On a scale from 1 to 10, I would say I have a pretty strong faith, like maybe a 9. I'd say a 10, but that would sound like I have it all together spiritually, which I don't. Heck, I'm actually gonna say it's a 10 because I don't think "faith" is measured by a checklist, or a spiritual accounting system. I think it's your measure of trust in whatever or whomever it is that you believe in (which in my case is God, Jehovah, the great I Am.) I KNOW that I can trust in God.
Here is my dilemma though. I'm not sure about prayer. I pray. I pray all the time. But I find myself lately hyperanalyzing my prayer life. I have prayed super hard for a long time for certain things, none of which have come to pass. And as far as I can see (which I GET is limited in the space time continuum) those things would be good for me, so I just don't understand why they haven't happened.
So, I stopped praying for them, and have just taken the "it'll happen when the Lord is ready" mindset. Which I think for a while I believed, and now I'm just mad and want God to give me some reasons. I trust Him. I trust His reasons. I trust His timing. At least my heart says I do. But seriously, I'm just getting frustrated now.
A lot has happened in a year. A lot. And for the most part, our life is the better for it. But some super hard things have happened as well, and they just continue. So I think now, "Well, I guess my prayers either don't matter, aren't heard, or don't change God's mind." I know I have some friends out there who will tell me that God's mind doesn't change and that isn't the purpose of prayer, but in the Bible it clearly states "but the Lord changed his mind about the harm he would do to his people." Exodus 32:14. He changed his mind because of a conversation he had with Moses. So doesn't that indicate that our prayer, our conversation, might change his mind?
I don't know. I don't know how to pray. I don't know what to ask for. If I ask for a bread will God give me a stone? No. But for this moment, I am looking at the table, and I see a lot of stale bread.
All that to say, Lord help in my unbelief. I guess I'm not a 10 afterall.
Carol,
ReplyDeleteI've just caught up with a few more of your blogs. I'm sorry that you are facing hardship on so many fronts.
Have you ever read "The Screwtape Letters" by C.S. Lewis? A senior demon writes letters to a demon in training about the best way to attack Christians... I've always loved this quote:
"Our cause is never in more danger than when a human, no longer desiring, but still intending, to do our Enemy's will, looks round upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys"
Hang in there, Carol.
B