Day 40: These Simple Truths

I've been thinking a lot about marriage lately.  Mostly because of my own marriage, which by anyone's standards isn't perfect, and by some standards might be considered dysfunctional, but by my standards is my marriage, mine to love, hate, appreciate, despise, fix, ignore, etc.  (Well, mine and Mike's, of course.)  And by my standards it's a really good marriage.  (Well, on most days!)

Michael Smalley, a friend of mine, said to me recently, "Carol, anyone who's been married for almost 31 years has figured something out about marriage.  Not to say your marriage couldn't use a "tune-up" because most people's can, but loving someone and being married to them for 31 years is noteworthy."

And Kim, another friend of mine, said this, "I've figured out that I need to focus a lot more on what I need to change about me and a lot less on what I want my husband to change about himself."

As I am thinking about marriage today, I could not help but think about the "wisdom" I so often share with young couples as they prepare to get married.   I often say, "If you can just remember two things about each other's needs, you'll never have to read a single book on marriage.  It's this:

Women, your husbands really want two things from you (not counting a ridiculous amount of sex on a regular basis) - they want you to respect them (deeply admire them) and honor them.  This looks different in every marriage.  Maybe they want you to respect their opinion more than anyone else's.  Maybe they want you to tell them what a great husband, father, lover, provider they are.  Maybe they want you to defer to their decision occasionally.  Like I said, it will look different in every marriage.  But just ask yourself this question every single time,

"Is what I am about to say, think, do going to tell my husband how deeply I respect and honor him?  Will my words, thoughts, deeds make him feel respected and honored?"

Men, your wives really want two things from you.  They want to feel cherished and protected.  And this looks different in every marriage.  They want to feel like they are more special to you than anything else and that there is no way you could live your life without them in it, nor would you want to.  They want to feel like you would not only die for them, but you would go out of your way to make sure they are safe in every big way, and in every small way.  This could range from taking care of their car to never saying or doing something that would intentionally hurt them.  Like I said, it will look different in every marriage, but just ask yourself this question every single time, "

"Is what I am about to say, think do, going to say to my wife that I cherish her and want to protect her?  Will my words, thoughts, deeds make her feel cherished and protected?"

I confess to you, I do not always remember to do this.  And after a while of not doing it, I find that my marriage becomes stressful, unpleasant, volatile, and rocky.  But when we mutually meet each other's most basic needs, our marriage is everything it should be. 

You want to revolutionize your marriage?   Practice these simple truths.  Respect and Honor.  Cherish and Protect.

All that to say, that's good advice.  I should take it myself . . . WAY MORE OFTEN.