I Know Your Secret

One day a few years ago, I was driving down the road with my friend Vicky, when she said to me, "I know your secret." We had been having a conversation about how much she admired my confidence and my strength (I always love conversations like that!) when she busted out the "I know your secret" statement. I assumed that she meant the secret regarding strength and confidence, so I said, "Oh yeah, what's my secret?" She said, "There is a broken and hurting place very deep inside you. It's where you are most vulnerable. And you do a pretty good job keeping it hidden, but I can see it sometimes."

I wrote that down in my journal, and there are many times when I feel like I am supposed to pray over that statement. Nothing ever comes to me when I do. But I do it nonetheless, because I feel compelled. Like if I linger over the statement, the Lord will impart some incredible, supernatural wisdom. But He never does.

I have been thinking a lot about that statement the last few days. I have a broken and hurting place very deep inside me . . . It's where I am most vulnerable . . .

This morning as I prayed over that statement, I realized that Vicky is right. And I have filled that hurting place inside me with anything and everything I could to make me feel valued and worth something. Maybe this is too much information and more than anyone cares to know, but it's my blog, and I promised myself to be as honest and as real and as transparent as I could be if I was going to do this whole blog thing. So, I am processing this revelation (from Vicky and from God) and I don't like it. I feel nauseous and anxious and sick.

I picture this place that Vicky said she sees sometimes in me. And I see it as this open wound. A wound that would threaten to overtake me; so I have filled it with relationships and ministries and projects. But God has been slowly pulling out the packing that I have stuffed down into that wound. He started with my last job.

I used to find my worth in my job. But being excellent at my job had nothing to do with the Lord and everything to do with me. And then I lost my job. My job at which I was a very respected "expert." But the Lord filled in the void that was left there. And it was good for me. But extremely painful. It took me almost two full years to realize that losing my job was probably the best thing that could have ever happened to me. And when God restored me to that work, it was good, and wholesome, and His and for Him.

Today the Lord showed me that I have stuffed some other things into that hurting place. I have stuffed friendships in there that made me feel good about myself. And I have stuffed ministries into that place because my work with them made me feel good about myself. And as long as I could use people and relationships and serving to cover up my hurt, then I would never have to address the hurt.

But God says no to that. He's not content to let me continue to hold onto hurt. And try as I might, I can't hold onto it anymore. I've tried. Trust me, I have tried. Today I realized that this "unraveling" I feel is Him, pulling the packing out of the wound. I thought that people I loved were hurting me. But the reality is that the God that I love is hurting me. And He's doing it for my own good. He is teaching me to rely totally on Him. And He is teaching me to heal, truly heal, from the inside out.

All that to say, for all of you whom I love, and whom I know love me, I have much to be sorry for and much for which to seek forgiveness. I want to grow. I want to be all God wants me to be. And I want to be healed and whole.