Don't Let Anger Steal Another Minute of Your Life

I have written and rewritten this opening paragraph more times than I care to think about. I think my struggle has been to write about anger in a real, personal way that is both transparent and helpful and yet honors the right to privacy of others. Sometimes a fine line to walk, you know? 

In deciding to write a blog series about our human emotions, I knew there would be subjects that would be hard to talk about because they involve some fairly deep-rooted and not altogether pleasant memories for me. And at the end of the day, I don't know that I WANT to write about them, nor do I know if you NEED to read about them. 

So how do I write about anger?  I've written about anger before, many times in fact.  I've written about the physiological effects of anger. I've written about anger in your marriage.  I've even written about losing your temper (which isn't so much anger as it is a lack of self-control).

REAL ANGER

But the anger I am talking about is the kind that is deep-seated, often rooted in unforgiveness of an event or a lifetime of events.  The anger I'm talking about bubbles to the surface in ways that are often shocking to the person who is angry as well as the people caught in the wake of their anger.

It's that anger that is crushing and cruel and has one purpose; to seek retribution for the pain and injustice that caused its birth in the first place.

I've known many angry people in my lifetime.  Many.  Too many for one lifetime, to be sure. But every angry person I have ever known shares one characteristic; they have been hurt, badly and deeply, and they don't have a clue how to free themselves from the bondage of that pain.  So they lash out.  

Some lash out physically, some verbally, often without provocation, always with devastating effects to the people in their lives.

THE SOURCE OF ANGER

I learned from an incredible friend and valued mentor that the source of anger, real anger, is unforgiveness.  Getting to the place where you can identify the core of your own anger is very, very difficult and very, very necessary.

I recently had a long talk with a friend of mine who grew up in a very angry home.  He was beaten, shouted at, ridiculed and betrayed by the very people who should have been his protectors, a fact that birthed in him an anger that eventually consumed him and the people around him.

What I learned about him as we talked was that though he felt he had forgiven his abusers, he could rattle off a list of offenses so quickly and with such deep emotion, that it surprised even him.  

Find the source of the pain, find the source of the anger.

We hold onto anger because it makes us feel powerful and invincible.  It's our way of shouting, "I will never be hurt again." Maybe we don't realize that's what we're shouting, but it is.  

We hold onto anger (or more accurately, unforgiveness) because it lets us feel we hold a debt over those whom have hurt us, a debt from which they will not easily be released.  For in releasing them, we fear we give them power to hurt us all over again.

But anger is a thief.  It is born of unforgiveness and hatred, and it robs us of many things, the greatest of which is freedom.

If you are angry, I have to ask you, do you feel free or do you feel imprisoned?  

WHAT WILL YOU CHOOSE?

Anytime I feel anger over something; deep, real anger, I have to ask myself, what am I so mad about?  Is this thing I am blowing up about the root of my anger, or a symptom of a deeper issue?  And once explored and defined, I ask myself these questions:

• Will I harbor bitterness and unforgiveness, or will I freely forgive others?
• Will I continue to be angry, or will I release myself from the bondage of my anger?

Indeed, will I choose bondage or freedom?  Because ultimately, that's what my choices will lead me to, either bondage or freedom.


But here is our promise:

Galatians 5:1 "But it is for freedom that Christ has set us free . . ."

Christ HAS set us . . . me . . . free.  Not Christ "will" set me free, but he "HAS" set me free. I am already free. Any bondage I choose to live in, is then, of my own choosing.

All that to say, I hope you will choose freedom over anger.  And once chosen, I hope you will walk in that freedom. For it is a choice. 

When Friendship Seems Elusive

I was talking with a friend the other day about close personal relationships, especially close personal friendships.  Her struggle was that no matter how she tried, she just couldn't seem to connect with someone in a way that didn't end up a mess, or complicated, or frustrating on some level.


She said, "It's almost like God doesn't want me to have a close friend."

I swallowed hard at that sentence because I totally understand what she was saying, and yet, at the same time, it seemed counter intuitive to what I know about God.  I mean, He created us for community, right?

Her struggle is not unlike mine and many other women I know.  We are very emotional beings.  We need close friendships.  As Dr. Christina Yang would say on Grey's Anatomy (don't even think about judging me right now) "We all need our person."  We need that someone that we can go to with anything; someone who can look beyond what is seen, into the deepest darkest places, the places where we hide our secrets, our wounds, our desires, our dreams.  Someone that we can trust to see those things and not run away in horror. And even more importantly, someone who won't betray us when we become fully transparent with them.

For me, for her, for many, we find that we so desperately need a human being to share those things with, that we forget God's role in our life.  HE is that person for us.  His Word tells us, I will never leave you nor forsake you.

I have spent a lifetime trying to find a friend, a best friend, my person.  And I have been very blessed to have some incredible friendships in my life.  But here is the funny thing about those friendships.  Every single one of my close friends lives far away from me.  Every. Single. One.  Surely that cannot be a coincidence, right?

Here is what God has taught me about my friendships lately (just being really raw right now):

Lesson one is that I have a husband who would love to be my person, the person I share my hurts and hopes with.  And lesson two is that I have the personality type that would likely abandon having a close personal relationship with God if I had someone on earth to take His place.  That was difficult for me to grasp, but I recognize the truth of it.

My sweet friend and mentor of 15+ years told me once that she had struggled her lifetime to have a close personal friend. She believed God didn't want her to have that person here on earth because it would be a distraction for her.  I remember thinking, "You are the most godly woman I know.  How in the world could ANYTHING be a distraction for you?!"

And I'm not saying that I'm some super godly woman and that's why God doesn't want me to have a close friend. (In case you were about to make that correlation)  I'm saying, it comforts me to think back to that conversation because it tells me that God isn't being some ego maniacal Creator that doesn't want me to have friends.  It's comforting because it tells me He knows me.  He knows what I need, and He knows what would be dangerous for me.

All that to say, I'm kind of all over the place today. But what I'm trying to say, if I'm not saying it well, is this.  God loves you.  He knows you.  He knows what you need, and what you can't handle.  And He loves you enough to show you both.

What is God teaching you about your friendships?

Real Friends Tell the Truth

It is rare in life that people have real friends. A true friend. Someone who loves you totally unconditionally (I think that is bad grammar.) True friends don't care if you are fat or skinny, but they do care if you are healthy. They don't care if you are rich or poor, but they do care if you are greedy or starving. Superficial things don't matter to them at all. They aren't impressed by your vocation, at least not in a way that influences their decision to be your friend or not. True friends stay your friend, even when you move away. Real true friends see past all the masks you wear for the world and they look right into the core of the real you. And real friends tell you the truth.

Friends see you naked and don't go screaming out the front door, or the back door, or out the window, or running down the street in horror.

Friends don't tell your secrets. Friends know your secret hurts that are buried way down deep inside. They know them because they care enough about you to get past the surface.

Friends aren't afraid to disagree with you. Friends challenge you to think beyond yourself, regardless of how dire or hopeless your circumstances seem. Friends don't let you give up, but they do let you know when it is time to quit.

Friends don't get jealous of the good things that happen for you, like new cars or tummy tucks. They celebrate with you, enjoying the good things right alongside you.

Friends don't make excuses for you and say things like, "You're not fat. You just had a baby." :)
No, they say, "Go ahead eat that donut. Your butt can't get much bigger!"

Sometimes it is amazing to me the number of people in my life that I call friend. I don't see them all daily, or weekly, or even monthly. Some of them I haven't seen in years. Some of them I rarely talk to. But there is still that deep, unexplainable connection. My real friends won't be disappointed that I didn't mention them by name, because that is how real friends are.

All that to say, I am pretty thankful for my friends. My real friends.

He's Gone

Mike left today. He was here for 8 whole days. It was a great 8 days. One of my favorite moments was one day when Mike was working on his computer. He was singing along to some random 80's song. Two things you should know about Mike. One, he really loves old Rock. 70's, 80's rock. And two, he cannot carry a tune in a bucket. He has a completely monotone singing voice. And the one tone that he sings in, is never in the key that the song is in. But something about listening to him sing was so sweet that day.

Someone asked me today where we went to eat while he was here. We went no where really. We went to some local restaurants. We didn't go out to a movie because there was nothing we reallyl wanted to see. We didn't do anything that was really "noteworthy."

Except last Wednesday night. We celebrated communion together. That was exceptional. We prayed together. He sang in his offkey voice. He cried when he served me my bread and wine (grape juice). I cried too. It was a great night.

But he's gone. Back to Atlanta. Hopefully our house will sell soon. It's been 6 months now. All that to say, I'm pretty sick of this. I don't want to move back. I still believe this is what God has for us. I'm trusting Him. I'm just ready for it to be over.

I Even Miss Cash Cab

My husband is coming to see me tomorrow. He lives in Georgia and I live in Texas. If this is your first time on this blog, I took a job here in Texas 6 months ago, thinking he was following me in a few weeks or so. But seems God had other plans. Anyway, he's coming here tomorrow and I am so happy.

Today in our staff prayer and worship time at WoodsEdge Community Church, we sang a song by Kari Jobe. The words were"I want to sit at your feet; drink from the cup in your hand; lay back against you and breathe; feel your heart beat; this love is so deep, it's more than I can stand; I melt in your peace, it's overwhelming." Even though I know this song was about God, it really expresses how much I miss my husband. And I guess because God told Mike that he was to me as Christ is to the church, then it's okay for me to think of Mike when I sing this song.

I miss him. I miss the feeling of him in the house. The weight of him in our bed. I miss his voice and the way he calls my name when he's mad at me. I miss sitting next to him and I even miss watching Cash Cab or insane reruns of Law and Order. I want to lay back against him and breathe and feel his heart beat. I love him deeply and cannot fathom my life without him in it. I do melt in his peace, the strength of who he his.

All that to say, I might be out of touch for the next few days. You won't see me online. I have better things to do. :)

The Rhythm of Relationships

This morning, I was walking down the hallway of the hotel where I am staying in South Carolina with my husband. I had just finished my delicious free "hot" breakfast, which consisted of hot coffee and a self-made waffle. I wish I'd had more restraint and went for the oatmeal, but those waffles just looked so good. They weren't, but they looked it.

Anyway, as I was walking back to my room, I was thinking that I couldn't wait to get back to my room and get alone with God. That made me start thinking (following my train of thought is sometimes difficult for even me . . . you know you start thinking about one thing and then wonder how you got from there to how shoelaces were made?) Anyway, as I started thinking about my alone time, I thought about what my Pastor, Jeff Wells, said about having a regular time with and desiring to be alone with God. He says that every person has a different "thumbprint" of their time alone with God. That when we find our thumbprint, we will know it because it "fits"us and we can't imagine missing it.

I agree with that, though I don't know that I would have put it that way. So I started thinking that the "thumbprint" is probably what I would call the rhythm of the relationship. Every relationship has it's own rhythm. And once you find that rhythm, it is great. For example, Mike and I, when we live together, have a rhythm that we have settled into in our "empty nest" stage. We get home from work. Whoever gets home first starts dinner. (You'd think I would strategically let him get home first, but I don't.) Then we eat dinner together (usually in front of the TV, though I have tried for years to change that, but that just usually ended up with me at the table alone.) After that, we just snuggle up together and watch tv for hours. Sounds boring, I know, but it's a "reconnect" for us. Not a lot of words are spoken, but that's okay. It works for us. After enough time on the couch, the words typically find their way as well. When we are separated for any time at all, our "routine" or "rhythm" helps us find our way back into the comfort zone. If we have an argument, the concession and reconciliation usually happens on that same couch. It's our rhythm.

Every relationship, regardless of the type, has a rhythm. I had lunch with some girlfriends in Georgia on Monday. A relationship with a rhythm of which Moe's is a regular part. I have a friend in Texas with whom seeing a movie together is part of the rhythm. With my sons, the rhythm is different with each one. From the breakfast room to my hotel room, I mentally went through a lot of relationships I have with people and thought about the rhythm I have in each of those relationships.

All that to say, I am glad that my hotel room was so far away from that waffle. It gave me a lot of time to reflect on people I love, and people I need to love better.