Day 145: Doubtless

I find that in the last 48 hours my heart and mind are filled with doubt about our girls. This resurgence of doubt happens about once every other week, and it frustrates me.

Do I not trust God enough? Did a too busy schedule that wreaked havoc in my life cause this doubt? What is my problem?

I looked at pictures on a friend's blog today and saw photos of her little boy running down a pier and I thought,"Why haven't I taken the girls to a park? Why haven't I taken them to a lake? Why haven't I taken them to feed ducks?" And my answer to those questions came to "because she is 29 and has an endless, boundless supply of energy and I am 49 and do not." (And, said 29 year old also has a thriving photography business! Talk about energy!)

Of course, that isn't the real reason. It's the one I allow to get planted into my thoughts on a regular basis though. It goes a little something like this, "Carol, you're too old for this. You don't have what it takes any more to raise two more children. They deserve more than you. They deserve a stay-at-home mom who can pour into them everything they need on an hourly basis. Their little lives have been in such turmoil for so long, they deserve to wake up at a leisurely pace and enjoy the morning without being rushed off to day care. You can't give them that. You're too old. Too settle into your career." (insert other excuses here)

And I am oh so sick of these doubts. We love these babies. We have a tremendous support network of friends. We were called to this, and we know that if God called us then He will equip us.

Lord help me in my unbelief this day.

All that to say, I don't really know what to say.


  1. Carol,
    You are experiencing some of the same thoughts that all working mothers have. Don't permit yourself to focus on what you lack, focus on what you have. Is your energy different at 49 than 29? Of course. But I'm certain that you bring other strengths to the parenting table now then what you did at 29. So consider what it is your girls really desrve: parents that adore them,a family that loves them and a safe & healthy haven to call home. You have given them all that. They are forever changed because of you.

  2. Carol, you are amazing and i agree with everything Ann said. Instead of looking at the fact that you don;t have as much energy as a 29 year old mom, look at what you do have...years of experience, wisdom, and love on how to handle situations. You and MIke have been given a gift of two beautiful little girls who love you and you love. Have fun and enjoy!!


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