Day 72: A Psalm of Assurance

One morning, as I was driving to west Texas, I felt like God wanted me to pray the 23rd Psalm; but for the life of me, I couldn't get past, "The Lord is my Shepherd" (which is a little funny considering I was a Children's Pastor for a lot of years . . . it's sort of a staple in Children's Ministry!)

 

Anyway, as I was driving and lamenting the fact that I couldn't remember the 23rd Psalm, my friend, Becky, called me and prayed this Psalm over me.  It was so deeply meaningful to me in that moment that I sobbed as she read it over me.

I love the Psalms, so much so that each morning I read one. I have done this for most of my Christian life, probably because early on some other Christ-follower told me I should do so. One morning, as I was reading, I started writing what I understood that Psalm to mean. It's not a deep theological explanation; just what I felt God was saying to me on that day.

This morning, as I sat down to read my Psalm of the day, I read the 23rd Psalm and noticed these markings.

The Lord is my Shepherd
     - It's so personal.  He's my shepherd.  Not A shepherd, but MY shepherd.

I Shall not  want
     - It's so simple.  If I stopped here, it would be enough. 

He makes me lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside quiet waters.
     - There is tranquility, not confusion

He restores my soul;
     - He puts together the broken pieces of me.  I am restored.

He guides me in the paths of righteousness for His name's sake.
     - He does all of this for the glory of His name

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me;
     - I'm going to walk in deep darkness, it is GOING to happen,
       and evil will threaten to overtake me, but I will NOT be afraid
       because the God of the Universe is walking with me!

Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
     - Your discipline and guidance are boundaries that keep me safe and bring me comfort

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies
     - You are showing my enemies that You are my provision

You have anointed my head with oil; my cup overflows.
     - You lavish me with so much; protection, guidance, love

Surely goodness and lovingkindness will follow me all the days of my life,
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
     - My response of faith

All that to say, God's Word is so rich and alive and comforting. 

Day 70: What Really Matters

It's quiet in this little space I have carved out to be my home office.  Quiet is a rare commodity in our home these days.

I have one little twin off at Preschool, and her sister is in her room, finally sleeping after an excruciating 5 days of mouth pain.           


Babies should not have to endure that kind of pain, especially babies who have already endured so much.  (I guess technically  she's not a baby; she's a great big 4 year old, but she's our baby.)

Funny, just writing that out.  She's our baby.  Ours.

Some days, when I'm bogged down in the tornado of chaos that threatens to overtake my mind, I am reminded of the storm we lived in for over two years, and the beauty on the other side of that storm.

The adoption process is incredibly, incredibly hard.  And while our process was probably atypical in its origins, I doubt that the overall process was that different from most.

There were days when we lived with the threat that at any day their birth mom could come and take them away from us.  There were days when we were overwhelmed with paperwork and legal ease and court proceedings gone wrong. 

There were days when we wondered if we were doing the right thing, were the right parents, were too old, too set in our ways.  Would we have enough energy, enough time, enough love?

There were many long days and nights and weeks and months of trying to solve the psychological distress of our girls.

So many unanswered questions.  Truth is, there are still so many unanswered questions.

But the one thing that mattered all along . . . the one thing that matters today . . .

We were called to be their parents.  God created us for them.  Our hearts and lives are so deeply knit together that you would never know they were not born into our family. They are indeed, ours, in every conceivable way. 

It's easy to think these things when it's quiet.  And easy to forget them when life gets crazy. 

All that to say, a little quiet is good for the soul.  It helps you remember what's important.  It helps you remember what matters.  And what doesn't.

Photograph Courtesy of Chip Gillespie Photography
www.chipgillespie.com

Day 58: The Truth of My Reflection

My grandmother was a very wise woman, and I write about her often.  One of the things she said was, "you should be the kind of woman that if anyone ever said something bad about you, no one would believe them.'"  (That's a paraphrase, but something along those lines.)

Recently a friend of mine said something similar, and it reminded me of my grandmother.
I wonder what she'd be thinking these days.

I believe that I have lived a life that would say to people that I am a woman who loves Jesus, loves her family, loves her friends, and loves people.

But I also know this to be true.  I have not honored people with my words at times.  I have participated in gossip.  I have probably started gossip at times.  I have "vented" my anger, which in reality is often just another form of gossip. 

My list could probably go on.  Yours probably could as well.

And the way we conduct ourselves, the words we speak, the words I speak . . .

those things cause other people to formulate opinions about who we are.

And those opinions can be dangerously easy to believe.  Even if they are wrong.

This morning as I was spending time with the Lord, I wrote this in my journal:

"Lord, more than anything I want to care about truth.  It would be too easy, it IS too easy to care what others say about me.  But what I want to care about is truth.  Help me to see the things in me you want me to refine and let me easily discard all else that consumes my thoughts."

All that to say,  I do want others to see me as a woman who loves God and lives a life that reflects Him.  And the best way for that to happen, is for me to look to Him for how I'm doing.

Acid Dump

I know that's a weird title. And for those of my friends with juvenile 7th grade minds, it has nothing to do with the bathroom! Acid dump is what I call a level of stress where all of a sudden, it's like a flip got switched and acid is literally dumped into your stomach. Suddenly, this "Oh my gosh my gut hurts" feeling comes over you. It is a physical pain in your gut that is related to stress of some sort. If you've ever overdrawn your checking account and you realize you wrote 12 checks the day before and they are all going to hit your bank at once and you're going to get charged $30 for every check, then you probably understand acid dump.

I don't really have a good reason for mine. I have a stressful job, but I'm not stressed out by it. My life is in a bit of disarray, but i'm not stressed out by it. Everyone is healthy (I'm still broken, but healing nicely). We can afford the things in life we need and even many things that we just want. My marriage is healthy. My kids are becoming awesome adults. Nothing really to feel stressed about. And yet, three times today it has happened. Acid Dump. Once was when I was thinking strategically about the future of this ministry God has called me to. Acid Dump. Once was when I got a phone call at 11:30 telling me what I had to have for a meeting at 2:00. Acid Dump. Three was when I got a phone call from someone I used to know in a former life, and would like to never hear from that person again. Acid Dump.

And here is what is weird. My times with God lately have been so good. So you'd think that would help me manage whatever is stressing me and causing Acid Dump. But as I think about even that, I heard this pastor say yesterday, that if you examine the life of Christ, He had these rich incredible times with God that were followed by times in the desert, feeling alone, being tempted, etc. Times that I think He would have had acid dump from. Except, except that He was always connected to the Father.

Al that to say, perhaps what I am feeling isn't stress caused by any one stressor, it is my time with God that is lacking. My pastor always says, "Prayer is the real work." I need to get to work.

The Rhythm of Relationships

This morning, I was walking down the hallway of the hotel where I am staying in South Carolina with my husband. I had just finished my delicious free "hot" breakfast, which consisted of hot coffee and a self-made waffle. I wish I'd had more restraint and went for the oatmeal, but those waffles just looked so good. They weren't, but they looked it.

Anyway, as I was walking back to my room, I was thinking that I couldn't wait to get back to my room and get alone with God. That made me start thinking (following my train of thought is sometimes difficult for even me . . . you know you start thinking about one thing and then wonder how you got from there to how shoelaces were made?) Anyway, as I started thinking about my alone time, I thought about what my Pastor, Jeff Wells, said about having a regular time with and desiring to be alone with God. He says that every person has a different "thumbprint" of their time alone with God. That when we find our thumbprint, we will know it because it "fits"us and we can't imagine missing it.

I agree with that, though I don't know that I would have put it that way. So I started thinking that the "thumbprint" is probably what I would call the rhythm of the relationship. Every relationship has it's own rhythm. And once you find that rhythm, it is great. For example, Mike and I, when we live together, have a rhythm that we have settled into in our "empty nest" stage. We get home from work. Whoever gets home first starts dinner. (You'd think I would strategically let him get home first, but I don't.) Then we eat dinner together (usually in front of the TV, though I have tried for years to change that, but that just usually ended up with me at the table alone.) After that, we just snuggle up together and watch tv for hours. Sounds boring, I know, but it's a "reconnect" for us. Not a lot of words are spoken, but that's okay. It works for us. After enough time on the couch, the words typically find their way as well. When we are separated for any time at all, our "routine" or "rhythm" helps us find our way back into the comfort zone. If we have an argument, the concession and reconciliation usually happens on that same couch. It's our rhythm.

Every relationship, regardless of the type, has a rhythm. I had lunch with some girlfriends in Georgia on Monday. A relationship with a rhythm of which Moe's is a regular part. I have a friend in Texas with whom seeing a movie together is part of the rhythm. With my sons, the rhythm is different with each one. From the breakfast room to my hotel room, I mentally went through a lot of relationships I have with people and thought about the rhythm I have in each of those relationships.

All that to say, I am glad that my hotel room was so far away from that waffle. It gave me a lot of time to reflect on people I love, and people I need to love better.