I don't really know how to begin a post of such importance. Do I start with a poignant remembrance of the first time I saw them? Do I tell of two years of incredible struggle that I thought might not ever culminate in this moment? Do I begin with the incredible victorius end and tell the story backward?
I think instead I will just say how my heart feels.
Relieved.
Relieved that the scariness of court is over and the attorneys and judge have all agreed that they should be ours. The gavel has been swung, the papers have been signed, the pictures have been taken. They are ours.
Relieved that no one will ever be able to take them from me again. That I will no longer know the fear of losing them to a legal system and foster care system that is broken, broken, broken.
Relieved that there is a spiritual separation from the death and darkness that once held them captive.
Relieved that their sweet names are our names, forever joined to our family.
Relieved that I am their Mama.
All that to say, they are Jones Girls. Welcome to the club babies.
Day 31: The Void
I attended the Celebration Service of Thatcher Caleb Paul yesterday, the sweet baby boy of Whitney and Eric Paul. I am left with these thoughts.
Thatcher lived 2 months and 29 days, and to me, and I am sure more so to his parents and family, that is too short.
But God, you hold time in your hand, and your timing is perfect. And whether or not I understand your timing does not change the fact that it is perfect.
His 2 months and 29 days were a daily battle for life. And I don't think that's fair, nor does my finite brain comprehend that there is a greater purpose in that.
But God, you are God, and there is purpose in everything that you give us and everything that you withhold from us. And whether or not I understand your purpose, doesn't change the fact that all your ways are good and for our good and for your kingdom and for your glory.
Thatcher's parents are so young, and he was their firstborn. I understand, Lord, (I think), that many will come to know you because of Thatcher, and because of the faith of his parents, but I wonder why ones so young must endure such an unbearable thing.
But God, you choose whom you will, to bear what you will. And whether or not I understand your will does not change the fact that your will is perfect.
I have a million unanswered questions in my mind, and the void left where those answers belong, must be filled. And my temptation is to fill that void with my own answers, or my anger, or my frustration.
But God, it is in that void that I find your grace. Your grace fills the void in my mind, and in my heart. And your word tells me that your grace is enough.
All that to say, "Lord, may your grace flood the hearts and minds and empty hollow places of all who knew and loved Thatcher Caleb Paul. And my your grace be enough."
Thatcher lived 2 months and 29 days, and to me, and I am sure more so to his parents and family, that is too short.
But God, you hold time in your hand, and your timing is perfect. And whether or not I understand your timing does not change the fact that it is perfect.
His 2 months and 29 days were a daily battle for life. And I don't think that's fair, nor does my finite brain comprehend that there is a greater purpose in that.
But God, you are God, and there is purpose in everything that you give us and everything that you withhold from us. And whether or not I understand your purpose, doesn't change the fact that all your ways are good and for our good and for your kingdom and for your glory.
Thatcher's parents are so young, and he was their firstborn. I understand, Lord, (I think), that many will come to know you because of Thatcher, and because of the faith of his parents, but I wonder why ones so young must endure such an unbearable thing.
But God, you choose whom you will, to bear what you will. And whether or not I understand your will does not change the fact that your will is perfect.
I have a million unanswered questions in my mind, and the void left where those answers belong, must be filled. And my temptation is to fill that void with my own answers, or my anger, or my frustration.
But God, it is in that void that I find your grace. Your grace fills the void in my mind, and in my heart. And your word tells me that your grace is enough.
All that to say, "Lord, may your grace flood the hearts and minds and empty hollow places of all who knew and loved Thatcher Caleb Paul. And my your grace be enough."
Day 30: Rejected
I was having a conversation with Kate (a friend of mine) the other day and she told me she was afraid to do something that she really wanted to do. When I asked her why, she simply said, "Fear of rejection."
There is nothing quite so personal as being rejected, regardless of how it comes about.
And rejection awakens a very ugly thing in us. It awakens our pride.
And since our pride is the enemy's greatest weapon against us, it is not surprising that we find ourselves rejected often.
But rejection is a natural part of life. It is. As long as other humans are around, we are bound to be rejected. They are going to pass over us for a team, pick someone else for the job we wanted, and defriend us on facebook.
So our choice is to live, knowing that others will hurt us. Or to crawl into a hole, crippled by our fear, and miss the millions of moments that God has planned for us.
All that to say, I choose life. And though I am certain to be rejected (again) at some point, it's worth the risk. I will live, I will love, and I will suffer loss. But I won't miss the moments that will come from those experiences.
There is nothing quite so personal as being rejected, regardless of how it comes about.
And rejection awakens a very ugly thing in us. It awakens our pride.
And since our pride is the enemy's greatest weapon against us, it is not surprising that we find ourselves rejected often.
But rejection is a natural part of life. It is. As long as other humans are around, we are bound to be rejected. They are going to pass over us for a team, pick someone else for the job we wanted, and defriend us on facebook.
So our choice is to live, knowing that others will hurt us. Or to crawl into a hole, crippled by our fear, and miss the millions of moments that God has planned for us.
All that to say, I choose life. And though I am certain to be rejected (again) at some point, it's worth the risk. I will live, I will love, and I will suffer loss. But I won't miss the moments that will come from those experiences.
Day 29: Fifty One
As a general rule, birthdays just do not bother me. Well, when I turned 31, that birthday bugged me a little because I was "over 30" . . . not just 30, but "OVER 30." I don't know why that was so traumatic, but it was. I cut my hair off from below my waist to over my ears. I needed some drastic change to remind me I was young, and it was cheaper than a boob job, so I cut my hair.
But the rest of the birthdays, I have loved. I love having a day that IS about me (true confession). And I love cake and presents and birthday cards. And I love growing older. Weird, I know. But growing older means you are living. And I am living and loving my life.
I will say that at 3:00 a.m. this morning, when my husband said in his very groggy, middle of the night voice, "Happy Birthday Sweetheart" I kinda felt old. And for a second, I panicked! I thought, "Oh my gosh, I'm 51. I'm OVER 50!" And as the panic of that threatened to take over my mind, and I realized my hair was already short and a boob job was out of the question, I exhaled and said, "I'm 51. That's not old. Heck, I'm 48 years younger than Sarah of the Bible was when she gave birth!"
I truly love my life and love the age I am. You might say that my bucket is quite full.
I have an incredible husband whom I have known and loved for well more than half of my life. He has taught me much about life, and love, and living life to the fullest. He has strengthened my faith (trust me, I have spent a lot of time praying for and about this man!) The love of my youth is the love of my life.
I have grown ups for children. I have a son who is married to a daughter-in-law that I adore. I have a son who is in college getting a second degree. I have seen the fruit of my labor ripen to maturity. And it is good fruit.
And I am getting to experience motherhood a second time. I have daughters! Daughters! Something I never imagined I would have in my lifetime, but something I am so grateful for.
That said, and at the risk of sounding like all that is not enough, I have decided to make a bucket list.
1. Go to Italy someday. Drink the wine there. I hear it is amazing.
2. Go see the Grand Canyon. I grew up in Arizona and never saw it.
3. See Wicked. In New York would be best, but I'd love it anywhere.
4. Rock lots and lots and lots of grandkids.
5. I'd be okay with adopting some more kids if Mike was okay with it.
6. Buy a house. (I know, lame, but really . . .)
7. See the Northern Lights in person.
8. Take my mom on a fun trip together. Just the two of us.
9. Live on a farm, or at least out in the country. But close enough to the city to do the things I love (like get pedicures and go to movies, and have dinner with my friends.)
10.Run a marathon. :-)
All that to say, I'm 51. I've got a lot of life left in me. And if my bucket list comes true, I'm going to have earned a LOT of frequent flyer miles. (I had no idea I wanted to travel so much!)
But the rest of the birthdays, I have loved. I love having a day that IS about me (true confession). And I love cake and presents and birthday cards. And I love growing older. Weird, I know. But growing older means you are living. And I am living and loving my life.
I will say that at 3:00 a.m. this morning, when my husband said in his very groggy, middle of the night voice, "Happy Birthday Sweetheart" I kinda felt old. And for a second, I panicked! I thought, "Oh my gosh, I'm 51. I'm OVER 50!" And as the panic of that threatened to take over my mind, and I realized my hair was already short and a boob job was out of the question, I exhaled and said, "I'm 51. That's not old. Heck, I'm 48 years younger than Sarah of the Bible was when she gave birth!"
I truly love my life and love the age I am. You might say that my bucket is quite full.
I have an incredible husband whom I have known and loved for well more than half of my life. He has taught me much about life, and love, and living life to the fullest. He has strengthened my faith (trust me, I have spent a lot of time praying for and about this man!) The love of my youth is the love of my life.
I have grown ups for children. I have a son who is married to a daughter-in-law that I adore. I have a son who is in college getting a second degree. I have seen the fruit of my labor ripen to maturity. And it is good fruit.
And I am getting to experience motherhood a second time. I have daughters! Daughters! Something I never imagined I would have in my lifetime, but something I am so grateful for.
That said, and at the risk of sounding like all that is not enough, I have decided to make a bucket list.
1. Go to Italy someday. Drink the wine there. I hear it is amazing.
2. Go see the Grand Canyon. I grew up in Arizona and never saw it.
3. See Wicked. In New York would be best, but I'd love it anywhere.
4. Rock lots and lots and lots of grandkids.
5. I'd be okay with adopting some more kids if Mike was okay with it.
6. Buy a house. (I know, lame, but really . . .)
7. See the Northern Lights in person.
8. Take my mom on a fun trip together. Just the two of us.
9. Live on a farm, or at least out in the country. But close enough to the city to do the things I love (like get pedicures and go to movies, and have dinner with my friends.)
10.
All that to say, I'm 51. I've got a lot of life left in me. And if my bucket list comes true, I'm going to have earned a LOT of frequent flyer miles. (I had no idea I wanted to travel so much!)
Day 28: Isn't She Lovely
I haven't prayed for her my entire life, but I've prayed for her for his entire life. And she is certainly an answer to my prayers. And I'm not just saying that because I know she'll read this. I'm saying it because it is true.
She's perfect for him because she is patient. She's perfect for him because she embraces his moody artistic side, and matches it harmoniously with her spontaneous silly side. I have proof of this spontaneosity (yes, I made up this word!) because she stood on my front porch this memorial day and danced to "Party in the USA" with my 3 year old twin daughters!
She is kind and loving and has a gentle and quiet spirit. (NOTE . . . I did NOT say a gentle and quiet personality!) Sometimes she can be quite loud, but when she is, it makes me laugh out loud, because she doesn't realize her volume has gone up. It is one of the many things that endears her to me.
I remember meeting her at camp where I was a volunteer and she was a camper. What I remember most about her was that she showed up to REC with big hair and jewelry, all decked out, a quiet act of rebellion and a statement that she would NOT be participating in camp rec! But she's just enough of a rule follower that she DID show up.
I like that she has a tiny little rebellious streak. I suspect it's bigger than I know.
And while I count her as family, because she is the beautiful wife of my oldest son, I treasure her as a friend. I don't know if boys want their moms and their wives to be friends. I sure hope so!
There really is only one thing that could make her even more perfect in my book.
Grandkids.
All that to say, Christina Taylor Jones, get busy. HA!
Day 27: Annie Dee
My grandmother Annie Dee was such a wise woman and so madly in love with Jesus. She died when she was 96 years old, and she taught me so much about loving people and loving God and loving life.
She said things all that time that were so incredibly deep, though in truth I don't know that she ever thought about her words being deep or wise or anything of the sort. But they were.
As far as I ever saw, she was not much of a grudge holder, and she didn't take too well to people who were. She used to say that life was too short to have it drained away by things like jealousy and anger. So, she just didn't get jealous or angry. (Or maybe she did, but she didn't stay that way long for me to ever notice it!)
She only loved one man in her life. He was the man of her dreams. I didn't know him at all because he died when I was a tiny baby. But I imagine that if he captured her heart and held it for the 40 years she was alive after his death, he must have been pretty special.
(She did marry again, much later in life, but she "thought" it was just for companionship . . . and when she realized "he" had other ideas, she was having none of that!)
I remember many things about this woman, but I especially remember how fiercely she loved her children. FIERCELY.
I hope that I am like her, loving Jesus madly, loving one man for a lifetime, living life free of jealousy and anger, and that I love my children fiercely.
All that to say, she's kind of my hero. I want to be like her when I grow up. Maybe if I live to be 96 I will accomplish that.
She said things all that time that were so incredibly deep, though in truth I don't know that she ever thought about her words being deep or wise or anything of the sort. But they were.
As far as I ever saw, she was not much of a grudge holder, and she didn't take too well to people who were. She used to say that life was too short to have it drained away by things like jealousy and anger. So, she just didn't get jealous or angry. (Or maybe she did, but she didn't stay that way long for me to ever notice it!)
She only loved one man in her life. He was the man of her dreams. I didn't know him at all because he died when I was a tiny baby. But I imagine that if he captured her heart and held it for the 40 years she was alive after his death, he must have been pretty special.
(She did marry again, much later in life, but she "thought" it was just for companionship . . . and when she realized "he" had other ideas, she was having none of that!)
I remember many things about this woman, but I especially remember how fiercely she loved her children. FIERCELY.
I hope that I am like her, loving Jesus madly, loving one man for a lifetime, living life free of jealousy and anger, and that I love my children fiercely.
All that to say, she's kind of my hero. I want to be like her when I grow up. Maybe if I live to be 96 I will accomplish that.
Day 26: Family Matters
In the last several months, as I have been thinking about the adoption of our daughters, I have been thinking about family and the importance of it. The family you are born into, married into, adopted into . . . they have the greatest impact on your life.
Over the course of the next days, weeks, months, I want to share some of my family with you. You learn so much from your family. I have learned so much from mine.
If you are fortunate enough, your family will teach you how to love. And you will learn this because they love you well. They love you despite your faults and your many shortcomings. They love you unconditionally.
They teach you valuable life skills like how to negotiate, how to concede, how to argue, how to reconcile.
You learn to grieve loss, celebrate victories, overcome obstacles, and survive setbacks.
Family should be your greatest allies. They should be your greatest supporters. Your greatest friends. Your greatest teachers.
But sometimes they aren't. And I know that firsthand. I love them though. All of them.
All that to say, I hope you enjoy getting to know the people who have shaped my life.
Over the course of the next days, weeks, months, I want to share some of my family with you. You learn so much from your family. I have learned so much from mine.
If you are fortunate enough, your family will teach you how to love. And you will learn this because they love you well. They love you despite your faults and your many shortcomings. They love you unconditionally.
They teach you valuable life skills like how to negotiate, how to concede, how to argue, how to reconcile.
You learn to grieve loss, celebrate victories, overcome obstacles, and survive setbacks.
Family should be your greatest allies. They should be your greatest supporters. Your greatest friends. Your greatest teachers.
But sometimes they aren't. And I know that firsthand. I love them though. All of them.
All that to say, I hope you enjoy getting to know the people who have shaped my life.
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