No funny story today, just a question, a heartfelt question. What does desperate look like? I ask this question because I am in a Bible Study called "Discerning the Voice of God," and in it the author asks "Are you desperately seeking God or desperately seeking what God will do for you?"
I've been thinking about this question lately because I don't know that I know how to just be desperate for God. I have thought about it a lot. I have thought about times that I was desperate for God and in all of those instances I have been desperate for answers, or desperate for the healing hand of God, or desperate for a change of circumstances. Even people I know who have been desperate for God lately, I would say, from my vantage point, were desperate for God's "action" (though maybe they have something different to say, and I would welcome their input).
So, I have tried to take this to a human level, because, well . . . I'm human. I thought of people in my life for whom I am desperate. I know that I am desperate for my husband. Not for what he can do for me, just for him. My heart desperately loves him. I go through my day without him, and I function quite well alone, but I don't like it and I don't want to continue it any longer. I am desperate for my children. I cannot picture my life without them. I would be heartbroken if something happened in our life that would cause us not to seek one another.
So, now that I can say I understand a "desperate" relationship, I'm trying to make that connection with God. I think I have been trained (not blaming anyone here, just saying) by the church to communicate with God in an answer-to-my-prayer-seeking relationship. I'm almost embarrassed to say at this point in my faith that I don't know that I know how to have a different kind of relationship with Him. I'm not even afraid that He's going to strike me with some terrible affliction or allow some disaster to befall me so that I will learn my desperate lesson, because I think I would then just be desperate for answers or intervention again.
I've had plenty of moments in my relationship with God where I just sat in His presence and enjoyed the moment. Maybe more of "those" moments would teach me something about being desperate. I don't know. Maybe I'm just confused about the difference. I can't picture my life without God. I don't want to displease Him, or dishonor Him, or disobey Him.
All that to say, I'm sincerely just asking, "What Does Desperate Look Like?"
I have been in the kind of car accident that allowed me to be tangled up in casts for months, have surgeries for years and scars for life. I needed God, but I still was not desperate for Him. However, after I had Zealy (almost 5 years ago) I felt like I "delivered" my longing and desire for Christ. It has slipped further and further away since that day. I finally came to a point this year where I was so tired of missing Him in my life-so tired of longing for something remembered, that I finnally felt "desperate" enough to say "Fine...enough with you! If I can't find you, then I must not really need you!" It was in that final toss up of my desperate attempts to "find my God" that He said...."Here I am...Here I have always been. I just wanted you to want me...desperately." (this only happened last week...so it is fresh and raw)
ReplyDeleteI am not saying that God was playing a form of hide and go seek with me, by any means. Only that I had filled my life with so many distractions, that indeed I was not desperate for anything God-like.
All that to say :)...I think desperate looks different for everyone at any given time. Desperate for me happened over the course of five years and also all in one moment.
I hope to hold onto my desperation with all my might. I prefer it to my selfish independence.
Whew...sorry for the book!