Not Okay With Not Knowing

Jacob was an easy baby. Well, actually he was a super hard baby because he had colic for FIVE MONTHS, but once he got passed that, he was an easy baby. He slept all night at an early age, potty-trained easily, was extremely compliant and obedient and had the most joyful laugh. I actually have a tape recording of that laugh (yes I said tape recording) that I play from time to time. It still makes me laugh. He still makes me laugh . . . in real time . . . not just on the tape.

He was an easy teenager too. At least with me he was. Don't know that Mike would say the same thing, but I think that's the way it is with dads and sons. He wasn't perfect (Jacob, that is) Outside the stuff I know about, I'm sure there is probably stuff I don't know about that he did. I'm okay with the not knowing. At least about those years.

What I'm not okay with about "not knowing" is the present day and the future. Today is the "big day." We meet with the new doctor to try to find out what exactly is going on with Jacob's body. I haven't put a lot of details out there in e-land . . . not going to today . . . but if you follow this blog at all, you know he's sick and we don't know what's wrong. So today we are meeting with a big named specialist in the field of neuromuscular disorders.

It makes my heart beat hard. It makes my breathing shallow. It keeps me from sleeping at night. All of that sounds like worry. And I'm not supposed to worry. Because if I worry I'm not trusting God. And if I'm not trusting God, then who else can I trust? "Be anxious for nothing" the Bible says. Well, I'M ANXIOUS. Maybe more today than I have been. Not because I think this new doctor is going to tell us something terrible. It's just that I DON'T KNOW what he's going to tell us.

Welcome to my brain. I wake up and I am great and God is great and I'm not anxious or worried or troubled or any other words that are synonyms of those words. And then some days I wake up and my mouth is dry and my soul feels heavy and I can't take a deep breath and I am searching for God and saying, "GOD ARE YOU LISTENING?"

All that to say, if you are the praying type, would you pray today for Jacob, and his doctor, and us? And would you ask for complete and total healing of Jacob's body? I figure, if God can move a mountain, a few muscle twitches and cramps oughta me no big deal.