Spray On Tans

Well, as I am sure you guessed by the title, I got a spray tan. I want to begin by saying, it is true, fat does look WAY better tanned. I mean, SERIOUSLY better. So maybe those of you reading this who know sweet cheeks can console yourselves and say "maybe she just had a really great tan." Anywho0 (that was for you Tracey) back to my story. I got a spray tan and I have learned a few things.

One, when they tell you to rub the lotion on your hands really good. Do it. You do not want to end up with funky colored palms and knuckles.
Two, be prepared that they prefer you not to wear a top. In fact, interesting statistic I learned is that 99.999 percent of most people wear underwear on the bottom and nuttin' on the top. For those of you on whom gravity has taken it's toll, don't worry, they have "tricks" for hitting all the areas.
Three, wear DARK and incredibly loose clothes. Anyplace your clothes really touch you, oh say, like a shelf bra in a cami, will wipe that stuff right off.
Four, anyplace you perspire causes the "tan" to disappear. Think about where most women sweat (where they spray on the stuff) and you will get the picture.
Five, when they tell you to shower before hand and to be sure you don't have any lotion on anywhere, DO IT! I missed a spot right at my neckline, and a couple of places on my bobbly bits, so I have funny little tan lines, but at least no one will see those.
Six, if you are WHITE, don't tell them you want medium coverage because you will come out looking like you spent 6 months at sea in Cancun, with no sunblock.
Seven, they tell you to sleep in long pants and a long sleeve shirt. It's for a reason. That stuff comes off all over your sheets! But, it launders right out.

Now here comes the scary part. You cannot shower for a minimum of 6 hours afterward. You can't sweat, touch water, not anything that would cause you to get wet. It takes that long for the dye (that's what it is) to really process (which is their lingo for "soak into your pores.") So, the six hours passed . . . really 12 because I did it at 8 p.m. and showered at 8 a.m. When you shower, it scares the poop out of you because you suddenly see brown rivers of "tan" washing down the drain and you think two things . . . "is this gonna stain my shower" and "what am I going to look like when I get out!?" I look okay, don't panic. But when you get out, you cannot AIR DRY. You have to pat yourself dry all over and then immediately apply lotion to your body.

All that to say, I should have been content to be white. Oh, PS, I am not actually white, I am pink. I know this now because when I am tanned (which I have never been THIS tan in my life) it makes my "white skin" all pink. Weird huh, or TMI?