experience that it's a slippery slope. You say it's a one time thing, and before you know it, it happens again. And then again. And then again. And then you're working all the time and not doing anything you enjoy.

So, I'm going to work today. I have to. I have two meeting scheduled and three days until I have to present some big reports. BUT, I'm not going to stay on this slippery slope.

All that to say, if you see me blogging about working on my day off, yell at me. (THAT'S ALL CAPS IN TYPING LAND)

Day 49: Mi Familia

First of all, I don't know why my title is in Spanish. I don't actually speak Spanish, but it's what came to my brain, so there you go.

Last night, my family and I celebrated Jacob's 24th birthday together in our usual Jones family tradition, with a meal. Seems like a lot of our celebrations involve some sort of food . . . hmmmmm.

Our tradition is that the birthday boy or girl gets to choose their birthday meal. It doesn't have to be at a restaurant, but more often than not over the past few years, it has been at a restaurant. My birthday is in a few months, and I was already declaring the restaurant of choice for my birthday! Zack was too!

But for Jacob's 24th, we went to Perry's Steakhouse and Grille. Jacob did some homework before we got there and knew what wine we should order and even a specialty dessert that isn't on the menu! He combined the "Nutty D'Angelo" with "Bananas Foster." So yummy. Several waiters came over and watched while it was being made and declared they would have to try it! (Plus since it is the cost of TWO desserts, if they can get their customers to order it, their tip goes up!)

As birthday celebrations go, it was really a nice evening. Usually there are friends or girlfriends along, but this year, it was just the four of us. We had great conversation, no heated debates, no lectures about eating what you order, just a great night. When we left, we took the usual birthday pictures. Sadly, the one I took is blurry. :( It would have been a great shot!

When we left the restaurant, Mike said, "That was nice. It was like a bunch of grown-ups having dinner together." :) Imagine that.

All that to say, te amo mi familia. Sure hope that's how you say it!

Day 48: Opportunity Knocks

I watched this movie once called "Evan Almighty." In the movie, God is having a conversation with a woman over a good plate of barbeque. She is not happy with God because her family has broken up, and all this AFTER she prayed and asked God to help her family love each other better.

God says something to her along the lines of, "If you pray for me to make you more patient, I'm going to give you opportunities to be patient. You prayed for your family to love each other better, and I gave you the opportunity to love each other better."

I have been praying lately to be more forgiving. To forgive as Jesus did. So what has God done to answer that prayer? (The answer seems obvious, doesn't it?)

All that to say, be careful what you ask for.

Day 47: Warm

I read this on a friend's blog yesterday. It's a retelling of a retelling, meaning she retold the story that she heard someone else tell. But it's a great story, and even if the names aren't right, the point of the story is the same.

Recently, a man from Uganda, Pastor Richard, was visiting a friend who lives in The Woodlands. We'd had many freezing days in a row here and people still had their plants and shrubs covered to protect them from the bitter cold. As Pastor Richard looked out the truck window on his way home from lunch he said to his Woodlands friend, "Pastor Larry, It's amazing, even your plants have blankets."

We speak often of helping others. Of being Jesus to those in need. Of giving to those who are desperate. And yet, that sentence, "Even your plants have blankets," makes me realize just how rich we are, and just how little we give. I'm not saying it's wrong to protect your plants. I just wonder a world where we spend as much time covering and protecting people as we do our plants.

As I am typing this, I am sipping my hot coffee, in my warm jammies, with my heater running in the backgrouond. I am warm. But I am acutely aware that there are those outside my door, outside my comfortable life who are not.

All that to say, "Give me your eyes Lord."

Day 46: But the Thief . . .

I am learning. I'm learning to always be aware of this enemy of mine. Aware that he walks alongside me each day, waiting for the exact right moment to destroy me.

Enemies are like that. Sometimes they just stand right out in the open, daring you to engage. But most of the time, they lie in wait, choosing the perfect moment to inflict the greatest amount of damage.

This enemy of mine practices both strategies. He makes no secret of the fact that he exists. He makes no secret of the fact that he is waiting to wound me, distract me, destroy me.

I find it odd that although I know he exists, and although I can identify him, I go through life unprepared for his onslaughts.

All that to say, I must constantly remind myself that I have an enemy, and he does not have flesh and blood.