Day 70: What Really Matters

It's quiet in this little space I have carved out to be my home office.  Quiet is a rare commodity in our home these days.

I have one little twin off at Preschool, and her sister is in her room, finally sleeping after an excruciating 5 days of mouth pain.           


Babies should not have to endure that kind of pain, especially babies who have already endured so much.  (I guess technically  she's not a baby; she's a great big 4 year old, but she's our baby.)

Funny, just writing that out.  She's our baby.  Ours.

Some days, when I'm bogged down in the tornado of chaos that threatens to overtake my mind, I am reminded of the storm we lived in for over two years, and the beauty on the other side of that storm.

The adoption process is incredibly, incredibly hard.  And while our process was probably atypical in its origins, I doubt that the overall process was that different from most.

There were days when we lived with the threat that at any day their birth mom could come and take them away from us.  There were days when we were overwhelmed with paperwork and legal ease and court proceedings gone wrong. 

There were days when we wondered if we were doing the right thing, were the right parents, were too old, too set in our ways.  Would we have enough energy, enough time, enough love?

There were many long days and nights and weeks and months of trying to solve the psychological distress of our girls.

So many unanswered questions.  Truth is, there are still so many unanswered questions.

But the one thing that mattered all along . . . the one thing that matters today . . .

We were called to be their parents.  God created us for them.  Our hearts and lives are so deeply knit together that you would never know they were not born into our family. They are indeed, ours, in every conceivable way. 

It's easy to think these things when it's quiet.  And easy to forget them when life gets crazy. 

All that to say, a little quiet is good for the soul.  It helps you remember what's important.  It helps you remember what matters.  And what doesn't.

Photograph Courtesy of Chip Gillespie Photography
www.chipgillespie.com

Day 69: Ode to Candy Corn

 

 

 

I am a Candy Corn aficionado.  I blame my mother, much for the same reason I blame her for my love of Little Debbie's Oatmeal Creme Pies, or every other bite of comfort food that I have eaten in my lifetime. 

 

 

 

 

The woman was good at comfort food.  She could console just about any discomfort in life with something hot, greasy, sweet or fattening and make you believe that everything in life would be great from that point forward. 

It's a rare talent that woman has.

I almost want to call her right now and tell her to bring me a big ole picnic ham with some homemade potato salad.

But I digress.

This post is about my love for Candy Corn.

I have a friend, a new friend really, who shares my mad obsession with the corn.  And what I love about her is that she understands there are rules when it comes to candy corn.  You don't just go buying any brand, or any color, at any time of the year.

You wait until the fall.  And then you only buy Brach's.  If you buy another brand, you'll be sorry, and you'll end up being one of those dumb people that says things like, "I don't like candy corn."

Next, you give it the "squish" test in the store, through the bag.  (If it doesn't squish, you don't buy it.)

Then, and only then, do you buy it and eat it,

all,

in one sitting. 

This is guaranteed to make you sick of candy corn for at least two weeks, maybe longer if you're lucky, or a lightweight.  (This is an important step, because if you don't get sick of it right away, you're going to munch on it for the two months that it is available.)

Also, if you're a purist, you will only get the yellow, orange and white, because that's the only real candy corn.  Everything else is a poser.  A wanna be.  Don't be fooled.  You'll be disappointed.

And lastly, and this is really important, you must eat it in order.  I like to start at the bottom, eating the yellow layer first. Then the orange. Then the white.  I don't know why this matters, but it does.  (That could be my OCD, but I don't know for sure.)

My husband is aware of this obsession I have for candy corn.  He frowns upon it.  This has forced me to buy it and eat it in my car.  You just got a visual, didn't you?  It's sad, I know. 

Today, as I was loading the girls in the backseat of the car, I found a piece of an empty candy corn bag, most likely ripped off and tossed aside during an eating frenzy.  My heart raced at the sight of it, and I had two thoughts:

1.  Oh my gosh!  I hope no one saw that.
2.  How quickly can I unload these kids and go score a bag . . .  er, I mean, buy some?

It's not pretty.  I know.

All that to say, Candy Corn, I love you.  You're my guilty pleasure. 

Day 68: You Had Me At "Hey Baby"

Thirty one years ago today, I walked down the aisle of a tiny, sunlit country church on the arm of my daddy, heart pounding, hands shaking (literally to the point that my bouquet came apart!), waiting to marry the man of my dreams.

That's still such a pretty picture in my mind.  I love thinking about that day and all the promise that it held.

We I had such great plans.

We'd marry.  We'd have a baby boy 3 years into our marriage.  Then we'd have our second child, a girl, three years later.  We'd both be uber professionals.  Mike would most likely be a professor at LSU, tenured of course,  and I'd most likely be running some fortune 500 company.

We'd own a plantation style home and all our family celebrations would take place there.

We would amass a fortune pretty early on, and retire early.

I love thinking back to those days and how well planned everything was.  True to my nature, even back then I was a control freak!

But here is the blessing of the last 31 years of our marriage.  It has looked nothing like the picture in my mind. 

We have traversed some pretty turbulent waters and suffered much loss. We have lost a child, lost parents and grandparents, lost jobs, lost weight (gained it back!) lost our minds and lost our youth.

But oh what we have gained.

We did have two babies, both boys, and not at all in the time frame I thought. Those boys have been the greatest joy of our lives (I'm old . . . it's possible that I have forgotten the teenage years).

We have gained a daughter in law, whom we adore.  If God had let us handpick someone, we would have picked her.

We have gained our daughters, and they have changed our lives in immeasurable ways.

We have gained a deeper respect for one another. We have gained insight into each other's thoughts and reactions. We have gained a desire to grow closer to each other.  We have gained a love that surpasses time and circumstance.

All that to say, Mike Jones, you had me at "Hey baby."

Day 67: Changing Planes

Mike asked me to take a break from controversial topics for a while, which makes me laugh a little (not really, not at all) that a subject like losing my job and learning the lessons God wants me to learn is controversial, but I've kind of reached the "whatever" stage.

Technically, that's not true either.  I'm not at all at the "whatever" stage.

I totally vacillate between the

"This isn't a surprise to God" stage

and the

"What in the H-E-Double Toothpicks is happening right now?" stage.

When I'm in the God stage, I have a million thoughts that run through my head, all encouraging, all uplifting, challenging, but not in a way that makes me want to pull the covers over my head and never leave my house.

When I'm in the HEDOUBLETOOTHPICKS stage, I have a million thoughts that run through my head, none of which are good or for my good.  And they almost all end in some horrible set of circumstances.

When I'm in the God stage, I am at peace.  I feel assured that the future is in His hands, and I can easily trust in His incredible plan for my life and the life of my family.  I feel eternally grateful that He cares enough to refine me, purify me, mold me into the woman I will someday want my girls to be.  And none of that makes my blood pressure soar.

When I'm in the H.E.D.T. stage, I can't breathe.  I fear every conversation (or comment on this blog) is going to turn into some kind of rant.  I worry about what others think. I feel trapped, attacked, bewildered, confused.  I feel like I'm trapped in a tornado of chaos.

So, last night, I was in the NOT GOD stage, and reached out to a friend.   I told her all of the above and she spoke some incredibly life giving words to me and I wanted to share them with you.

She said, "Carol, I'm going to paint you a visual picture, because that's how your mind works. It's like you're on two different planes.  One plane is your spirit, and it's the part of you that's connected to God.  And the other plane is your flesh.  And that's the part of you that wants to be heard.  It's where the chaos is. And the noise from that plane demands to be heard. And you keep changing planes.  When you're on the plane that is your spirit, you can be rational, logical, calm, because you are trusting God and His plans for you.  When you're on the plane that is your flesh, you feel the fight, the chaos.  But you can control which plane you're on.  It's why God tells you to take your thoughts captive."

She said many other things, all of which were God-breathed, that caused me to breathe deeply of Truth.

All that to say, I reached out to her because she's the kind of friend that listens well, and then speaks Truth into you, and also refuses to allow you to wallow in your junk for very long.  Everyone needs a friend like that.  Very grateful for you today, my river friend.  And thankful for the change of planes.

Day 66: Working for The Man

Being self-employed is not easy.  If you have ever been self-employed, then you know what I mean.  Some days it is really just freaking hard, and the lure of going back to work for someone else is very attractive.

I was reading something this morning about self-employment and the dismal failure rate of small businesses. 

The person writing the article used the phrase "captive employment" when talking about working for someone else.  Gotta admit, that made me chuckle a bit.

So your options are captivity or probable failure.

Joy.

I've mentioned a couple of times that my husband, Mike, started his own company, Maximum Pest Management, a little over a year ago (yes, it's another shameless plug - get over it).  And I have to say, watching him navigate the waters from captivity to business owner has been difficult.

He's an expert in his field.  He has worked in this industry for over 30 years.  He even has a degree in Entomology.  He actually trains the staff of OTHER pest control companies.  (Yes, he's that good).

But even with that impressive list of credentials, he has to work his john brown hind parts off to succeed.  Every day he has to be the owner, sales team, service tech, bookkeeper (well, I'm sort of the bookkeeper, but I'm free, so he doesn't get much out of me!) as well as perform every other function of the company.  He's it.  He's the man.  (Which is a little funny if you think about it.  He works for himself and he STILL works for the man! HA! . . . It's late, I should not blog late at night . . .)

I asked him tonight if he liked owning his own company (we had our first ever "company meeting" . . . someone should probably being praying for him . . . or me . . . or both of us) and he said he did.  Phew!  That's good news!  I'd hate to think he's working this hard for something he doesn't like!

I'm proud of him for starting his own company.  It's outside his personality type.  He's not so much of a risk taker.  Unless of course you count marrying me.  That was certainly a risky move, but hey, here we are 31 years later, so sometimes risk taking pays off.

All that to say, I  just wanted to tell you I'm proud of you, Mike Jones.  And I know you're working hard.  And I also appreciate that my house is bug free.  (it's a bonus, but I appreciate it!)

Day 65: All Things Considered, I'd Rather Blog

I have been thinking about other blogs to start because I am trying to make a living by being a freelance writer (at least until God tells me otherwise!)  And one of the things I read was that you should have about 3-4 blogs that are "pointed interest" blogs, meaning someone is likely to search specifically for that topic. 

Some examples I thought of were: 

A Psalm a Day

Divorce by Pinterest

World's Worst Sermon Analogies

Jacob was quick to dismiss this one.  He said it was too negative, and I'd run out of ideas too quickly . . . he's probably right on both accounts.  But seriously, I heard one the other day about the benefits of God over alcohol.  The preacher said, "You'll never have to sleep off the benefits of God."

But yeah.  Probably not sustainable blog material.

My last idea was to blog about being a white family raising black children.  That was something I have actually googled before, and couldn't find much.  It's scary sometimes.  We don't want to harm them more than they have already been harmed in their lives.

And people say horrible things sometimes. 

Stupid things.

Things like, "Do you think they'll grow up to  resent you for not raising them in a black family?"

True story.

Or "Do you ever wonder if love really is enough?  You're cheating them out of their heritage."

Also true.  Actually said to me.

So I was googling to see if there were any blogs about this topic of White Families Raising Black Children but I didn't find any.  I did find this rant about white people not knowing how to take care of ethnic hair.  (I TOLD y'all that people judge you if you are not good with hair!) HA!

And then, yesterday, I was at Walmart, and there was this guy who was staring a hole through me.  I try not to ever jump to conclusions if people are staring.  There could be any number of reasons why people are staring.  The girls are twins. They are toddlers.  I'm old.  I'm white.  I try not to jump to conclusions.  Most of the time, the people are just trying to do the math.

But this guy, I could tell he was not going to be nice.  And sure enough, when I went to get a drink out of the cooler he whispered, "Why in the world would she even WANT to have two black children?"  I hate it when *!#! like that happens.  Because I really don't know how to respond.  Usually, I just ignore them.  (Which I did this time)

But it did make me think maybe that would be a good "pointed interest" blog.  Because people are ignorant sometimes.  And mean sometimes.  And sometimes I need some help.  And I'll bet other people out there need help too!

All that to say, I'm exploring options.  If you have any good blog ideas, let me know! 

Day 64: Risk

I received an email some days ago from a young woman who reads this blog.  I have her permission to post this letter.  I wanted to share it with you because her heart is so raw, so vulnerable.  As I read her letter, I could truly sense how desperately she needed Jesus.  And I think that's how He wants us to come to Him; wanting Him more than anything else, and being willing to reach out in total vulnerability to find Him; to have the deep loving relationship with Him that He wants to have with us.  I asked her if I could share her letter because the effect it had on me was profound.  It made me wonder what I would risk to draw closer to Jesus.

Here is her letter:

"So I know that this may be unexpected or out of the blue but I think that you are probably the best person that I can talk to right now. I normally don't do these types of things. I have been through so much in my life and have really sheltered myself off from the world so long that it's really hard for me to reach out to anyone even for the simplest things.   

I have a lot of trust issues and I am just really tired of the feelings of loneliness that I deal with.
I've had really great friends in my life and even family members that I have been close to,  but it seems as though disappointments in my life come in handfuls. My expectations of people are not really that high, I've had a lot of people come and go in my life and a lot of bad experiences.

But the one thing that I am really wanting is to better my relationship with God, and when it comes to that I feel completely lost. Now I truly believe that if I better my relationship with God that this just may be my key, to give me the confidence, the strength and the courage to dig myself out of the sheltered hole that I have dug myself into. I just don't know where to begin.

I was raised as a Catholic but it was never really an enforced religion. I was told very little about what the Church believed, and just learned by actions that I saw from other Catholics, I became accustomed to the belief in a lot of the Catholic beliefs. Of course I didn't really learn these customs from the Church it was all from what I was told and what I saw.

Now, that I have been trying to attend Church on a more regular basis, I know that I am Christian. When I walk into my Church, I feel the presence of something so beautiful and amazing and I just take it all in. The only problem is I don't know what to do to continue that into my everyday life. I don't know how to have an ongoing relationship with God and how to trust in him in all that I do. I don't know what to do to better what I already have and believe that one day I will see his plan for me and know what I need to do to be completely happy. I know there will always be tests of my strengths and character but I just need to know how I should prove that I am the person he wants me to be and learn about the person he wants me to be.

I know that this may be a lot or you may already have a lot on your plate with everything else, but for some reason I am drawn to you, your posts and your words, it's like I know that I can trust you and that your response will be completely honest and forthcoming in the entire message that you deliver."

 

My response to her doesn't matter (well, obviously it does matter, but not to the point of this post.)  Her letter made me want to love Jesus more.  She risked a lot in writing me, and even in allowing me to share this with you.  And I thought it might make you wonder what you would risk to be closer to Jesus too.

 

All that to say, I love how Jesus calls us to himself; sometimes through prayer, sometimes through His Word, and sometimes through the words of a sweet young woman who just wants to love Jesus more.