What Else is There to Do?

I haven't blogged about this in a while.  Honestly, because I was gun shy from some hate-filled responses I got.  But the purpose of this blog is to live my life out loud, in a real, transparent, and authentic way that  hopefully connects with you, helps you, challenges you, makes you laugh or shake your head.

I lost my job in August.  And by "lost it" I mean I was let go, fired, canned, dismissed.  I don't want or need to make it prettier or uglier than it is.  It's just a harsh reality.

I would disclose the reasons to you, but in all honesty, I don't fully know or understand the reasons, nor is this about the reasons.  I'm not trying to say someone is or isn't to blame.  I'm not trying to say I am or am not to blame.

That's not the point of this post.

The point is that though I am 3 months down the road, doing something I LOVE to do, making more money than I ever thought possible working part-time from home (and Starbucks . . . and McDonald's . . . they have free wi-fi, aren't crowded and their coffee is cheaper!)  Anyway, I digress.  I LOVE what I am doing, making great money doing it, am home with the girls except for 2.5 hours, 2 mornings a week.  Even though my outside circumstances are not remotely bleak . . .

I still struggle.  I have days that the grief and loss that I feel wash over me like a tidal wave.  I struggle to speak, to interact in a decent way with my family, to function.

I miss little things and big things.  I miss my work.  It was life-giving.  I miss helping people get connected to their calling, to community.

I miss prayer days.

I miss interacting with my co-workers that I have done life with, some for 5 years.

I miss the security guards.  They're such great people and have taught me so much about how the world perceives Christians.

From what I understand, these feelings of loss and grief are normal, and I can expect them to be like this for a long, long time.

So what do I do with these grief waves that threaten to tow me under on some days?

There is only one thing I can do.  I run to Jesus.  I run to His Word.

Proverbs 12:25 says, "Anxiety in a man's heart weighs it down, but a good word makes it glad."  I find the most incredible comfort in the Word, the Bible.  God's holy and spoken word to us.  It speaks peace and comfort over me and gives my soul rest.

All that to say, I find comfort today in this from Psalm 33, "By the word of the Lord the heavens were made, and by the breath of His mouth all their host.  He lays up the deeps in storehouses.  Let all the earth fear the Lord; Let all the inhabitants of the world stand in awe of Him.  For He spoke, and it was done.  He commanded, and it stood fast."  God's got it. And even if I don't understand, he's still in control.  Totally in control.  And I can trust this He is for me and for my good.

All That to Say: He's Got It; He's Got Me

When my boys were younger, we took them to Disney World.  They were old enough to enjoy it and really take it all in (and also remember the trip!) but still young enough to appreciate fun things like chasing down characters for photo ops. 

There was this one ride, though, that was terrifying.  Truly terrifying.  It was called Alien Encounter,

 

and was Disney's one deviation from its otherwise "child friendly" environment.

 

It was an interactive "experience" ride about a space alien who escaped and terrorized those of us "visiting" the holding capsule where he was being held.  There was an initial shock, when we realized pretty quickly something was wrong, followed by anticipation of the fallout, followed by pure fear, and finally the perceived end.

But just when we thought the ride was over, the terror of it started over.  I was screaming "it's not real, it's not real, it's not real" to the kid on one side of me who was screaming in terror.  And I was squeezing the heck out of the leg of the other kid who wasn't making a sound.  All the while telling myself that it was almost over.  It was a grueling experience, to say the least.

That ride is how I have felt of late.  When I lost my job, there was an initial shock, the shock where I realized pretty quickly that something was really wrong.  That was quickly followed by the thoughts of all that would be drastically affected by the change.  Followed by pure fear . . . (yes, I know I should have been completely trusting in Jesus, but I wasn't.  I was afraid.  I was uncertain. I was in shock.  I was hurting.  I most assuredly was not trusting.  I was trying, but I wasn't trusting.)

And finally, I turned a corner.  I met with a friend who helped me really ask myself what I wanted to do with my life moving forward.  He helped me think through what my family needed, what I was good at, and what I believed God wanted me to do.  I started my own business, which at its core is  primarily a content management company, (we write stuff for people) but also provides marketing and design services. It is just doing incredibly well (that's actually an understatement), and I am amazed every day to see how rapidly it is growing.

I started to see God's hand in all of this.  I realized that God knew I was going to lose my job.  It wasn't a surprise to Him.  He didn't look over one day and say, "Whoa!  Totally didn't see that coming!"  I began to feel a sense of peace.  A sense of purpose returned.  The world stopped spinning madly out of control.  I could breathe.

But just like that ride at Disney, this present interactive  life "experience ride" is grueling.  From what I understand, it is grief.  I am processing what has been lost, which is much.  And while I am incredibly grateful for all that God is doing, I still some days find myself grieving.

It is on days like this that I find the greatest comfort in scripture.  Psalm 32:7 says, "You are my hiding place; You preserve me from trouble; You surround me with songs of deliverance."

All that to say, it is incredibly comforting to know that even when I feel overwhelmed or sad or troubled, God's got it, and He's got me.