Day 62: I Choose You

Today, while lying on a table in the dark, with a heavy gel mask drying so firmly on my face that I could not even open my eyes, I had a "God" moment. It could have been a very heavy moment, but it wasn't. And as you read this blog, it might feel heavy, but it isn't. It's freeing. And the "aha" part of it shouldn't have been an "aha" to me at all, but it was.

I was telling God that I often find myself feeling hurt because I don't engender loyalty from the people in my life that love me. I listed all the examples I could think of. I told Him of the assistant who chose to go to work for another boss within our company. Although she was given the choice to choose him or me, she chose him. And although I felt like her reasons were valid, it still made me think, why not me? I told Him of a very close friend who knew of a very difficult situation in my life, and given the opportunity to stand on my side of the line, or the other side, she chose the other side. And again I asked God, "What is it about me that makes people not choose me?

As I prayed, I began to remember things from my childhood, and I started to realize that this hurt I feel, this need for people to "choose" me, was very, very deep and went all the way back to my parent's divorce. I wanted my Mom to choose me and my brothers over going out, or over her new boyfriend. I wanted my Dad to choose me and my brothers over his new wives or his new step kids.

The coming of this realization didn't come in a painful way. It was actually a freeing revelation; freeing because I just asked God to take away the hurt. And He said this, "Carol, I choose you. I chose you. In every way that it will ever matter in your life, I choose you. And that's all you need."

All that to say, I'm so grateful that God speaks to me like a little girl, that He speaks to the little child inside of me that still has hurts and still has scars. And it comforts me, heals me, and sets me free. I am Chosen.