I believe that over the years I have become quite adept at hiding my hurts. I speak of forgiveness and of forgiving and of loving my enemies and the importance of it. I speak of it in such a way that people might think my superpower is the ability to have arrows bounce off my heart instead of penetrating deeply into my soul.
I don't know what you'd call that superpower. It should have a pretty cool name. I'll have to think of one.
But alas, I am a fake. I fear I am like the Pharisees, making a great show of my spiritual depth, but all the while I am like grass with no roots. The least little wind blows me away, scattering me in a hundred directions.
My friend, Doug Jackson said this, "The question we can ask is whether our own shows of spirituality, meant to fool the world, lead us to lie to our own hearts."
God is teaching me (always a painful and scary process) that making a show of forgiveness when deep hurt is still within me, might fool the world, but not Him. And it doesn't heal me. It hurts me, only driving the woundedness even further in. I have learned that breaking off the shaft of the arrow, while leaving the sharp, barberous tip deep within me creates an infectious wound in my soul.
All that to say, I, Carol Jones, am a grudge holder. Deny it as I might, it has become transparent and I can ignore it no longer. I must dig out the arrows, expose the wounds to the Light, and let them be healed once and for all.
Day 44: Layers Suck
Do you ever get tired of dealing with your junk (as in the emotional upheaval of your life junk?) I do. And my least favorite part is when you get to this place where you have fooled yourself into thinking you are okay, and then you see something, or hear something, or read something on Facebook and you realize you have, indeed, NOT dealt with your junk.
I have a good friend (I used to call her my mentor, but she told me to stop saying that because we are no longer teacher/student, but peers, equals, friends. . . I doubt that (the peers,equals part) but have told her I will work on it). ANYWAY, As I was saying, I have a good friend who tells me that God reveals our wounds to us in layers. And He lets us deal with those layers in quantities that we can handle. And when we have dealt with a layer of that woundedness and are in a good place, He peels back a new layer, so that we can heal from that.
What is hard for me is that I will go along feeling healed from a wound and then suddenly realize I am only healed from a layer. And then I know I have more work to do. But sometimes, I don't want to work.
All that to say, I know I will do the work. I'm just dreading the process.
I have a good friend (I used to call her my mentor, but she told me to stop saying that because we are no longer teacher/student, but peers, equals, friends. . . I doubt that (the peers,equals part) but have told her I will work on it). ANYWAY, As I was saying, I have a good friend who tells me that God reveals our wounds to us in layers. And He lets us deal with those layers in quantities that we can handle. And when we have dealt with a layer of that woundedness and are in a good place, He peels back a new layer, so that we can heal from that.
What is hard for me is that I will go along feeling healed from a wound and then suddenly realize I am only healed from a layer. And then I know I have more work to do. But sometimes, I don't want to work.
All that to say, I know I will do the work. I'm just dreading the process.
Day 43: Life on the Beltway
I have been way too serious lately. In my writing at least. I used to go through the day amazed at the funny and bizarre things I saw people do. But lately it seems like I am totally focused on everything else. Even things that are funny, I somehow turn into serious.
So, here is my attempt at humor. This is my list of Top 10 Things I Have Seen People Do While Driving on the Beltway:
1. Picking their nose . . . with two hands
2. Putting on mascara and passing me . . . I was going 70.
3. Reading a newspaper
4. Riding with their top down in freezing weather
5. Changing 4 lanes without looking so as not to miss their exit that was closed
6. Honking like crazy at a car going too slow in the fast lane, only to realize the car they are honking at is a police car
7. Slamming on their brakes and almost killing people because they realize they are about to pass a police car
8. Stopping in the EZ Tag lane, right before the toll booth, because they don't have an EZ Tag and there is no way out of the EZ Tag lane (so yeah, let's just stop traffic . . . idiots)
9. Passing that long row of traffic cones that block off the EZ Tag lane, all the while KNOWING you don't have an EZ Tag (goes with number 8)
10. Driving straight through a "Pay" booth b/c you think it is an EZ tag booth
All that to say, my commute is quite funny most days. I shall make an attempt to notice the fun.
So, here is my attempt at humor. This is my list of Top 10 Things I Have Seen People Do While Driving on the Beltway:
1. Picking their nose . . . with two hands
2. Putting on mascara and passing me . . . I was going 70.
3. Reading a newspaper
4. Riding with their top down in freezing weather
5. Changing 4 lanes without looking so as not to miss their exit that was closed
6. Honking like crazy at a car going too slow in the fast lane, only to realize the car they are honking at is a police car
7. Slamming on their brakes and almost killing people because they realize they are about to pass a police car
8. Stopping in the EZ Tag lane, right before the toll booth, because they don't have an EZ Tag and there is no way out of the EZ Tag lane (so yeah, let's just stop traffic . . . idiots)
9. Passing that long row of traffic cones that block off the EZ Tag lane, all the while KNOWING you don't have an EZ Tag (goes with number 8)
10. Driving straight through a "Pay" booth b/c you think it is an EZ tag booth
All that to say, my commute is quite funny most days. I shall make an attempt to notice the fun.
Day 42: Transition
I've been thinking a lot about my sons lately. I'm not totally sure what brought it on, but I have REALLY been thinking a lot about my sons. My prayer life is consumed by praying for them. My waking hours are spent thinking about them. I'm not troubled. That's not how my thoughts go.
Today I was thinking about who they were as little people, who they were as teenagers, who they were as college students, and who they will be as grown men.
When Zack was little, he was such a sweet, compliant little baby and toddler. He played well, slept well, ate well, never got sick. Then he turned two and became a little terror, so strong-willed, so high maintenance. As an older child, he became incredibly shy, a bit unsure of himself, and incredibly inquisitive. It was almost like he craved input about the life around him. He was a typical teenager in most ways, good ways. Each stage of his life was certainly a transitional stage. And now he is a grown up. And it feels like he is on the edge of the next stage of life. And that makes me wonder. Who will he become? When he was a child, he looked and acted a lot like us. When he grew older, went to college, he still had a lot of our characteristics, but I could see the influence of others as well. And now, as he is on the verge of this next step, I wonder how he will change. What kind of husband will he be? What kind of Dad? I know . . . I'm jumping the gun.
When Jacob was little, he had colic for 5 months. He was kind of frail, didn't eat well, didn't sleep well, spent a lot of time at the doctor. But then he turned two, and he became the happiest, most compliant little toddler. Everything was joy to him. I even recorded his laugh it was so precious. As an older child, he became insanely inquisitive. He even read encyclopedias for fun. He was always a bit shy, but such a great friend to all. Everyone liked Jacob. (I think that's still true). When he grew older, he, too, went to college, and others influenced him. I could still see pieces of us in him, but I saw how others had influenced him as well. And now, here he is, a college graduate, sitting on the edge of adulthood, just about to jump in with both feet. And I wonder the same things for him as I do for Zack.
Maybe all my wondering is normal. My friend, Kim, told me today that our kids look like the kids we raised, and then they go out into the world and the world affects them and changes them, and that's not necessarily a bad thing. They become "them" instead of miniature versions of us. That has to be a good thing.
I think I am also in transition. I, too, am sitting on the edge of a new stage of life.
All that to say, only God knows what the future holds. Thank God.
Today I was thinking about who they were as little people, who they were as teenagers, who they were as college students, and who they will be as grown men.
When Zack was little, he was such a sweet, compliant little baby and toddler. He played well, slept well, ate well, never got sick. Then he turned two and became a little terror, so strong-willed, so high maintenance. As an older child, he became incredibly shy, a bit unsure of himself, and incredibly inquisitive. It was almost like he craved input about the life around him. He was a typical teenager in most ways, good ways. Each stage of his life was certainly a transitional stage. And now he is a grown up. And it feels like he is on the edge of the next stage of life. And that makes me wonder. Who will he become? When he was a child, he looked and acted a lot like us. When he grew older, went to college, he still had a lot of our characteristics, but I could see the influence of others as well. And now, as he is on the verge of this next step, I wonder how he will change. What kind of husband will he be? What kind of Dad? I know . . . I'm jumping the gun.
When Jacob was little, he had colic for 5 months. He was kind of frail, didn't eat well, didn't sleep well, spent a lot of time at the doctor. But then he turned two, and he became the happiest, most compliant little toddler. Everything was joy to him. I even recorded his laugh it was so precious. As an older child, he became insanely inquisitive. He even read encyclopedias for fun. He was always a bit shy, but such a great friend to all. Everyone liked Jacob. (I think that's still true). When he grew older, he, too, went to college, and others influenced him. I could still see pieces of us in him, but I saw how others had influenced him as well. And now, here he is, a college graduate, sitting on the edge of adulthood, just about to jump in with both feet. And I wonder the same things for him as I do for Zack.
Maybe all my wondering is normal. My friend, Kim, told me today that our kids look like the kids we raised, and then they go out into the world and the world affects them and changes them, and that's not necessarily a bad thing. They become "them" instead of miniature versions of us. That has to be a good thing.
I think I am also in transition. I, too, am sitting on the edge of a new stage of life.
All that to say, only God knows what the future holds. Thank God.
Day 41: If Only
We had a staff training day on Monday. We technically have one every Monday, so that in itself is not news. I am writing about the one we had this past Monday, though, because it was quite impactful. (Is impactful a word?)
Anyway.
This one was about being content.
No matter what the circumstance.
The phrase that was used to drive home the point was this, "If I only _____________ (you fill in the blank) then I would be happy (or content or satisfied, you choose the word)."
I said things like, "If I only had a permanent residence. THEN I would be happy." "If only my sons could both get jobs, THEN I would be happy."
It kind of became a joke throughout the day as I continued to hear people say, "If I only had 1 more hour in the day, THEN I would be happy." "If only my husband didn't annoy me, THEN I would be happy." "If only I could lose weight, THEN I would be happy."
But the reality is, none of that is true. We won't be happy. We won't be content. We won't be satisfied. There always seems to be that one elusive thing that keeps us from fulfillment. And even if we got that one elusive thing, another one would take its place.
That "thing" we are looking for isn't a "thing" at all. It is quite simply, Jesus.
All that to say, imagine if only we weren't so consumed with what we needed and wanted and just took inventory of what we already have?
Anyway.
This one was about being content.
No matter what the circumstance.
The phrase that was used to drive home the point was this, "If I only _____________ (you fill in the blank) then I would be happy (or content or satisfied, you choose the word)."
I said things like, "If I only had a permanent residence. THEN I would be happy." "If only my sons could both get jobs, THEN I would be happy."
It kind of became a joke throughout the day as I continued to hear people say, "If I only had 1 more hour in the day, THEN I would be happy." "If only my husband didn't annoy me, THEN I would be happy." "If only I could lose weight, THEN I would be happy."
But the reality is, none of that is true. We won't be happy. We won't be content. We won't be satisfied. There always seems to be that one elusive thing that keeps us from fulfillment. And even if we got that one elusive thing, another one would take its place.
That "thing" we are looking for isn't a "thing" at all. It is quite simply, Jesus.
All that to say, imagine if only we weren't so consumed with what we needed and wanted and just took inventory of what we already have?
Day 40: Mini Me
I am on a mini-vacation in a far away land for the next several days.
All that to say, there won't be a post for the next three days
All that to say, there won't be a post for the next three days
Day 39: The Field Continued
So, here is the second picture of the field that I have seen.
The picture was of someone searching with a very deep sense of longing, a longing so deep and so covered up with hurt and disappointment that it would surely never be filled. As they walked through an almost barren field, there was sunlight so crisp and beautiful that illuminated an area of the field. And the person was drawn to the sunlight, even though the field itself appeared just as barren.
The picture (I believe) is of God, showing that He is there in the barrenness, the emptiness, the loneliness. I felt like He was saying that the deep longing will never be fulfilled by anything that the world has offered, not relationship, not employment, not worldly success or fame. And this unfulfilled longing has led the person in the field to this place of emptiness, this vast barren wasteland of emotion. And finally they can hear God say, “I AM what you are longing for.”
All that to say, don't know if that speaks to you.
The picture was of someone searching with a very deep sense of longing, a longing so deep and so covered up with hurt and disappointment that it would surely never be filled. As they walked through an almost barren field, there was sunlight so crisp and beautiful that illuminated an area of the field. And the person was drawn to the sunlight, even though the field itself appeared just as barren.
The picture (I believe) is of God, showing that He is there in the barrenness, the emptiness, the loneliness. I felt like He was saying that the deep longing will never be fulfilled by anything that the world has offered, not relationship, not employment, not worldly success or fame. And this unfulfilled longing has led the person in the field to this place of emptiness, this vast barren wasteland of emotion. And finally they can hear God say, “I AM what you are longing for.”
All that to say, don't know if that speaks to you.
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