Day 111: For a Good Time Call

So a little vulnerability here today . . . okay a lot.  I've been struggling a little bit lately with feeling isolated, alone, lonely . . . it's hard to put the exact word on how I'm feeling because in truth, I don't know exactly how it is that I am feeling.

I tried to explain it to my women's small group a few weeks ago, a group that I have been meeting with for almost two years.  And even with them, I struggled to say how exactly it was that I was feeling.  Again, because I didn't know that I could totally put it into words.

Yesterday, I chatted with an old friend (via facebook, not surprisingly) and as we were talking, she asked what was wrong . . . said she could hear it in my voice. (which is funny considering we were typing, not talking.)  I thought to myself, "should I just say I'm fine and try not to muddle through another explanation of my feelings or should I lay it out there with someone I haven't talked to in months?"

So of course, I started and struggled and stammered and finally she rescued me by saying this, (it's long, but she gave me permission to write it)   "You just want to have some fun, Carol.  You want to be the kind of friend that people just call on a whim and say "Hey you want to hang out? or You want to go to a movie? or You want to run away to Cancun for a week?" 

She said, "You've always been that way.  You want to be the fun friend, the funny friend, the light-hearted, good time friend.  But you aren't.  And you've always struggled with that.  And I've seen that desire catch up to you many times, my friend.  And that's what's happening now."

In closing she said, "But this is the friend that you ARE.  You are the friend that people know they can trust to be honest when they need honesty more than anything else.  You are the friend they know will listen to the chaos of their lives and won't judge them.  You are the friend that loves so deeply, that no amount of time and distance will ever cause that to end.  You are generous, and loving and selfless, often to your detriment.  I just wish that someday you could stop wanting to be a different kind of friend than you are, because you are one of the best friends I have ever had.  Sometimes you're a little intense for me, you are, because sometimes I DO just want to be crazy and have fun and you AREN'T the first person I think of, but it doesn't mean you aren't fun or funny or a blast to hang out with.  You just aren't my "go-to" girl for the fun stuff.  But you're my "go-to" girl for the things in my life that require true friendship."

And my take-away was this. The enemy wants to tell me, all the time, what I am not, what I cannot be, what I cannot have.  He knows my weakest points, and he POUNDS them as often as he can, until eventually he wears me down.  But I just need to embrace who God has created me to be and quit longing so hard to be someone different.

All that to say, real friends tell you the truth, even when it's hard to hear.  Real friends, real true friends know you well enough to speak truth into your lives.  I guess that's the kind of friends I need and that's the kind of friend I want to be.  (But "good time" Carol still wants to come out and play sometimes!)