Some Days, I Suck As a Parent

Some days, I really suck as a parent.  I mean, I really suck as a parent.

I lose my temper.

I have adult-sized expectations of my toddlers.

I repeat myself because I am angry, and it fuels my anger to say the same thing over and over and over.

I don't want to  hear one more whiney voice tell me why they want apple juice instead of water.

I don't want it to be bath time or bed time or story time or time to brush your teeth or any other "times" other than "Can Mama just please have a hot bath and glass of wine time?"

I confess it.  Some days, I want parenting to be easy.

I don't want to have to hold my breath as I open the take home folder to see if my special needs child hit the teacher or scratched a friend or had a meltdown because someone accidentally got blueberries on their favorite shirt.

I don't want to have to think about atrocities like child abuse and neglect and a lifetime of mental rewiring that will be in our future.

I don't want to argue with Social Security about why our children need new identities or explain to the hospital where MY CHILDREN were born as to why I need their medical records and why I have the right to have them.

But most days aren't those days.  Most days are filled with barbies and cars and mud and flowers and chasing mosquito hawks through thick grass.

Most days are tiny little feet running into my bedroom and crawling into bed for a few stolen moments of snuggling before the day beckons.

Most days are reminders that God's healing power is at work and that our lives together are not a bleak future but a blessing.

All that to say, most days, most days are good days.

Day 43: Family Matters

I totally know you guys are all just sitting around hoping, just hope upon hope, that you will pop open my blog and I will be telling you some incredible story about another family member.  So . . . today is your lucky day!  My next installment of Family Matters.

When I was a little girl, I was TOTALLY a daddy's girl.  My world revolved around him.  I can even remember being a little girl, standing on his feet, gazing up into his eyes, and dancing with him.  He was my world.  My knight in shining armor.

But my knight had a dark side.  He was an alcoholic.  And following his divorce from my mom, for a period of about 5 years, he really went off the deep end.  Very often he lived on the streets, homeless and drunk, and I almost never heard from him.

But a near death experience snapped him into the realization that he had a lot to live for, and three kids, almost grown-ups by then, who desperately needed him to get his act together, and so he did.

The love of a good woman and the love of Jesus rescued him from the man he was.

And now, well, maybe he's not a knight, but he's a sweet man; a man that loves Jesus, a man that loves his kids and grand kids, a man that loves his wife and a man who has been sober for over 35 years.

I heard him tell someone at my church recently (when they commented about how sweet he was) he said, "Well, I figure we all got some good in us and we all got some bad in us.  And I just used up all my bad early on."  (If you say that in a super country voice, you can imagine what he sounds like!)

Other notable facts about my dad.  My dad is brilliant.  He devours the newspaper every single day of his life, and he doesn't forget anything (which makes him pretty freaking awesome at Trivial Pursuit at Christmas!)  And he loves to have fun!

My dad is 72 years old (soon to be) and he still goes on mission trips.  He serves at VBS at his church, works in the sound booth, and teaches RA's (a group similar to scouts.)  He works with the homeless and at the food bank.  He helps fix  the homes of widows.  He is so incredibly active, constantly giving to others.

And he is a phenomenal "Pawpaw" as he is called by his grand kids.  Even when Nikki and Shannay met him for the first time (see below) they were immediately enamored.  He calls it "Pawpaw magic."

All that to say, I guess I'm still a daddy's girl.

Day 41: Guilty

It's funny to me whenever I hear someone making fun of what other people post on facebook.  In truth, it makes me laugh a little.

Of course, I'm not laughing out loud, in their face.  I'm laughing in my head.  That crazy sounding laugh that no one else hears but you, but that makes you want to laugh out loud at yourself for being so amused.

I confess that sometimes the laugh in my head is a condescending laugh.  A laugh that says, 'Whatever, you totally know you do it too!"

But sometimes the laugh in my head is a nervous, oh-man-I'm-totally-guilty-of-that laugh.

In fact, I am VERY OFTEN guilty of the things I hear people ridiculing others about on facebook.

Some examples:

"Seriously, do people really think anyone else CARES what you are having for dinner?"

• Guilty. I have recently posted that I was having Banana Pancakes, Maple Bacon and Scrambled Eggs for dinner. I guess I thought someone cared.

"If they post one more recipe about their organic gluten free dinner, I'm going to delete them as a friend."

• Guilty.  Well, not about the organic gluten free part.  I'm dying a slow toxic death by shopping at the actual grocery store (and in the center aisles no less!)  But I have posted recipes of my meals.

"No matter how urgent the crisis, there's always time to update your status on facebook."

• Guilty.  I have done this in the ER (complete with pics), on my way to the ER, on my way home from the ER, etc.

"You know, hashtags aren't for facebook? right?"

•  Guilty.  #SueMe  #You'reNotTheBossOfMe

"I'm not dumb.  That  casual "update" that says something funny that happened with your new business is really just an ad for your new business."

• Guilty.  No explanation needed.

"I really don't care how fast, far, long you ran or what you felt like afterward."

• Guilty.  For the entire 10 months I trained for a marathon!

Oh but the list could go on.  I totally make fun of the things people post on facebook all the time, so I think hearing people making fun of things I do is sort of some kind of cosmic payback.  (if I believed in cosmic paybacks)

All that to say, I've enjoyed having a good laugh at my own expense.  And it has made me think a little bit more about WHAT I post on facebook.  Maybe.

Day 38: Special

I have special needs children.  That is a reality that I long ago accepted.  Before the age of two they had suffered abuse and atrocities that no child adult should ever have to endure . . . in a lifetime.  Abuse and atrocities that caused a hard-wiring malfunction in their rapidly forming brains.

There is much written about the importance of early life experiences and the impact on the young human brain.  The simple version is that an INCREDIBLE amount of wiring is taking place in a human brain during its first year of life.  Lots of something called "assimilation and accommodation." And this wiring determines how a person will respond to life, for their entire life.

For them, short of God's divine miraculous intervention, they will respond to life differently than a baby who received nothing but loving, nurturing care.

Their needs were not met.  They did not experience unconditional love.  They were not fed when they were hungry.  They were not held when they were frightened or hurting.  They were not cleaned when they were dirty.  They did not receive the most basic of care.  They were not talked to.  They were not given a warm place to sleep.  They were not protected.  The list could go on and on and on.

So they have special needs.

On most days, you would not know that they have special needs.  They are happy, easy-going, carefree little toddlers.

But on some days, that is not so.  Some days are hard.  Some days are very, very hard.

And on those days, the reason for my calling to be their mommy is clear.

My calling is to love them.  To hold them.  To nurture them.  To look beyond their actions and see their hearts, to know their story and to fiercely love them beyond it.

All that to say, yes, they are special.  Special beyond words.  Special beyond wiring.

Day 19: Watching Miracles Unfold

Sometimes it is incredibly difficult to know just exactly how the messages I am sending are being received in our daughters' brains.  I'm sure the parent of any toddler would probably say the same thing!  I often have to remind myself that EVERYTHING my girls say and do cannot and should not be connected to their abuse prior to coming to our home.  Some of the things they say and do are perfectly normal in the realm of toddlerdom.

That said, I also know that their little brains got miswired along the way and now they don't always process the things we say in the right way.  And sometimes, when they cannot act, think, say, or do what they want to, they meltdown.  And once they are melting down, they cannot self-regulate.  They cannot get themselves back to a normal state without a lot of help.

This process of self-regulation is a big goal for them. It involves both their ability to NOT meltdown in the first place, as well as their ability to get back to neutral once they have melted down. Anyway, one of the things we do to teach them this process is something that is known quite simply as a "redo." 

Once they are calm, we re-enact the crime (if you will) and this time they act appropriately, speak politely, don't freak out, don't melt down, don't punch anyone.  You know.  They self-regulate.  Supposedly, this helps their brain remember how to act in the future.

We are always, and I mean ALWAYS the initiators of the "redo."  But tonight, a miracle happened.  Shortstack was having a meltdown because she wanted to go bye-bye with her daddy, but she wouldn't get off the bike and go in the house, so we told her she couldn't go with him.  MELTDOWN.  But then, without warning, she stood up, walked over to me, calmed herself and said, "Can I have a redo?"

WHAT?!! YES!!!  Omgosh!!! 

I know this doesn't seem really monumental to most people, but to us, this was a MAJOR step toward her own self-regulation.  She stopped her own meltdown.  Suggested her own redo.  She regulated!  And that helps us see that her brain is healing.  Her brain is FREAKING HEALING!!!!

I'm seriously beside myself and just couldn't wait to share it with you all.

All that to say, the beautiful little girl she was created to be is slowly finding its way out.  I love watching miracles unfold.