When Friendship Seems Elusive

I was talking with a friend the other day about close personal relationships, especially close personal friendships.  Her struggle was that no matter how she tried, she just couldn't seem to connect with someone in a way that didn't end up a mess, or complicated, or frustrating on some level.


She said, "It's almost like God doesn't want me to have a close friend."

I swallowed hard at that sentence because I totally understand what she was saying, and yet, at the same time, it seemed counter intuitive to what I know about God.  I mean, He created us for community, right?

Her struggle is not unlike mine and many other women I know.  We are very emotional beings.  We need close friendships.  As Dr. Christina Yang would say on Grey's Anatomy (don't even think about judging me right now) "We all need our person."  We need that someone that we can go to with anything; someone who can look beyond what is seen, into the deepest darkest places, the places where we hide our secrets, our wounds, our desires, our dreams.  Someone that we can trust to see those things and not run away in horror. And even more importantly, someone who won't betray us when we become fully transparent with them.

For me, for her, for many, we find that we so desperately need a human being to share those things with, that we forget God's role in our life.  HE is that person for us.  His Word tells us, I will never leave you nor forsake you.

I have spent a lifetime trying to find a friend, a best friend, my person.  And I have been very blessed to have some incredible friendships in my life.  But here is the funny thing about those friendships.  Every single one of my close friends lives far away from me.  Every. Single. One.  Surely that cannot be a coincidence, right?

Here is what God has taught me about my friendships lately (just being really raw right now):

Lesson one is that I have a husband who would love to be my person, the person I share my hurts and hopes with.  And lesson two is that I have the personality type that would likely abandon having a close personal relationship with God if I had someone on earth to take His place.  That was difficult for me to grasp, but I recognize the truth of it.

My sweet friend and mentor of 15+ years told me once that she had struggled her lifetime to have a close personal friend. She believed God didn't want her to have that person here on earth because it would be a distraction for her.  I remember thinking, "You are the most godly woman I know.  How in the world could ANYTHING be a distraction for you?!"

And I'm not saying that I'm some super godly woman and that's why God doesn't want me to have a close friend. (In case you were about to make that correlation)  I'm saying, it comforts me to think back to that conversation because it tells me that God isn't being some ego maniacal Creator that doesn't want me to have friends.  It's comforting because it tells me He knows me.  He knows what I need, and He knows what would be dangerous for me.

All that to say, I'm kind of all over the place today. But what I'm trying to say, if I'm not saying it well, is this.  God loves you.  He knows you.  He knows what you need, and what you can't handle.  And He loves you enough to show you both.

What is God teaching you about your friendships?

All That to Say: Enduring Treasures

When I say the word "friend" I wonder what comes to your mind.  According to facebook, I have over 700 friends, but of course we know that's not true.  No one has 700 friends.  Some of those "friends" are people I don't actually even know.  That's true, and a little bit scary.

Many of these "friends" are acquaintances.  People I sort of know, or with whom I have some mutual interest, like church or work or a social group, etc.

I think you can have different kinds of friends.  I've blogged about that many times. 

You can have casual friends.  People you really do consider a friend, but with whom you only hang out casually.  No real depth there, but still someone you'd call "friend."

You can have mutual interest friends.  People maybe that you work with or run with or go to church with, but you have no real contact outside of these places.  It doesn't mean you don't care about these people, it's just that you don't connect beyond this mutual interest.

You can even have virtual friends.  I have actually developed some great friendships with people that started as virtual friends.

But the most life giving of all friendships are enduring ones.  Enduring friendships are the kind that go deep enough to pierce the protective barrier of trust.  They are the people that you let "in." 

These enduring friendships live out the test of time and distance and circumstance.  They outlast disagreements and hurt feelings.  They are patient.  They keep no record of wrong.  They are forgiving.  They are honest.  They speak truth into your life.  They challenge you and call you to be the very best you that you can be.

Of course, there is a risk in these friendships.  Sometimes these friends hurt you deeply, because they get close enough to your heart to be able to hurt you.  And sometimes they turn out not to be friends at all.  But you're never going to find true enduring friends without this risk.

I count myself lucky to have a few of these friends.  Friends who wade into my junk, dive deep into my heart, aren't afraid to tell me what I need to hear, and love me despite my idiosyncrasies, my scars, and flaws.

All that to say, friendships are a gift.  They are to be treasured.  I treasure each of you, my enduring friends.