Why I Married That Jerk

I remember meeting Mike Jones that day in the Student Union of LSU in 1979.  As far as I could tell, he had one major personality flaw.  He was a jerk.  And the only thing that was bigger than his personality was his reputation for being a . . . hmmmm . . . how can I say this in a way that would be culturally relevant 33 years later

 . . .  he was a p-l-a-y-e-r.

So no, I wasn't too impressed.

But we had a large circle of the same friends, and as was the "thing" back in those days, we often ended up in the Student Union together at the same table playing Spades with our mutual friends.  Playing Spades with Mike did little to change my impression of him, other than perhaps to add adjectives to my already dim view of him.  He went from being a jerk in my mind to an arrogant jerk, a cheating jerk (he was notoriously bad for cheating, but virtually impossible to catch) but also a brilliant jerk.

I'd often tell my friends, "It's a shame he's such a jerk because he's so dang smart and cute."

So how in the world did I ever end up on a date with this man, much less married to him?

Well that story started 34 years ago today, the anniversary of our first date.

You see, he was brilliant, and I sucked at math, and he helped me pass college algebra.  And honestly, I was so surprised to pass that class (I got a solid "D" and was incredibly grateful!)  that when grades were posted, and I passed, I ran straight to the student union and found Mike Jones and kissed him straight on the mouth. It was a spontaneous gesture.  I was overcome.  Don't judge me.

And in that moment, when he saw my weakness, he charged, as any good p-l-a-y-e-r with an "a" game would do, and said, "You know, I think you should repay me with a date."  And I agreed.  Because I was weak.  And grateful.  And it was sort of a good kiss.

And even though my friends were appalled that I was going to go on a date with "THE Mike Jones" I have to say it was the best move of my life to date.  Turns out he wasn't a jerk.  He was funny, and sensitive, and a man richly in love with his family.  And a marvelous kisser.

Three days later, (which also happened to be 3 DATES later) he declared that someday he was going to marry me.

All that to say, I learned that sometimes you have to look beyond what you think you know about someone and realize there's a richness to people that we sometimes never take the time to see.  I'm glad I married that "jerk."  Turns out he's the gift of my life.  (But he still cheats at cards.)

So Happy Anniversary of our First Date to you, Mike Jones.  

32 Years to the Same Man?

I was talking with a young woman a few weeks ago about marriage and conflict and conflict resolution.  

She asked me, "How have you done it for 32 years?  Stayed married?"

I said, "That's easy.  When I have days that are incredibly good or devastatingly bad, there is one person I want to run to, and that's my husband."

Mike and I are 32 years older than we were on the day we married.    In some ways, we are completely different people than we were then.  People change.  Life changes us, often in ways we would never expect.

And the truth is, some days marriage is hard.  After 32 years, I am often surprised that we argue about the same damn things we argued about in our first year of marriage.  Seriously.  We do.  Arghhh!

On more than one occasion, my husband has not lived up to my very high expectations of him, and I am quite certain that I have failed to meet his expectations as well.

 And yet . . .

One Thing Remains

At our core, one thing remains.  We love each other.  For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, til death do us part. That, my friends, is a rich love that withstands all the crap that life can throw at it.

There is a worship song I love that says,

Your love never fails
It never gives up
It never runs out me


Though I know the words to the song are about Jesus, I believe this is the same love Mike and I pledged to each other on the day we were married. (I technically also pledged to obey. I'm not doing so well in that area! HA!)

I love you Mike Jones, for so many reasons.  I hope you always know how much I love you.

(And in case you forget, just think about how awesome I am in bed!)

All that to say, Happy Anniversary Mr. Man.  I love you.

Why Perspective Is So Important

I am a ghost writer (well, except for this blog and the other ones that will be launching very, very soon!)

What that means is that I write for other people.  They give me their thoughts, the points they want to make, and I make sentences and paragraphs for them.  That's the simple version of it.  But you get the gist.

I'm a "ghost" because I don't have a by-line on their work.  A by-line is the place on an article or a book that tells you who wrote it.  But I like being a ghost.  I don't need the by-line.  And after all, it's their work.  Their thoughts.  Their points.  I'm just helping them to be awesome at what they do. (HA!  If I do say so myself!)

I have some really, really great people that I get to work with who are doing great, great things in the world.  They are helping churches, helping people in the midst of some difficult life struggles, helping women have more organized lives, and helping people build their dreams, just to name a few! How can I NOT love this job?

There are days when I'm overwhelmed at the level of trust people have placed in me.

Yesterday was one of those days.  At the end of the day I sat down at the kitchen table, put my head in my hands, and said to my husband about a new, very large client that I have, "I don't know if I can do this.  What if I'm not good enough? They're trusting me with their dream!"  He said, "They picked you.  They know tons of writers.  Probably good ones.  They picked you.  Now go take a bubble bath."

I love that man.  Such perspective.

It is so easy to convince ourselves what we aren't.  What we can't do.  What we won't be good at.  Sometimes we just need people who have a different vantage point to give us perspective.

All that to say, I'm feeling thankful today.  Thankful for great people who trust me with their dreams.  And thankful for a new perspective.  (and for my husband who knows how to shut down my doubts!)

An Online Affair

Mike and I were sitting in our living room one evening, each doing our own thing, (a routine we comfortably fell into when the boys were little), when I realized he was on Facebook.  Unable to resist, I sent him a somewhat racy message via Facebook chat, and then I sat with delighted anticipation as I waited for him to see the message.

I knew the moment it came across his screen because he smiled a mischievous smile and quickly started typing.  For the last several weeks, we have had a very playful, and mostly G-rated interchange via Facebook and text messages.  In short, we've been flirting with each other through modern technology and social media.

I'm sure by now some of you are thinking, "Seriously? Close your computers, get off your phones, and talk to each other!"  And of course you are right, but hear me out.



I'm loving this new found way of interacting with my husband.  It's fun.  It's spicy. (Sorry Zack and Jacob) It's refreshing and new and has added life to our relationship. We've even had a couple of arguments in real time that he followed up with an apology text or sweet message later on (when he was at work).

Complacency could have killed my marriage.  I'm sure it's killed many.  I guess, in a weird way, I could say that Facebook saved my marriage. (But that would be a grand overstatement.)  Facebook surely added some fun to our evenings, but it didn't save my marriage.


That said, I can easily see how it could wreck marriages. All of this has made me keenly aware of how dangerous the Internet is for marriages where people are lonely or isolated or distant from their spouse. I can see why people end up having affairs that begin online.

All that to say, I'm grateful that the Internet provided us with a way to add a little spice to our marriage. But MAN does there need to be a lot more messaging happening about the dangers of social media and marriage.  Guard your hearts and minds, people.  Guard your hearts and minds.

A Dime's Worth of Change

I am not a fan of resolutions.  Not because I don't think people need to set goals, but because people often set unrealistic goals, especially at the beginning of a new year!

Resolutions fail because people fail to think long term before they make them.

I'm all in favor of people getting healthier, having better marriages, drawing closer to God, but sometimes I think we all go about it all wrong.

What if I told you that your life could be significantly different just by changing it in small ways? Instead of thinking radical change, what if you thought about change in terms of a dime's worth of change?

Here are some examples of small changes, Ten Cent changes, that can significantly change your life for the better.  I've taken common resolutions and turned them into Ten Cent Life Changes.

Common Goal:  Read the Bible through in a Year.
Ten Cent Change: Read the Bible 10% more than you are already doing it.

(This one is for my Christian friends, or for those who are curious about the Bible.)  If you're not reading it at all, try reading it for 10 minutes every day.  If you're already reading it for 30 minutes, read it 33 minutes.  Increase it by 10%.  (Did you know that with just 10 minutes a day, you can read the Bible cover to cover in one year.)

Common Goal:  No More Diet Drinks, Cokes, Sweet Tea, Coffee (insert drink of choice!)  Only water.
Ten Cent Change:  Drink 10 more ounces of water every day.

That's a little more than one glass.  One simple way to implement that change is to order water when you eat out. The next time you drive through the drive through, order water.  Over time, you'll discover that drinking water when you are eating out has become a habit (and saved you a lot of money!)

Or maybe, every morning at breakfast, drink water (Bob Harper from the Biggest Loser says, "Skinny people drink water first thing every morning.")

Goal:  Get Healthy (Join a gym, lose weight, eat clean/paleo/gluten-free/primal/whatever)
Ten Cent Change: If you lead a sedentary life,  if you never exercise, if you are overweight and eat crap all the time; DO NOT TRY TO CHANGE EVERYTHING AT ONCE.  YOU WILL FAIL.

Change in increments of 10.
Step 1:  Get active. Do some kind of exercise for 10 minutes a day.  Then, once you are up to 30 minutes a day, then THINK about joining a gym.  But before you do, determine how it will fit into your life.  Otherwise, you'll waste your money and become part of the "January Gym" people.

Step 2:  Set a realistic weight loss goal.  How about 1 pound a week?  Or how about 10 pounds?  And then once you get to 10 pounds (however long that takes you) set another 10 pound goal.

Step 3:  Eating healthier doesn't mean you have to become a clean/paleo/gluten-free/primal plan eater.  There are many healthy eating options for you to choose from.  If you make a sudden, radical change, unless it is ordered by your doctor, you will most likely NOT sustain that eating habit.  Start small.  Try eliminating sweets and eating fruit in its place.  Or try the lesser fat versions of the things you love (salad dressing, mayonnaise, milk, beef, etc.)  Small, incremental changes are more likely to help you than fad diets.

Here's an easy exercise you can do to eat healthier:

Make a list of 10 small changes you can make to your eating habits.
1. Eat the lower fat version.
2. Eat more fruit.
3. Eat fresh veggies instead of canned whenever possible.
4. Don't buy junk food, but if you really, really want ice cream, go out for it.
5. Don't salt your food at the table.
6. Eat on smaller plates.
7. Try one new healthy food a week (or a month if that's too much for you)
8. Take your lunch to work.
9. Reduce the number of times you eat out by one time a week.
10. When you do eat out, ask for the to-go box at the beginning of the meal.

Now you make your list!

And for those of you who are following a clean/paleo/primal/gluten-free diet, I'm not saying you are a fad.  But I do hope you are educated about why you are eating that way, and not just doing it because everyone else is.  I talk to so many people who eat according to these strict regimens and have no idea why they are doing it.  For our family, we are trying to eat better and we are gradually adopting clean eating habits.  If I tried to do that all at once, I would have a revolt on my hands!

But I would like to say that Mike Jones gladly purchased whole grain pasta for me the other day and happily ate brown rice.  :)  Small changes people.  Small changes.

Common Goal:  Improve my marriage.
Ten Cent Change: Spend 10 intentional, focused, uninterrupted minutes a day with your spouse.  I mean, no TV, no phones, no computers, no kids, no interruptions.  Just 10 intentional minutes.

Of course, I know how Mike would want to spend his 10 intentional minutes. :)  (And I suppose that WOULD improve my marriage!) HA!

All that to say, you can set resolutions and keep them.  A dime's worth of change is better than a dollar's worth of good intentions.

All That to Say: A Weekend of Surprises

I was on facebook the other day when I saw that one of my former Marathon Makeover peeps was offering her Hyatt San Antonio Riverwalk rooms for $100 a room.  (She had booked the rooms because she thought she'd run the marathon, but an injury sidelined her.)

These are rooms that typically go for well over $400 a night, so I contacted her and took one of the nights off of her hands.  After I contacted my village (aka Zack and Christina) to see if they could watch the girls, I surprised Mike with the announcement that we were going to San Antonio Friday and Saturday!

It was a weekend of surprises to say the least.

We arrived at our hotel room Friday around 3 p.m. and decided to just hang out in our beautiful room.  A couple hours later, after an awesome nap (something we just don't get to do much!) we decided to get moving and get ready for dinner.

I had just undressed when I thought I heard a faint knocking sound.  It stopped so I just assumed that someone was knocking at a door across the hallway.  But you know what happens when you assume, don't you?

All the sudden, I heard our door handle click and the door opened!  (note to self: always use the security lock on your hotel room door!)  Let me tell you, I couldn't have moved any faster out of view if I'd superpowers. 

"HELLO?" I said in a panicked voice.

"I'm here to check your phone,"  the voice said back.

(What the heck?!!!)  I thought in my head.

"Well you aren't gonna do it now!" I said back in the same panicked but slightly tinged with anger voice.

After I put clothes on, we went downstairs to discuss the situation with the hotel staff.  The man at the desk said, "Well I'm sorry that happened.  What would you like me to do for you?"

(In my head, I saw that conversation going differently.)

He suggested we should think about how the hotel could help us and let him know the next day.  Seriously.  I just thought that was an odd approach.  Maybe it's not.

Anyway, next morning, we went downstairs and our helper wasn't there, so we had to re-explain to the new front desk girl what happened.  She blushed when I said naked.  And said, "Oh my goodness."

We said, "The man we spoke to last night suggested we come back this morning and let him know how the hotel could help make it up to us.  We thought maybe if you comp'd our parking that would be nice."

Well apparently she didn't think so.  Because she comp'd our parking, bought our breakfast, and then comp'd our room.  (I think she was more embarrassed than I was!)

All that to say, it was a weekend of surprises.  I wonder what they would have given us if the room intruder had actually SEEN me naked!!!!  Bahahaha!

Day 73: The Moments

 Several years ago, I was driving down the beltway in a blinding rain, crying so hard that my chest was literally shaking from the emotion, and the only person I wanted to talk to was my husband.  Somehow, in that moment, he was the only one who could make the world feel right.

Those are the moments that keep a marriage together for 31 years. 

I can think of a million moments in our marriage when I have wanted to strangle him, or throw his clothes out the front door, or karate chop him in the face.  (I may or may not have actually played this out in my mind).

I can think of a lot of times when I have wanted to scream my head off at him.

I can even think of moments when I have wondered if I had been knocked in the head when I decided to marry him!

But then, there are those moments . . .

moments when the world tilts ever so slightly,

just enough to make me feel unstable, unsure, insecure.

And in those moments, when I reach out, trying to balance myself, or to hang on . . .

He's

Always

There.

All that to say, I really love you, Mike Jones.  (Even though I had to watch football the ENTIRE weekend, and you hog all the covers at night, and insist upon spooning when you KNOW I can't sleep like that!)  I love you because you make the world safe for me.  You really do complete me.

Day 42: The Blame Game

So, last night I was talking to the police officers  who serve at our church, two different conversations at different times, but oddly about the same topic: marriage and blame.

In the first conversation, the officer was telling me about counseling a young married couple who were having problems.  His counsel to the husband was that he had to quit blaming his wife for the problems in their marriage (her being overweight, overspending, never keeping a job).  And his counsel to the wife was to quit blaming her husband for the problems in their marriage (porn addiction, an affair 13 years earlier) and for each of them to accept responsibility for their own issues, and for each of them to be grown ups and get help for the issues they needed help with.

Seemed like good advice.

The next conversation I had with the second officer was about Adam and Eve, and how since the dawn of man, pretty much, woman has been wreaking havoc in the world by manipulating her husband into doing things that he should not do.  His "version" of the garden was that Adam told Eve not to eat the forbidden fruit, but that she did it anyway, and when he saw that she didn't die, he thought, "Awww, why not?  She didn't die, so maybe I will just take one bite." And so Eve ruined the world.  Pretty much.

I said, "So not unlike the first man who said, "Lord, it was that woman you gave me," you too are blaming the woman?"

He laughed and said, "See, you're trying to twist what I said.  The husband didn't do anything wrong.  He was just following his wife.  The wife that God gave him."

I said, "So now it's God's fault?"

He threw up his hands and laughed!

I said, "What if the woman accepted blame for not obeying her husband, who was trying to cherish and protect her by telling her not to eat the fruit?  And what if the husband accepted blame for not obeying God and for not leading his wife, but instead just followed her blindly into sin?"

Weren't they really both to blame?  God made it pretty clear they both owned a part of it.

What I take from both of these conversations is this; in every relationship,  each person in the relationship has some responsibility for the condition of the relationship.  (Some relationships are incredibly abusive, physically, emotionally, and verbally, and the abuse within the relationship is only the fault of the person doing the abusing . . . in case you're thinking I'm saying something else.)

However, in a typical marriage, what would happen if both parties just owned their own "stuff?"  Seems like that would at least be a healthy start toward marital health.

All that to say, sometimes keeping score is a good idea, just not in a marriage.  The Blame Game is a game with no winner.

Day 40: These Simple Truths

I've been thinking a lot about marriage lately.  Mostly because of my own marriage, which by anyone's standards isn't perfect, and by some standards might be considered dysfunctional, but by my standards is my marriage, mine to love, hate, appreciate, despise, fix, ignore, etc.  (Well, mine and Mike's, of course.)  And by my standards it's a really good marriage.  (Well, on most days!)

Michael Smalley, a friend of mine, said to me recently, "Carol, anyone who's been married for almost 31 years has figured something out about marriage.  Not to say your marriage couldn't use a "tune-up" because most people's can, but loving someone and being married to them for 31 years is noteworthy."

And Kim, another friend of mine, said this, "I've figured out that I need to focus a lot more on what I need to change about me and a lot less on what I want my husband to change about himself."

As I am thinking about marriage today, I could not help but think about the "wisdom" I so often share with young couples as they prepare to get married.   I often say, "If you can just remember two things about each other's needs, you'll never have to read a single book on marriage.  It's this:

Women, your husbands really want two things from you (not counting a ridiculous amount of sex on a regular basis) - they want you to respect them (deeply admire them) and honor them.  This looks different in every marriage.  Maybe they want you to respect their opinion more than anyone else's.  Maybe they want you to tell them what a great husband, father, lover, provider they are.  Maybe they want you to defer to their decision occasionally.  Like I said, it will look different in every marriage.  But just ask yourself this question every single time,

"Is what I am about to say, think, do going to tell my husband how deeply I respect and honor him?  Will my words, thoughts, deeds make him feel respected and honored?"

Men, your wives really want two things from you.  They want to feel cherished and protected.  And this looks different in every marriage.  They want to feel like they are more special to you than anything else and that there is no way you could live your life without them in it, nor would you want to.  They want to feel like you would not only die for them, but you would go out of your way to make sure they are safe in every big way, and in every small way.  This could range from taking care of their car to never saying or doing something that would intentionally hurt them.  Like I said, it will look different in every marriage, but just ask yourself this question every single time, "

"Is what I am about to say, think do, going to say to my wife that I cherish her and want to protect her?  Will my words, thoughts, deeds make her feel cherished and protected?"

I confess to you, I do not always remember to do this.  And after a while of not doing it, I find that my marriage becomes stressful, unpleasant, volatile, and rocky.  But when we mutually meet each other's most basic needs, our marriage is everything it should be. 

You want to revolutionize your marriage?   Practice these simple truths.  Respect and Honor.  Cherish and Protect.

All that to say, that's good advice.  I should take it myself . . . WAY MORE OFTEN.

Day 39: Turning the Magnifying Glass

I have been told that I am a good coach by the people that work for me (coach is the term we use for the people who are our direct reports).  I think what makes me good is that I see people's strengths and weaknesses and work to help them maximize what they are good at, while minimizing those areas where they are not strong.  In addition, I help them to understand why their strengths can cause them to be less tolerant of other's weaknesses and vice-versa)

I did not make up this method of coaching.  It's quite famous actually.  But it's one I find works incredibly well.

I was thinking about that last night in relation to two things in my own life, marriage and parenting.

Mike and I, like most married couples, argue about ridiculous things.  Shoes, dishes, dinner, laundry, money, checkbooks (yes, we still use one) bedtimes, playing with toddlers, tv selections, expectations, sex, and on and on and on.

I got seriously frustrated with him yesterday as the girls were playing in the pool outside and he was "supervising" them to death.  "Don't splash.  Don't go near the bushes.  Don't, don't, don't . . ."

When I asked him why he was upset with Shannay, he said, "She won't mind me."

Well, that part was true, and I totally agreed that she should obey him, I just was trying to "gently" (HA!) encourage him to adjust his expectations for HOW they should play.  (Seriously, we were arguing because he didn't want them to splash the water out onto the grass and I thought that was dumb.)

Anyway, later, as in 3 a.m. later, when he was getting up with Shannay who was having a bad dream and Nikki who was banging her head, I thought to myself, "He is so incredibly good with them in the middle of the night, and I seriously am not."

We have long known that I am not good in the middle of the night, and he is.  He was good in the middle of the night with the boys too.  It's a strength.  And then it hit me.  It's his strength!  Why can't I just be grateful that it is his strength and let him operate in it!  And why can't I be grateful that having reasonable expectations of how 3 year olds play is mine?  And then let's just both operate in our strengths, instead of focusing so damn much on our weaknesses all the time!

And then I thought about the million other things we argue about, and they are almost all centered around strengths and weaknesses. Imagine if I just turned my magnifying glass toward his strengths and quit magnifying his weaknesses?

All that to say, perspective is everything.

Day 56: Learning to Communicate . . . Again

Mike and I have not ever really mastered the art of communication. When we had been married less than a year, we attended a marriage retreat weekend. At the retreat, the leader asked, "What is the most important aspect of any relationship?" I said, "Listening" and Mike said, "Talking."

We should have known right then that we were in trouble.

What we both meant was "Communication."

So pretty much from the get go we have had trouble with "communication."

A few nights ago, we were talking about all the changes in our life that were taking place at such a breakneck speed, and how those changes have really adversely affected our relationship.

Seems like we have not done a great job talking to each other through all of this.

So, we sat down and each agreed that we could give the other person a couple of things to work on as it relates to communication.

I told Mike I would like him to work on not asking every question as though it was an indictment. (Seriously, he has such a way of asking the most mundane question in such a way, you fear for your life if you answer incorrectly.) And I also asked him to share his heart with me. (Seems like all we women are asking our men for this one!)

Mike said he only had one. He asked me to just quit being such a b-scratch all the time (pretty sure you can figure out b-scratch) . . . to quit responding to every question, statement, observation or comment with a tone and an attitude. LOL. (I do that?)

We even gave each other permission to tell the other person when they are doing the thing they are supposed to stop doing.

It's working pretty well.

So well in fact, that we have actually had some fun conversations lately. He is in such a good place with all of the new business stuff, and I am LOVING that he will be home before 7:30 p.m. most nights.

Last night I said, "Babe, this is going to be so awesome. You're going to get home earlier. I won't be so worn out from the girls. We'll both be rested when they go to bed. You'll get your hopes up. I'll dash them shortly before I go to bed. It's just going to be awesome." We both laughed pretty hard. (I secretly knew I was telling the truth!)

All that to say, we're learning to communicate. Again. It's amazing what a little hope will do for you.