White Knuckles

One of my least favorite questions to be asked is, "What is God teaching you right now?" If I can't come up with an answer, I feel like they will think me unholy, non-pastoral-like, so I grasp at something that's near the surface and say that.

Unfortunately, the thing that God is usually teaching me isn't near the surface. It's usually pretty far down, and it takes something jarring, some crisis or near crisis event to unsettle it and make it rise to the top.

The last 5 months have been a jarring of a sort. I have ridden a rollercoaster, of my own choosing, and my body and mind have paid the admission price. I cannot sleep. I eat junk. My mind is incapable of holding on to more than just a tiny bit of information in its short term memory bank. I'm cranky. The list could go on.

But this morning, I felt something give way, not a dam of tears, no epic cryfest, it was more of this dawning realization that I am not in control. That try as I might, it is not intended for me to be in control, and the sooner I get that, the sooner I understand that, the more likely I am to finally sleep and to rest.

All that to say, my white-knuckled grip on life needs to loosen up. My fists are sore from being clenched. So for those of you who ask, my answer is this. "He is teaching me that I am not in control. That He's got it. Whatever "it" is. He has it."


  1. This lesson is going around. So true, so true. It is comforting to know I'm not in control if I can really grasp it. He loves us so much, but man its hard to learn the lessons. Love you girlfriend.

  2. Luther, asked by a catechism student, what God was doing in the ages before he created the world, replied that the Almighty was making switches to beat children who asked smart-ass questions. I always want to say something along those lines in response to the "What is God teaching you right now?" line. I'm uncertain why but I'm pretty sure it's because I'm not very spiritual.

    "I have ridden a rollercoaster, of my own choosing, and my body and mind have paid the admission price." That is a wonderful line - visual and vivid - and wonderfully honest. I think I've spent most of my psychic spare change on the bumper cars.


Thank you for reading. I look forward to hearing from you.