"Some days are diamonds. Some days are stones. Some times the hard times won't leave me alone."
If you're old enough to recognize these lyrics, you'll know they are from a song written by storyteller and songwriter, John Denver.
And for some reason, I woke up today with this song in my head.
I find that each day I awaken is a crapshoot in terms of my emotions. I've been encouraged that this is normal. That I'm a mere five months away from a life-changing event in my life. That I should cut myself some slack.
But I'm a "pick-yourself-up-by-the-bootstraps-and-get-on-with-it" kind of girl. So I'm not so good in the "cutting myself some slack" department.
I woke up this morning, early, not by choice, but decided to use the time to sit quietly before the Lord.
He was silent.
Or maybe I wasn't.
It's most likely the latter than the former.
I awakened with a heavy heart for no particular reason. Perhaps I dreamed dreams that bore a weight only my spirit perceived. Even His Word, normally quite comforting, seemed like print on a page. And though it said, "the joy comes with the morning," I felt no sense of that; only a deep longing for the truth of it.
Then my morning beckoned me (and by "my morning" I mean two singing four year olds who had awakened at 4:30a.m. and never fully gone back to sleep), so I closed my Bible, sighed heavily, and headed upstairs to quieten the "morning" before it awakened my husband who worked most of the night.
I confess, I was quite frustrated as I walked up the stairs to their room. Was there no peace to be found this morning? And then I opened their door.
And the whitest eyes grinned at me in the darkness. And the sweetest voices said, "Good Morning, Mommy."
All that to say, funny thing about the Lord. Sometimes he uses what we see in the darkness to bring light to our troubled minds. I love that about him. He's a "teachable moment" kind of guy.
"And though the sorrows will last for the night, His joy comes in the morning." - Psalm 30:5
Showing posts with label Jesus. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jesus. Show all posts
We Cannot Choose Fear
My favorite time of day is bedtime. Bedtime at my house has always been relatively easy. Our girls don't get out of bed, not even once. No requests for a drink. No excuses that they need to go to the bathroom. They just go to bed and go to sleep.
Not only that, they go to bed at 7:00 p.m. and sleep until 7:00 a.m.
It really is bliss. (Minus of course Nikki's head banging that sounds like someone is building furniture, but even that is getting better little by little, and we are assured that someday she will outgrow it.)
They would get in their beds and lie down and go to sleep if that's what we wanted, but they always request me to rock them to sleep. Whenever possible, which is most every night, I do, in fact, rock them to sleep.
On the nights that I don't rock them, they don't sleep well. They toss and turn. They have bad dreams. Nikki bangs her head particularly hard.
And on the nights that I do rock them, they crawl up into my lap, wiggle themselves into a little ball, snuggle under their blanket and melt into my arms, and fall fast asleep.
It is one of the best moments of our day.
There is something incredibly comforting about crawling up into the lap of the person in your life that provides you comfort, security, unconditional love.
It's how I feel about Jesus. And some days, I don't know what else to do but to crawl up into his lap and melt into his arms.
Putting my kids on a school bus, thinking about their safety all day, thinking about the parents whose children went off to school one day and never came home again. It's too much.
All that to say, I have long since learned that we cannot protect our children from all this world can do to them. And I have long since learned not to live in fear of those things. We simply cannot choose fear and all that it will drive us to do.
I have learned to pray and trust God. And sometimes, when I am overwhelmed by life, I crawl up into His lap and sleep.
Not only that, they go to bed at 7:00 p.m. and sleep until 7:00 a.m.
It really is bliss. (Minus of course Nikki's head banging that sounds like someone is building furniture, but even that is getting better little by little, and we are assured that someday she will outgrow it.)
They would get in their beds and lie down and go to sleep if that's what we wanted, but they always request me to rock them to sleep. Whenever possible, which is most every night, I do, in fact, rock them to sleep.
On the nights that I don't rock them, they don't sleep well. They toss and turn. They have bad dreams. Nikki bangs her head particularly hard.
And on the nights that I do rock them, they crawl up into my lap, wiggle themselves into a little ball, snuggle under their blanket and melt into my arms, and fall fast asleep.
It is one of the best moments of our day.
There is something incredibly comforting about crawling up into the lap of the person in your life that provides you comfort, security, unconditional love.
It's how I feel about Jesus. And some days, I don't know what else to do but to crawl up into his lap and melt into his arms.
Putting my kids on a school bus, thinking about their safety all day, thinking about the parents whose children went off to school one day and never came home again. It's too much.
All that to say, I have long since learned that we cannot protect our children from all this world can do to them. And I have long since learned not to live in fear of those things. We simply cannot choose fear and all that it will drive us to do.
I have learned to pray and trust God. And sometimes, when I am overwhelmed by life, I crawl up into His lap and sleep.
What Else is There to Do?
I haven't blogged about this in a while. Honestly, because I was gun shy from some hate-filled responses I got. But the purpose of this blog is to live my life out loud, in a real, transparent, and authentic way that hopefully connects with you, helps you, challenges you, makes you laugh or shake your head.
I lost my job in August. And by "lost it" I mean I was let go, fired, canned, dismissed. I don't want or need to make it prettier or uglier than it is. It's just a harsh reality.
I would disclose the reasons to you, but in all honesty, I don't fully know or understand the reasons, nor is this about the reasons. I'm not trying to say someone is or isn't to blame. I'm not trying to say I am or am not to blame.
That's not the point of this post.
The point is that though I am 3 months down the road, doing something I LOVE to do, making more money than I ever thought possible working part-time from home (and Starbucks . . . and McDonald's . . . they have free wi-fi, aren't crowded and their coffee is cheaper!) Anyway, I digress. I LOVE what I am doing, making great money doing it, am home with the girls except for 2.5 hours, 2 mornings a week. Even though my outside circumstances are not remotely bleak . . .
I still struggle. I have days that the grief and loss that I feel wash over me like a tidal wave. I struggle to speak, to interact in a decent way with my family, to function.
I miss little things and big things. I miss my work. It was life-giving. I miss helping people get connected to their calling, to community.
I miss prayer days.
I miss interacting with my co-workers that I have done life with, some for 5 years.
I miss the security guards. They're such great people and have taught me so much about how the world perceives Christians.
From what I understand, these feelings of loss and grief are normal, and I can expect them to be like this for a long, long time.
So what do I do with these grief waves that threaten to tow me under on some days?
There is only one thing I can do. I run to Jesus. I run to His Word.
Proverbs 12:25 says, "Anxiety in a man's heart weighs it down, but a good word makes it glad." I find the most incredible comfort in the Word, the Bible. God's holy and spoken word to us. It speaks peace and comfort over me and gives my soul rest.
All that to say, I find comfort today in this from Psalm 33, "By the word of the Lord the heavens were made, and by the breath of His mouth all their host. He lays up the deeps in storehouses. Let all the earth fear the Lord; Let all the inhabitants of the world stand in awe of Him. For He spoke, and it was done. He commanded, and it stood fast." God's got it. And even if I don't understand, he's still in control. Totally in control. And I can trust this He is for me and for my good.
I lost my job in August. And by "lost it" I mean I was let go, fired, canned, dismissed. I don't want or need to make it prettier or uglier than it is. It's just a harsh reality.
I would disclose the reasons to you, but in all honesty, I don't fully know or understand the reasons, nor is this about the reasons. I'm not trying to say someone is or isn't to blame. I'm not trying to say I am or am not to blame.
That's not the point of this post.
The point is that though I am 3 months down the road, doing something I LOVE to do, making more money than I ever thought possible working part-time from home (and Starbucks . . . and McDonald's . . . they have free wi-fi, aren't crowded and their coffee is cheaper!) Anyway, I digress. I LOVE what I am doing, making great money doing it, am home with the girls except for 2.5 hours, 2 mornings a week. Even though my outside circumstances are not remotely bleak . . .
I still struggle. I have days that the grief and loss that I feel wash over me like a tidal wave. I struggle to speak, to interact in a decent way with my family, to function.
I miss little things and big things. I miss my work. It was life-giving. I miss helping people get connected to their calling, to community.
I miss prayer days.
I miss interacting with my co-workers that I have done life with, some for 5 years.
I miss the security guards. They're such great people and have taught me so much about how the world perceives Christians.
From what I understand, these feelings of loss and grief are normal, and I can expect them to be like this for a long, long time.
So what do I do with these grief waves that threaten to tow me under on some days?
There is only one thing I can do. I run to Jesus. I run to His Word.
Proverbs 12:25 says, "Anxiety in a man's heart weighs it down, but a good word makes it glad." I find the most incredible comfort in the Word, the Bible. God's holy and spoken word to us. It speaks peace and comfort over me and gives my soul rest.
All that to say, I find comfort today in this from Psalm 33, "By the word of the Lord the heavens were made, and by the breath of His mouth all their host. He lays up the deeps in storehouses. Let all the earth fear the Lord; Let all the inhabitants of the world stand in awe of Him. For He spoke, and it was done. He commanded, and it stood fast." God's got it. And even if I don't understand, he's still in control. Totally in control. And I can trust this He is for me and for my good.
All That to Say: Santa Logic
While there, Zack noticed that the Santa booth was being set up and mentioned to the girls that Santa would soon be there. When they walked around the corner, he was surprised to see that Santa was already sitting in his chair. And they girls were very excited as well.
The lady running the Santa booth asked Zack if the girls wanted to get their pictures taken with Santa, but at $34 for one picture, he declined. He did ask if the girls could just sit on Santa's lap (apparently not typically allowed without paying the $$) and seeing that NO ONE else was in the mall, they allowed it.
Apparently he was a pretty awesome Santa and asked the girls if they knew what Christmas was all about. Shannay said it was Jesus' birthday, and the Santa told her she was right, and that Jesus was the most important part of Christmas. (That makes me happy. Please go see him. He's at The Woodlands Mall)
Anyway, fast forward a week.
Shannay and I were talking about seeing Santa at the mall, and I asked her if she thought he was the real Santa or just a helper Santa.
This was her logic.
Shannay: "He was the reeeeeeeeeeeeal Santa, Mama."
Me: "How do you know?"
She held up two fingers and said,
"1. He said "ho, ho, ho." (duh Mom)
"And 2, he had presents."
Then she put her hands around her mouth to really drive home how secretive this information was and whispered, "I saw his presents."
LOL.
I love that girl.
All that to say, you can't argue with her logic. If the man looks like Santa, has presents and says, "ho, ho, ho" then he must be the reeeeeeeeal Santa.
This is going to be a fun Christmas!
Day 78: Peace is Not a Place
I was visiting my long time friend and Pastor, Larry York, yesterday and he was sharing with me about his vacation in Wyoming and Montana. It was fun to listen to him talk about trout-filled streams and giant ranger-protected elk, and log cabins and mountain views.
I went to see him because he is my Pastor, and the last few weeks of my life have been somewhat tumultuous, (and he's a wise counselor). Over the course of our conversation, I shared with him that mornings are the hardest for me because in those first few moments of waking I feel the turmoil. My mind is still consumed by unanswered questions, and in the still quiet moments of dawn they demand an answer.
He showed me a picture on his cell phone (which was a little amusing to me because Larry will be the first person to tell you he is not technologically savvy).
The picture was of a majestic, snow-capped mountain, set behind a gorgeous lake all on the backdrop of a beautiful purple sky. He asked me what I felt when I looked at that picture, and I said, "Peace."
He smiled and said that most people said that. He said, "Imagine if you could wake up to that every morning. Would you feel at peace?" And of course I said that I would. When he asked, "Why?" I said it was because I could feel the presence of God.
He said that the same God who made those mountains made the trees outside my window, and the desert, and the valley. He said, "It's not the mountain that is peaceful, it's God."
His point to me, and a great one, was to trust God and not my circumstances. The peace I seek is in God, not in my location, nor in the answers I want, nor in my circumstances.
All that to say, Jesus said in John 14:27 "I am leaving you with a gift--peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don't be troubled or afraid."
Jesus (and Larry), those are good words. Thank you for the reminder.
I went to see him because he is my Pastor, and the last few weeks of my life have been somewhat tumultuous, (and he's a wise counselor). Over the course of our conversation, I shared with him that mornings are the hardest for me because in those first few moments of waking I feel the turmoil. My mind is still consumed by unanswered questions, and in the still quiet moments of dawn they demand an answer.
He showed me a picture on his cell phone (which was a little amusing to me because Larry will be the first person to tell you he is not technologically savvy).
The picture was of a majestic, snow-capped mountain, set behind a gorgeous lake all on the backdrop of a beautiful purple sky. He asked me what I felt when I looked at that picture, and I said, "Peace."
He smiled and said that most people said that. He said, "Imagine if you could wake up to that every morning. Would you feel at peace?" And of course I said that I would. When he asked, "Why?" I said it was because I could feel the presence of God.
He said that the same God who made those mountains made the trees outside my window, and the desert, and the valley. He said, "It's not the mountain that is peaceful, it's God."
His point to me, and a great one, was to trust God and not my circumstances. The peace I seek is in God, not in my location, nor in the answers I want, nor in my circumstances.
All that to say, Jesus said in John 14:27 "I am leaving you with a gift--peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don't be troubled or afraid."
Jesus (and Larry), those are good words. Thank you for the reminder.
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