Some months ago I heard a message about predestination (I'm a Christ Follower and I've provided a link if this is a new term for you), and I have to say that for the very first time it struck me in a profound way, a way that totally jacked up my prayer life.
I asked a lot of questions of my Pastor following that message; questions like, "So basically, God already knows every person who will either accept or reject His Son, Jesus. Correct?" His answer: Yes. "God not only knows, but He has ORDAINED who will accept or reject His Son, Jesus. Correct?" His answer: Yes. "There's nothing I can say or do, or another person can say or do, that will cause someone to accept or reject Jesus, correct?" Answer: Yes.
"Then why does it matter if I tell someone about Jesus or not?" Answer: "Because God tells us to."
So the part that jacked up my prayer life was, "why should I pray if it is already figured out?!"
Prior to this message, I had a very rich prayer life, filled with lots of dialogue about pretty much everything. And it went from that to nothing. Because I suddenly felt like I didn't know how to pray, or worse yet that my prayers didn't matter. And I have to confess to you that I didn't pray at all, for months. . . And then I lost my job. Talk about a dialogue opener.
Over the course of the last few weeks since I left, I have noticed something about my prayers. Most of my prayers were me trying to tell God how to be God. I was constantly telling Him how I thought things should happen, how I thought they should have gone down, how I wanted things to change, what I needed, what He should do . . . in short, I wanted to be in control.
And then I was struck with this thought; what if I just released my need to control and instead just focused on the majesty, the authority, the awesomeness of God? What if I just surrendered to the idea that His plan was good and for my good, and quit trying to give Him a better plan? What if I just worshiped Him, rejoicing each day in what He was doing in my life, what He was giving and what He was taking away?"
That's not to say that I don't still share my struggles, my hurts, my hopes and my fears with Him. It's just that I'm not telling God what I think He should do. I do still wake up most mornings asking, "Why?" But the answer has quickly become, "Because this is what God has for my life. This was His plan, and that's the only answer to "why?" that I need to remember."
All that to say, I'm sure that this will be a work in progress. I'm a control freak. But I have a strange peace in this place of surrender. There's a lot of freedom in giving up control, which sounds like an oxymoron, but it's deep truth.
Showing posts with label prayer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label prayer. Show all posts
Day 51: Confusing Myself
From time to time, I struggle with my prayer life. I don't mean that I struggle in having one. I'm pretty consistent about that. I often find that at random times I have zoned out of my conscious mind and find that I am deep in conversation with God.
What I mean is that sometimes I struggle in knowing what exactly to say to God.
In my logical mind, I know that prayer changes things. I know there is scripture to support that Moses convinced God to spare His people whom He was planning to wipe out. So, if God was "intent" on wiping out His people and Moses convinced Him to do otherwise, then that does indeed mean that God changed His mind, right?
It's just that sometimes when I pray, I feel like I am telling God what to do, and that feels wrong.
Examples? "Lord, take every cell, every tissue, every ligament and every tendon, and heal them for your glory." Feels a lot like I'm bossing Him around. (I actually prayed that exact prayer yesterday.)
As I was walking up to my building yesterday, I realized I was praying and I heard myself say, "Lord, you need to just . . ." (I'll spare you the details of that prayer, but suffice it to say, starting a sentence with "you need to just . . ." is going to be bossing someone around, and in this case it was God."
Of course I have not reduced my prayer life to a list of things to ask God for. It's just aht when I do want to ask Him for something,I don't actually think I know HOW to ask Him. And that thought cripples my ability to pray. And once that happens, I begin to create a formula for my prayers. You know, just to be sure I'm "doing it right."
Is this just me? Am I the only one who struggles in this?
I often say that I trust God's plan for my life. And if that is true, then why do I need to ask Him for anything at all? He already HAS a plan. So then should my prayers JUST be adoration, confession, thanksgiving? I don't think so because Jesus said in the book of John, "If you remain in me and my word remains in you, ask whatever you wish and it will be done for you." So clearly, there is nothing wrong in the asking.
All that to say, I confuse myself sometimes. Lord, teach me to pray.
What I mean is that sometimes I struggle in knowing what exactly to say to God.
In my logical mind, I know that prayer changes things. I know there is scripture to support that Moses convinced God to spare His people whom He was planning to wipe out. So, if God was "intent" on wiping out His people and Moses convinced Him to do otherwise, then that does indeed mean that God changed His mind, right?
It's just that sometimes when I pray, I feel like I am telling God what to do, and that feels wrong.
Examples? "Lord, take every cell, every tissue, every ligament and every tendon, and heal them for your glory." Feels a lot like I'm bossing Him around. (I actually prayed that exact prayer yesterday.)
As I was walking up to my building yesterday, I realized I was praying and I heard myself say, "Lord, you need to just . . ." (I'll spare you the details of that prayer, but suffice it to say, starting a sentence with "you need to just . . ." is going to be bossing someone around, and in this case it was God."
Of course I have not reduced my prayer life to a list of things to ask God for. It's just aht when I do want to ask Him for something,I don't actually think I know HOW to ask Him. And that thought cripples my ability to pray. And once that happens, I begin to create a formula for my prayers. You know, just to be sure I'm "doing it right."
Is this just me? Am I the only one who struggles in this?
I often say that I trust God's plan for my life. And if that is true, then why do I need to ask Him for anything at all? He already HAS a plan. So then should my prayers JUST be adoration, confession, thanksgiving? I don't think so because Jesus said in the book of John, "If you remain in me and my word remains in you, ask whatever you wish and it will be done for you." So clearly, there is nothing wrong in the asking.
All that to say, I confuse myself sometimes. Lord, teach me to pray.
Don't Worry I Still Love Jesus
You never know what a "gut level" honest post will do to people's minds. Yesterday, I just threw out there that I am struggling, REALLY STRUGGLING with my prayer life. I got some emails from people that were very meaningful responses to my post. Rich salve I believe I said to one of them. I got some that were sweet, but not particularly helpful. And I got some from people I freaked out who wanted to know if I still believed in God. LOL! (It really did make me laugh out loud.)
I'd like to start with a "for the record" statement. Don't worry, I still love Jesus and I still believe in God. I told the girls at my girl's group the other night that when I have grieved all I know to grieve and mourned all I know to mourn; when I find myself at the very bottom of all I can handle, the one thing I can count on is finding my faith intact. The one thing I can count on is that God isn't going to have changed at all. My perspective of God might have changed. My understanding of who God is might have changed. But PRAISE GOD, HE hasn't changed at all.
I think I am better for the struggling, if that makes sense.
I'm going to work on not offending anyone here in the next few sentences . . .
I have a picture in my mind of this woman who gets up early every day, reads her Bible, maybe writes in a journal, smiles and neatly tucks the Bible and journal into their place in her nightstand and starts her day. She leads her life spoonfeeding Jesus platitudes to the masses, and remembers to take a healthy dose each day for herself. On the weekends, she puts on her best Sunday-go-to-meeting outfit, spit polishes her son's wayward hair, irons the wrinkles out of her daughter's dress, dutifully plants a kiss on her husband's cheek and then they all walk into church together, one big happy family. Life there in the Jesus Bubble is good and safe and perfect.
But I don't want to live in the Bubble. I lived in the Bubble. It's not real. Jesus did not have a safe and easy life. And He clearly told us our life wasn't going to be safe and easy either. But whenever I find myself in the "this freaking life is not easy" place, I wrestle with God. And I know that even though I am limping, I will get up and walk. And the place where I struggled, I will remember. Not because I left an altar of rocks there (it's in the Bible), but because that hard place where I struggled will be a memory that showed me something else about God that I didn't understand when I was in the bubble.
All that to say, the struggle is hard, but I choose the struggle over the bubble. At least for right now. Who knows? I might go screaming back to the bubble, demanding to be let back in to bubbleville. Oh, and don't worry, I still love Jesus.
I'd like to start with a "for the record" statement. Don't worry, I still love Jesus and I still believe in God. I told the girls at my girl's group the other night that when I have grieved all I know to grieve and mourned all I know to mourn; when I find myself at the very bottom of all I can handle, the one thing I can count on is finding my faith intact. The one thing I can count on is that God isn't going to have changed at all. My perspective of God might have changed. My understanding of who God is might have changed. But PRAISE GOD, HE hasn't changed at all.
I think I am better for the struggling, if that makes sense.
I'm going to work on not offending anyone here in the next few sentences . . .
I have a picture in my mind of this woman who gets up early every day, reads her Bible, maybe writes in a journal, smiles and neatly tucks the Bible and journal into their place in her nightstand and starts her day. She leads her life spoonfeeding Jesus platitudes to the masses, and remembers to take a healthy dose each day for herself. On the weekends, she puts on her best Sunday-go-to-meeting outfit, spit polishes her son's wayward hair, irons the wrinkles out of her daughter's dress, dutifully plants a kiss on her husband's cheek and then they all walk into church together, one big happy family. Life there in the Jesus Bubble is good and safe and perfect.
But I don't want to live in the Bubble. I lived in the Bubble. It's not real. Jesus did not have a safe and easy life. And He clearly told us our life wasn't going to be safe and easy either. But whenever I find myself in the "this freaking life is not easy" place, I wrestle with God. And I know that even though I am limping, I will get up and walk. And the place where I struggled, I will remember. Not because I left an altar of rocks there (it's in the Bible), but because that hard place where I struggled will be a memory that showed me something else about God that I didn't understand when I was in the bubble.
All that to say, the struggle is hard, but I choose the struggle over the bubble. At least for right now. Who knows? I might go screaming back to the bubble, demanding to be let back in to bubbleville. Oh, and don't worry, I still love Jesus.
Wrestling and Limping
I'm struggling with my prayer life. (How's that for a nice smooth entrance into a blog post?) I'm struggling with my prayer life. I'm not struggling to pray. If anything, I am praying more. I'm not even really sure how to put into words what my struggle is.
Perhaps my struggle is that I don't think God hears my prayers. Because He sure isn't answering them. Is He? I have prayed for over a year for my house to sell. About 6 months ago, I just said, "Okay Lord, you have a reason for all of this, so I am just going to quit pestering you about it." And my house is still for sale. And then about 6 weeks ago, I started talking with God about this. About how we can't move forward with our lives. About how a good portion of our savings is wrapped up in this house. About how real estate was supposed to be the "perfect investment" and now it looks like we could lose thousands and thousands of dollars. About how we take money out of savings each month now because we have two mortgages. Maybe I was thinking if I re-presented my argument to God, He would go, "Oh, Carol, I see what you're saying now. You really DO need your house to sell . . . request granted." But you know what, in the last 6 weeks of this praying, my house stopped SHOWING. So I stopped praying. At least about that.
The last year has been a year of trial for sure. Broken bones. Broken bones for which I prayed for MONTHS to heal. Sick family members. Seems the more I pray, the worse things get. The more time I spend with God, the worse my life seems to get. Which makes me a little leary about spending more time with God. Of course I recognize this is flawed thinking. Which is why I have asked God to be the Shepherd of my thoughts. Because even my thoughts are wrestling with my thoughts.
And in the midst of my prayer struggling, I hear a man tell me that perhaps my praying style is flawed. Now I have this formula I need to use to pray. After all, Jesus modeled it, right? But then I see plenty of places in the Bible where Jesus didn't use the formula, so then I don't know which is right. Do I have to pray the formula, or is it cool if I just wrestle with stuff and sweat blood over it?
Then that makes me think of Jacob. Not Jones, Jacob of the Bible. And I see this story. A story of him wrestling with God. Of course he doesn't know it at the time because he's dreaming. But he's wrestling with the Almighty. He's not wrestling with the world. He's not wrestling with his job. He's not wrestling with his coworkers. He's not wrestling with his family or his wife or his children. He's not wrestling with the noisy neighbors above him. He's not wrestling with any of that. He's wrestling with GOD, and it isn't until he wakes up that he realizes it. And when he realizes it, does he wake up, smile, brush himself off and go about his merry way. NO!!!!! He gets up and walks away limping. And he was never the same again. In a good way. God would I love to be at that place . . . the never-the-same-again-in-a-good-way place.
This has turned into an epic post. But I think when you struggle, you have to process the struggle. And the more you ask questions, the more questions you have to ask about the questions you're asking. I don't know if I can pray a formula. But Jesus did. So I should. Right? So why do I resist it so? Is it because I think it controls me? And if that is my question, then why don't I want to be controlled? Which raises other questions about who I am, who I think I am, who hurt me enough to make me think I didn't need anyone telling me what to do, and so the questions continue.
All that to say, I am wrestling. And I am limping. And I know that I will get to the place where all of this makes sense. I think I know that . . . I think I do. But now that I am limping, it might take me a little longer to get there.
Perhaps my struggle is that I don't think God hears my prayers. Because He sure isn't answering them. Is He? I have prayed for over a year for my house to sell. About 6 months ago, I just said, "Okay Lord, you have a reason for all of this, so I am just going to quit pestering you about it." And my house is still for sale. And then about 6 weeks ago, I started talking with God about this. About how we can't move forward with our lives. About how a good portion of our savings is wrapped up in this house. About how real estate was supposed to be the "perfect investment" and now it looks like we could lose thousands and thousands of dollars. About how we take money out of savings each month now because we have two mortgages. Maybe I was thinking if I re-presented my argument to God, He would go, "Oh, Carol, I see what you're saying now. You really DO need your house to sell . . . request granted." But you know what, in the last 6 weeks of this praying, my house stopped SHOWING. So I stopped praying. At least about that.
The last year has been a year of trial for sure. Broken bones. Broken bones for which I prayed for MONTHS to heal. Sick family members. Seems the more I pray, the worse things get. The more time I spend with God, the worse my life seems to get. Which makes me a little leary about spending more time with God. Of course I recognize this is flawed thinking. Which is why I have asked God to be the Shepherd of my thoughts. Because even my thoughts are wrestling with my thoughts.
And in the midst of my prayer struggling, I hear a man tell me that perhaps my praying style is flawed. Now I have this formula I need to use to pray. After all, Jesus modeled it, right? But then I see plenty of places in the Bible where Jesus didn't use the formula, so then I don't know which is right. Do I have to pray the formula, or is it cool if I just wrestle with stuff and sweat blood over it?
Then that makes me think of Jacob. Not Jones, Jacob of the Bible. And I see this story. A story of him wrestling with God. Of course he doesn't know it at the time because he's dreaming. But he's wrestling with the Almighty. He's not wrestling with the world. He's not wrestling with his job. He's not wrestling with his coworkers. He's not wrestling with his family or his wife or his children. He's not wrestling with the noisy neighbors above him. He's not wrestling with any of that. He's wrestling with GOD, and it isn't until he wakes up that he realizes it. And when he realizes it, does he wake up, smile, brush himself off and go about his merry way. NO!!!!! He gets up and walks away limping. And he was never the same again. In a good way. God would I love to be at that place . . . the never-the-same-again-in-a-good-way place.
This has turned into an epic post. But I think when you struggle, you have to process the struggle. And the more you ask questions, the more questions you have to ask about the questions you're asking. I don't know if I can pray a formula. But Jesus did. So I should. Right? So why do I resist it so? Is it because I think it controls me? And if that is my question, then why don't I want to be controlled? Which raises other questions about who I am, who I think I am, who hurt me enough to make me think I didn't need anyone telling me what to do, and so the questions continue.
All that to say, I am wrestling. And I am limping. And I know that I will get to the place where all of this makes sense. I think I know that . . . I think I do. But now that I am limping, it might take me a little longer to get there.
Not So Sure
On a scale from 1 to 10, I would say I have a pretty strong faith, like maybe a 9. I'd say a 10, but that would sound like I have it all together spiritually, which I don't. Heck, I'm actually gonna say it's a 10 because I don't think "faith" is measured by a checklist, or a spiritual accounting system. I think it's your measure of trust in whatever or whomever it is that you believe in (which in my case is God, Jehovah, the great I Am.) I KNOW that I can trust in God.
Here is my dilemma though. I'm not sure about prayer. I pray. I pray all the time. But I find myself lately hyperanalyzing my prayer life. I have prayed super hard for a long time for certain things, none of which have come to pass. And as far as I can see (which I GET is limited in the space time continuum) those things would be good for me, so I just don't understand why they haven't happened.
So, I stopped praying for them, and have just taken the "it'll happen when the Lord is ready" mindset. Which I think for a while I believed, and now I'm just mad and want God to give me some reasons. I trust Him. I trust His reasons. I trust His timing. At least my heart says I do. But seriously, I'm just getting frustrated now.
A lot has happened in a year. A lot. And for the most part, our life is the better for it. But some super hard things have happened as well, and they just continue. So I think now, "Well, I guess my prayers either don't matter, aren't heard, or don't change God's mind." I know I have some friends out there who will tell me that God's mind doesn't change and that isn't the purpose of prayer, but in the Bible it clearly states "but the Lord changed his mind about the harm he would do to his people." Exodus 32:14. He changed his mind because of a conversation he had with Moses. So doesn't that indicate that our prayer, our conversation, might change his mind?
I don't know. I don't know how to pray. I don't know what to ask for. If I ask for a bread will God give me a stone? No. But for this moment, I am looking at the table, and I see a lot of stale bread.
All that to say, Lord help in my unbelief. I guess I'm not a 10 afterall.
Here is my dilemma though. I'm not sure about prayer. I pray. I pray all the time. But I find myself lately hyperanalyzing my prayer life. I have prayed super hard for a long time for certain things, none of which have come to pass. And as far as I can see (which I GET is limited in the space time continuum) those things would be good for me, so I just don't understand why they haven't happened.
So, I stopped praying for them, and have just taken the "it'll happen when the Lord is ready" mindset. Which I think for a while I believed, and now I'm just mad and want God to give me some reasons. I trust Him. I trust His reasons. I trust His timing. At least my heart says I do. But seriously, I'm just getting frustrated now.
A lot has happened in a year. A lot. And for the most part, our life is the better for it. But some super hard things have happened as well, and they just continue. So I think now, "Well, I guess my prayers either don't matter, aren't heard, or don't change God's mind." I know I have some friends out there who will tell me that God's mind doesn't change and that isn't the purpose of prayer, but in the Bible it clearly states "but the Lord changed his mind about the harm he would do to his people." Exodus 32:14. He changed his mind because of a conversation he had with Moses. So doesn't that indicate that our prayer, our conversation, might change his mind?
I don't know. I don't know how to pray. I don't know what to ask for. If I ask for a bread will God give me a stone? No. But for this moment, I am looking at the table, and I see a lot of stale bread.
All that to say, Lord help in my unbelief. I guess I'm not a 10 afterall.
A Tidy Business Relationship
I'm home this week. A self-imposed vacation so that I don't burn out. I've learned the hard way that one must rest. That's why it's one of the big ten (Remember the Sabbath to keep it Holy). It means rest one day or you won't be holy. :) That's a loose translation.
Anyway (someone told me I say that too much when I write). Anyway. As part of my week, I have determined that I am going to try to get this prayer thing in my life straightened out. It occurred to me the other day, that even though I know that I love God and He loves me, my prayer life has become less of a meaningful time with God and more of a good daily business meeting. It usually starts off with me doing the "pleasantries" . . . "Good Morning God. You are so awesome. I worship only you because you are Lord. You made the heavens and the earth. You are in total control. I love you Lord."
If I were in a meeting with someone else this is what the equivalent would be, "Good Morning. You are really looking great today. I wish I could look that good. You are just excellent at your job. You've got it all under control. Way to Go! I love that about you."
But the problem is, I'm not IN a freakin' business meeting. So why oh why I have a reduced my relationship with God to that? I sit down with Him, do the pleasantries, then give Him the list of things I want Him to accomplish for me during the day.
So I started my week really wanting to have a different, more personal relationship with God. I wrote in my journal, "God, I have walked in fellowship with you for a long time, enjoying your presence when it suited me to do so. Oh but God, how much more have you desired from me? How you have longed for my company, but I have doled it out to you in small portions. I do love you, and my heart's desire is to please you. I think the best way for me to do that is just to truly love you, and then from that love, to love others. But maybe I don't know how to love. What if that is true? What is true God?"
I think I am just terribly distracted by the enemy. I believe that I have allowed him to shape the way I interact with God. He (the devil) knows I'm going to meet with God each morning, so over time, he has cleverly convinced me to have a "meeting" instead of a meaningful relationship-building time together. So, I asked God to show me how to fight off the enemy and his cleverness. Then I opened my Bible to Ephesians Chapter 6. No lie. Half of the chapter is about fighting the devil. So, I am reading it, and studying it.
Over the next few days, I'll share with you what I learn.
All that to say, I have thrown out the day timer that once was my prayer life. I almost feel like I'm going on a blind date.
Anyway (someone told me I say that too much when I write). Anyway. As part of my week, I have determined that I am going to try to get this prayer thing in my life straightened out. It occurred to me the other day, that even though I know that I love God and He loves me, my prayer life has become less of a meaningful time with God and more of a good daily business meeting. It usually starts off with me doing the "pleasantries" . . . "Good Morning God. You are so awesome. I worship only you because you are Lord. You made the heavens and the earth. You are in total control. I love you Lord."
If I were in a meeting with someone else this is what the equivalent would be, "Good Morning. You are really looking great today. I wish I could look that good. You are just excellent at your job. You've got it all under control. Way to Go! I love that about you."
But the problem is, I'm not IN a freakin' business meeting. So why oh why I have a reduced my relationship with God to that? I sit down with Him, do the pleasantries, then give Him the list of things I want Him to accomplish for me during the day.
So I started my week really wanting to have a different, more personal relationship with God. I wrote in my journal, "God, I have walked in fellowship with you for a long time, enjoying your presence when it suited me to do so. Oh but God, how much more have you desired from me? How you have longed for my company, but I have doled it out to you in small portions. I do love you, and my heart's desire is to please you. I think the best way for me to do that is just to truly love you, and then from that love, to love others. But maybe I don't know how to love. What if that is true? What is true God?"
I think I am just terribly distracted by the enemy. I believe that I have allowed him to shape the way I interact with God. He (the devil) knows I'm going to meet with God each morning, so over time, he has cleverly convinced me to have a "meeting" instead of a meaningful relationship-building time together. So, I asked God to show me how to fight off the enemy and his cleverness. Then I opened my Bible to Ephesians Chapter 6. No lie. Half of the chapter is about fighting the devil. So, I am reading it, and studying it.
Over the next few days, I'll share with you what I learn.
All that to say, I have thrown out the day timer that once was my prayer life. I almost feel like I'm going on a blind date.
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