I have been told that I am a good coach by the people that work for me (coach is the term we use for the people who are our direct reports). I think what makes me good is that I see people's strengths and weaknesses and work to help them maximize what they are good at, while minimizing those areas where they are not strong. In addition, I help them to understand why their strengths can cause them to be less tolerant of other's weaknesses and vice-versa)
I did not make up this method of coaching. It's quite famous actually. But it's one I find works incredibly well.
I was thinking about that last night in relation to two things in my own life, marriage and parenting.
Mike and I, like most married couples, argue about ridiculous things. Shoes, dishes, dinner, laundry, money, checkbooks (yes, we still use one) bedtimes, playing with toddlers, tv selections, expectations, sex, and on and on and on.
I got seriously frustrated with him yesterday as the girls were playing in the pool outside and he was "supervising" them to death. "Don't splash. Don't go near the bushes. Don't, don't, don't . . ."
When I asked him why he was upset with Shannay, he said, "She won't mind me."
Well, that part was true, and I totally agreed that she should obey him, I just was trying to "gently" (HA!) encourage him to adjust his expectations for HOW they should play. (Seriously, we were arguing because he didn't want them to splash the water out onto the grass and I thought that was dumb.)
Anyway, later, as in 3 a.m. later, when he was getting up with Shannay who was having a bad dream and Nikki who was banging her head, I thought to myself, "He is so incredibly good with them in the middle of the night, and I seriously am not."
We have long known that I am not good in the middle of the night, and he is. He was good in the middle of the night with the boys too. It's a strength. And then it hit me. It's his strength! Why can't I just be grateful that it is his strength and let him operate in it! And why can't I be grateful that having reasonable expectations of how 3 year olds play is mine? And then let's just both operate in our strengths, instead of focusing so damn much on our weaknesses all the time!
And then I thought about the million other things we argue about, and they are almost all centered around strengths and weaknesses. Imagine if I just turned my magnifying glass toward his strengths and quit magnifying his weaknesses?
All that to say, perspective is everything.
Day 38: Special
I have special needs children. That is a reality that I long ago accepted. Before the age of two they had suffered abuse and atrocities that no child adult should ever have to endure . . . in a lifetime. Abuse and atrocities that caused a hard-wiring malfunction in their rapidly forming brains.
There is much written about the importance of early life experiences and the impact on the young human brain. The simple version is that an INCREDIBLE amount of wiring is taking place in a human brain during its first year of life. Lots of something called "assimilation and accommodation." And this wiring determines how a person will respond to life, for their entire life.
For them, short of God's divine miraculous intervention, they will respond to life differently than a baby who received nothing but loving, nurturing care.
Their needs were not met. They did not experience unconditional love. They were not fed when they were hungry. They were not held when they were frightened or hurting. They were not cleaned when they were dirty. They did not receive the most basic of care. They were not talked to. They were not given a warm place to sleep. They were not protected. The list could go on and on and on.
So they have special needs.
On most days, you would not know that they have special needs. They are happy, easy-going, carefree little toddlers.
But on some days, that is not so. Some days are hard. Some days are very, very hard.
And on those days, the reason for my calling to be their mommy is clear.
My calling is to love them. To hold them. To nurture them. To look beyond their actions and see their hearts, to know their story and to fiercely love them beyond it.
All that to say, yes, they are special. Special beyond words. Special beyond wiring.
There is much written about the importance of early life experiences and the impact on the young human brain. The simple version is that an INCREDIBLE amount of wiring is taking place in a human brain during its first year of life. Lots of something called "assimilation and accommodation." And this wiring determines how a person will respond to life, for their entire life.
For them, short of God's divine miraculous intervention, they will respond to life differently than a baby who received nothing but loving, nurturing care.
Their needs were not met. They did not experience unconditional love. They were not fed when they were hungry. They were not held when they were frightened or hurting. They were not cleaned when they were dirty. They did not receive the most basic of care. They were not talked to. They were not given a warm place to sleep. They were not protected. The list could go on and on and on.
So they have special needs.
On most days, you would not know that they have special needs. They are happy, easy-going, carefree little toddlers.
But on some days, that is not so. Some days are hard. Some days are very, very hard.
And on those days, the reason for my calling to be their mommy is clear.
My calling is to love them. To hold them. To nurture them. To look beyond their actions and see their hearts, to know their story and to fiercely love them beyond it.
All that to say, yes, they are special. Special beyond words. Special beyond wiring.
Day 37: A Big Fat Raspberry
I saw an article on facebook today that said, "Raspberry Pills Melt Fat."
Seriously, if I believed for one second that I could take a pill either made out of raspberries or in the shape of raspberries or just raspberry colored and it would melt my fat, I would do it in a heartbeat, while wearing a raspberry beret just for good measure.
But really, who believes this stuff?
I am actually amazed by the crazy things people buy into out of desperation to lose weight.
I mean, not that "I" would ever buy into anything crazy to lose weight. I wouldn't. I wouldn't buy into the notion that if I ate nothing but bacon and eggs for breakfast every day that the pounds would just melt off. Because that's not "logical." Right?
I would never drink grapefruit juice by the gallons before every meal.
I would never drink a concoction made of lemonade and weird spices, followed by a saltwater chaser, thereby cleansing my body of all unwanted toxins which were causing me to store pounds and pounds of fat.
I would never do crazy stuff like that.
I mean, why do people try a million stupid ways to lose their weight, their body fat, their cellulite, their muffin tops, etc. when all they have to do is eat a little better and move a little more? All they have to do is live sensible, non-gluttonous lifestyles and slowly, over time, those pounds will just melt away (without Raspberry pills!)
Why? I'll tell you why! Because people don't want sensible. People want instant gratification! I mean, er . . . most people . . . other people. . . abnormal people.
Certainly not me.
All that to say, I do kind of wonder though, do raspberry pills make your fat melt away? hmmmmmm
Seriously, if I believed for one second that I could take a pill either made out of raspberries or in the shape of raspberries or just raspberry colored and it would melt my fat, I would do it in a heartbeat, while wearing a raspberry beret just for good measure.
But really, who believes this stuff?
I am actually amazed by the crazy things people buy into out of desperation to lose weight.
I mean, not that "I" would ever buy into anything crazy to lose weight. I wouldn't. I wouldn't buy into the notion that if I ate nothing but bacon and eggs for breakfast every day that the pounds would just melt off. Because that's not "logical." Right?
I would never drink grapefruit juice by the gallons before every meal.
I would never drink a concoction made of lemonade and weird spices, followed by a saltwater chaser, thereby cleansing my body of all unwanted toxins which were causing me to store pounds and pounds of fat.
I would never do crazy stuff like that.
I mean, why do people try a million stupid ways to lose their weight, their body fat, their cellulite, their muffin tops, etc. when all they have to do is eat a little better and move a little more? All they have to do is live sensible, non-gluttonous lifestyles and slowly, over time, those pounds will just melt away (without Raspberry pills!)
Why? I'll tell you why! Because people don't want sensible. People want instant gratification! I mean, er . . . most people . . . other people. . . abnormal people.
Certainly not me.
All that to say, I do kind of wonder though, do raspberry pills make your fat melt away? hmmmmmm
Day 36: Life Requires An Editorial Process
ed·it/ˈedit/ Verb - To correct, condense, arrange or otherwise modify for use
I've been looking through a lot of photographers' work recently, (one facebook click leads you to another one, which leads you to another one, which leads you to another one . . . you know how it happens!)
Anyway.
I've been looking through a lot of photographers' work recently, and I have discovered something important. What separates the good photographers from the great ones is their ability to edit. So many have incredibly good photographs, but their ability to edit is so poor that it almost ruins the photo altogether.
The point of a great photograph (in my non-professional photographic opinion) should be that it draws us into the moment. It creates in us an ability to become a part of the moment. The sights, the sounds, the scents, the emotions. We, the observers, become accutely focused on what is important, central, the POINT of the photograph, so much so that it is as if we were behind the lens ourselves.
However in the poorly edited photographs, I observed the following three commonalities:
Photographs are often overblurred which seems forced and makes what should be the focal point of the photo a crisp and clear afterthought. The eye is drawn more to what is blurred than what is left in focus.
Photographers "brands" sometimes become so distracting that I am left wondering if they or their subjects are the point of the photo.
Sometimes photos are so "creative" that it's hard to determine exactly what the photographer is saying at all. Creativity for creativity's sake is not creative. It's almost the opposite of creative. Often, incredibly beautiful moments are stolen by the need to make it "special." Sometimes the moment is special all on its own.
(There are MANY more observations I could make, but these seemed the most glaring!)
I believe these observations about photography apply to life in general.
The ability to blur the unimportant things in life is critical. But far too often I become so obsessed with the things I am trying to ignore, that I lose sight of the things that are the most important.
Just like a photographer's brand, when I, Me, Mine, becomes more important than anything else, I lose sight of pretty much everything else.
And lastly, incredibly beautiful moments are often stolen or ruined altogether by my need to try to make them special. Sometimes the moments are, indeed, special all on their own. The more I manipulate, adjust, worry over the moment, the less special it becomes.
Our ability to edit is key to turning good moments into great ones. We must be able to ignore what isn't important, to keep our pride in check, and sometimes to just breathe in the moments of life that are breathtakenly beautiful on their own.
All that to say, life, like photography, requires an editorial process. Just edit with caution.
Day 35: Blessings of Great Worth
This morning was our Dedication Ceremony. Miraculously we made it to church with the girls still clean and pretty in their white princess dresses! (although Nikki did stop at one point to look for bugs in the pine bark mulch! I almost had a stroke! She also pulled the roses off of her headband TWICE, and I had to hot glue them TWICE!)
We joined 6 other families on stage and waited as one by one each parent prayed a blessing over their children. The girls were so good while they waited.
Finally it was our turn. The Pastor introduced our family and introduced the girls. It was the first time we heard them called "Jones" publicly. That made me tear up a little.
After Mike read his blessing over them, first Shannay and then Nikki took turns saying something into the microphone. It made me nervous. You never know what a toddler might say!
Finally, our church prayed a blessing of dedication over all the families!
I know the girls have no idea what is happening! They are just happy that we are happy!
We greatly missed Jacob though. We each said at different times that we wished Jacob was there. He lives 3 hours away, and sometimes that really stinks. Probably for him too!
Here is the blessing we wrote:
Nikki and Shannay,
In Isaiah 45:3 God says
“I will give you riches hidden in the darkness and things of great worth that
are hidden in secret places,” and you, our daughters, are the fulfillment of that
promise. May God continually watch over you and protect you, drawing you closer to Him daily, that you would know Him and love Him deeply throughout your lives.
We pray you will always know that He chose you to be ours because you are of the utmost value to Him. And He chose us to be yours because no one else will love you as fiercely as we do.
You are our riches of great worth.
All that to say, we are blessed.
Day 34: Let's Get Real
Facebook is fake. In case you don't know this, I am going to state it plainly. Facebook is fake.
People portray their real lives in fake ways that make everyone else wish their lives were as perfect as the people's on facebook. I know people whose lives are in terrible, torturous disarray, and yet their posts on facebook would lead you to believe their lives are perfect. Their kids are perfect. Their marriages are perfect. Their spiritual lives are perfect. Their jobs are perfect. Their friendships are perfect. Or that they are perfect. Perfect wives, perfect husbands, perfect kids . . .
The danger in that should be obvious. First of all, it's a lie. And lies are the foothold of the enemy. Secondly, if you are really in need of help, no one would ever know it. So then when no one reaches out to you, you feel lost, alone, helpless, hopeless . . . the list could go on.
Plus, your "perfect life" might also cause someone else to feel like they're the only ones with imperfect lives, keeping them from ever reaching out to anyone else.
Facebook is fake. And at times, we all live the fake facebook life. All of us.
Facebook allows us to live in a fake reality where anything and everything is acceptable.
People air out their private discontent in a very public format. They bash their families, their friends, their churches, their worship leaders, their spouses, their kids, the clerk at the grocery store . . . no one is exempt from the facebook rant.
This is basically the equivalent of walking into the lobby of your child's school, where you superficially sort of know a lot of people, and you just start ranting about something that has nothing to do with most of the people who are listening.
You would never do that. And yet we do it regularly on facebook.
And I think that we who call ourselves Christians should most assuredly know better. It makes us look bad, and it casts an ugly shadow on the One we are called to glorify.
The original idea behind facebook was to make fun of people. In case you didn't know that, it's true. Facebook was intended in a mean-spirited way. Does that mean that it cannot be used for good? Of course not. It absolutely can be and is used for good purposes on a regular basis.
How we use it is totally up to us. We are called to be real, authentic people. With real problems, real emotions, real lives. Facebook does not give us a license to air out our hurts, problems, emotions, and realities for the world to see. But it also should not be a place where we pretend these things do not exist.
All that to say, facebook is fake. But we are called to be real. Let's be real, in a real healthy way.
.
People portray their real lives in fake ways that make everyone else wish their lives were as perfect as the people's on facebook. I know people whose lives are in terrible, torturous disarray, and yet their posts on facebook would lead you to believe their lives are perfect. Their kids are perfect. Their marriages are perfect. Their spiritual lives are perfect. Their jobs are perfect. Their friendships are perfect. Or that they are perfect. Perfect wives, perfect husbands, perfect kids . . .
The danger in that should be obvious. First of all, it's a lie. And lies are the foothold of the enemy. Secondly, if you are really in need of help, no one would ever know it. So then when no one reaches out to you, you feel lost, alone, helpless, hopeless . . . the list could go on.
Plus, your "perfect life" might also cause someone else to feel like they're the only ones with imperfect lives, keeping them from ever reaching out to anyone else.
Facebook is fake. And at times, we all live the fake facebook life. All of us.
Facebook allows us to live in a fake reality where anything and everything is acceptable.
People air out their private discontent in a very public format. They bash their families, their friends, their churches, their worship leaders, their spouses, their kids, the clerk at the grocery store . . . no one is exempt from the facebook rant.
This is basically the equivalent of walking into the lobby of your child's school, where you superficially sort of know a lot of people, and you just start ranting about something that has nothing to do with most of the people who are listening.
You would never do that. And yet we do it regularly on facebook.
And I think that we who call ourselves Christians should most assuredly know better. It makes us look bad, and it casts an ugly shadow on the One we are called to glorify.
The original idea behind facebook was to make fun of people. In case you didn't know that, it's true. Facebook was intended in a mean-spirited way. Does that mean that it cannot be used for good? Of course not. It absolutely can be and is used for good purposes on a regular basis.
How we use it is totally up to us. We are called to be real, authentic people. With real problems, real emotions, real lives. Facebook does not give us a license to air out our hurts, problems, emotions, and realities for the world to see. But it also should not be a place where we pretend these things do not exist.
All that to say, facebook is fake. But we are called to be real. Let's be real, in a real healthy way.
.
Day 33: Adoption Day
Their adoption day was originally scheduled for June 11th, but as is often the case with the government and the legal system, things don't turn out the way you plan or want.
We had originally invited a lot of people to be there for their adoption day, but then all of the sudden, paperwork errors caused us to have to postpone the adoption. So when they told us that we could "try" for the 15th, but they weren't sure it would happen then either, it just seemed too uncertain to ask people to drive all the way downtown for ANOTHER false alarm.
So on Friday, June 15th, we got up at the crack of dawn (why do babies always come at the crack of dawn?) picked up Zack at his apartment (and wedged his 6 foot 2 inch frame in between the car seats in the back seat of our Trailblazer) and headed for the courthouse in downtown Houston.
Of course, in true Houston fashion there was a terrible wreck on the interstate which caused me to panic about being late, but Mike and Zack navigated those back roads like rock stars and got us there on time.
On the way there, we kept talking to the girls telling them we were on our way to adopt them. Shannay said, "Will I get a shot?" I laughed and said, "Not A DOCTOR baby, adopted!" Once reassured that she was not going to get a shot, she seemed pretty excited, though I am sure she was clueless as to enormity of the day.
I felt so nervous. My hands were sweaty. Mike paced the hallways. Zack and the girls chilled out on a bench watching a movie (I'm sure Zack was nervous too, he just didn't show it!)
Finally, our case was called. We handled all the yucky details and then the judge said, "Now let's do the fun part! Let's get those babies in here!"
The second I saw Zack appear at the courtroom door with them I started crying (and I still had testifying to do!) I answered all of the remaining questions with a squeaky tear-strained "yes."
Nikki kept kissing my eyes and saying, "Mommy, your eyes have water."
And finally, it was over. The judge said something, I don't remember what. I just remember feeling incredibly overwhelmed in a great way. It was done. They were ours.
All that to say, oddly enough, I felt exactly the way I felt after giving birth. Tired. Happy. Emotional. Speechless.
We had originally invited a lot of people to be there for their adoption day, but then all of the sudden, paperwork errors caused us to have to postpone the adoption. So when they told us that we could "try" for the 15th, but they weren't sure it would happen then either, it just seemed too uncertain to ask people to drive all the way downtown for ANOTHER false alarm.
So on Friday, June 15th, we got up at the crack of dawn (why do babies always come at the crack of dawn?) picked up Zack at his apartment (and wedged his 6 foot 2 inch frame in between the car seats in the back seat of our Trailblazer) and headed for the courthouse in downtown Houston.
Of course, in true Houston fashion there was a terrible wreck on the interstate which caused me to panic about being late, but Mike and Zack navigated those back roads like rock stars and got us there on time.
On the way there, we kept talking to the girls telling them we were on our way to adopt them. Shannay said, "Will I get a shot?" I laughed and said, "Not A DOCTOR baby, adopted!" Once reassured that she was not going to get a shot, she seemed pretty excited, though I am sure she was clueless as to enormity of the day.
I felt so nervous. My hands were sweaty. Mike paced the hallways. Zack and the girls chilled out on a bench watching a movie (I'm sure Zack was nervous too, he just didn't show it!)
Finally, our case was called. We handled all the yucky details and then the judge said, "Now let's do the fun part! Let's get those babies in here!"
The second I saw Zack appear at the courtroom door with them I started crying (and I still had testifying to do!) I answered all of the remaining questions with a squeaky tear-strained "yes."
Nikki kept kissing my eyes and saying, "Mommy, your eyes have water."
And finally, it was over. The judge said something, I don't remember what. I just remember feeling incredibly overwhelmed in a great way. It was done. They were ours.
All that to say, oddly enough, I felt exactly the way I felt after giving birth. Tired. Happy. Emotional. Speechless.
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