A Million Dollar Yes, A Million Dollar No

I recently had the opportunity to make millions of dollars.  I'm not even kidding. (I kind of wish I was.)

It's hard to turn down millions of dollars.  Trust me, I know.

I know because I didn't turn it down. I said yes.  I said, "Hell yes."  (Sorry.  I did.)

But I didn't say yes without running it by some very important people.

I asked my husband what he thought.

I asked my friends what they thought.

I asked some really great business gurus what they thought.

And they all said "Do it!"

So I jumped in with both feet.  But then I started second guessing myself.  I couldn't put my finger on it, but I had a pretty compelling feeling that I wasn't "supposed" to take the offer.

But I pushed forward and kept going.  Soon, the "feeling" became a loud pounding in my spirit.  It got so loud that I finally just shut down, curled up in my bed, and asked God what I should do.

I felt like he said to me, "Great question, Carol.  Maybe you should have asked me in the first place."

Ummmm . . . yeah . . .

Ouch.

Truth hurts.

Funny thing about asking God what HIS plan is.  Once you know it, and relinquish your control  (and possibly millions of dollars) to obey it, all the questions, all the second guessing, and all the wrestling is over.

I'm not telling you it was an easy decision, but obeying God's will is always, always, always, the best  and only real option.

All that to say, I guess I won't be buying the house of my dreams out in the country, with a pool and horses (two things I've been told would be GREAT for the girls).  But hey, if God wants us to have a pool and horses, we will.  And if not, that's okay too.  He's probably got a better plan. Probably.

Day 72: A Psalm of Assurance

One morning, as I was driving to west Texas, I felt like God wanted me to pray the 23rd Psalm; but for the life of me, I couldn't get past, "The Lord is my Shepherd" (which is a little funny considering I was a Children's Pastor for a lot of years . . . it's sort of a staple in Children's Ministry!)

 

Anyway, as I was driving and lamenting the fact that I couldn't remember the 23rd Psalm, my friend, Becky, called me and prayed this Psalm over me.  It was so deeply meaningful to me in that moment that I sobbed as she read it over me.

I love the Psalms, so much so that each morning I read one. I have done this for most of my Christian life, probably because early on some other Christ-follower told me I should do so. One morning, as I was reading, I started writing what I understood that Psalm to mean. It's not a deep theological explanation; just what I felt God was saying to me on that day.

This morning, as I sat down to read my Psalm of the day, I read the 23rd Psalm and noticed these markings.

The Lord is my Shepherd
     - It's so personal.  He's my shepherd.  Not A shepherd, but MY shepherd.

I Shall not  want
     - It's so simple.  If I stopped here, it would be enough. 

He makes me lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside quiet waters.
     - There is tranquility, not confusion

He restores my soul;
     - He puts together the broken pieces of me.  I am restored.

He guides me in the paths of righteousness for His name's sake.
     - He does all of this for the glory of His name

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me;
     - I'm going to walk in deep darkness, it is GOING to happen,
       and evil will threaten to overtake me, but I will NOT be afraid
       because the God of the Universe is walking with me!

Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
     - Your discipline and guidance are boundaries that keep me safe and bring me comfort

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies
     - You are showing my enemies that You are my provision

You have anointed my head with oil; my cup overflows.
     - You lavish me with so much; protection, guidance, love

Surely goodness and lovingkindness will follow me all the days of my life,
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
     - My response of faith

All that to say, God's Word is so rich and alive and comforting. 

Day 15: Wisely Informed

I am a learner by nature. When faced with an unfamiliar task, job, problem, I do everything I can to educate myself about it.  I chalk this up to my analytical brain that likes to dissect things, reach the "aha" moment, and then move forward, armed with information.

I actually find it quite exhilarating to learn new things. 
Examples?

•  When I had a child in my ministry who was deaf and had only her parents to sign for her at church, I learned sign language so I could help her and her parents.
• When I taught first grade and wanted to make up songs to sing with my kids (I read that singing helps things stick in your long term memory banks better!), I learned how to play the guitar.
• When I became a Children's Pastor, I read and learned all I could about that, until eventually people started telling me that I should be writing books about Children's Ministry!

And now I am a mom of special needs kids.  When words like post traumatic stress disorder and proprioceptive input disorder and regressive attachment disorder and vestibular dysfunction get thrown at you,  (just to name a few) you have a couple of choices, as I see it.  You can either crawl back in bed, pull the blankets over your head and moan, or you can arm yourself with information, get a plan, and move forward!

I think the best way I can really help my babies heal is to learn how to help them.  So I read.  And I read.  And I talk to specialists.  And I listen to podcasts.  And I read some more.

And I will tell you this, I am ARMED with information right now as it relates to my girls and their disorders!

But I have also learned (the hard way, sadly) that I must balance my need to seek information with my need to seek God.  For some reason, I find it so much easier to "put on my thinking cap" than I do to sit at the feet of Jesus.  I'm so much like Martha of the Bible.  Always busy doing something, even if it's something good (like arming myself with information).

Of late, I have been so absorbed in learning about how to help our daughters, that I think I have forsaken the One who has the answers.

All that to say, information is important, but wisdom is priceless.  I cannot afford to simply be informed.

It Always Comes Back to Humility

I think that from now on, anytime anyone asks me what God is teaching me (through any set of circumstances or crises that I am experiencing) I will just answer, "humility." It just always seems to come back to that for me. I wonder if when Paul talked about the thorn in his flesh, he was talking about an actual physical pain (most would say yes, but for the purpose of this blog, I am going to hyperspiritualize for a moment), or was he talking about the sin that just always seemed to be taking a bite out of him?

For year, YEARS I have prayed and asked God to teach me to be humble. And boy has He taught me. Most recently with my broken arm and having to have people bathe and dress me, but He has taught me in other ways as well.

Right now I am reading a book called, "Discerning the Voice of God" and in the first chapter the writer talks about what we must do to hear the voice of God. One of the first things is having a desire to actually hear the voice of God. Then, recognizing that we need to hear the voice of God. I think that recognizing the need is where many people, well, at least I struggle. Recognizing that I need someone, anyone else, is sometimes difficult for me. Obviously a pride problem, and thus the need for humility, AGAIN.

The author proposes that perhaps if you are not hearing the voice of God it is because you don't really think you need to. Ouch. But I do need to hear the voice of God, and I do want to hear the voice of God, and I do long to hear the voice of God.

All that to say, "God, will you speak to me? Will you give me guidance and direction? Will you, if I sit still long enough and really listen, speak to me?