Day 98: I Wonder

My thoughts are consumed with them. I wonder what they are doing. I wonder if they ate a good breakfast. I wonder if they slept well. I wonder if they wake up confused about where they are sleeping. I wonder if they miss us. I wonder, I wonder, I wonder . . . it makes me want to cuss.

Part of that is my OCD. Things like this kick it into overdrive.

I'm sick in my mind and my heart and my stomach. I cry at the drop of a hat.

And then the next ten minutes I am totally fine. I feel crazy. Like I literally MIGHT lose my mind.

I drove home yesterday fully expecting them to be staring out the window when I arrived. But they weren't. The blinds were down. The sounds of children did not exist. The signs of children did not exist. Except for the half-eaten book that still sits on my mantel.

I saw them today. (Long story) They looked beautiful. Their parents didn't look frazzled, didn't seem too stressed (other than a brief skirmish about the placement of poopy diapers - a "discussion" that Mike and I had MANY TIMES!) Baby "N" seemed excited to see me. Hugged me hard. Clung to me for just a second. Even fussed a little when I left. Baby "S" didn't seem overly enthralled with my presence. She was happy and playing with a toy. Exactly as I would want her to be.

I wonder still. How long will this weight in my chest be there, threatening to crush the air out of my lungs?

We talked of our next "kids." The next sweet babies in need of rescuing. I wonder who they will be and when they will come.

All that to say. . . I wonder. God heal my heart quickly so I am ready for the next children you send our way.

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