I find that I am often frustrated by Christians response to things. I'm not saying we shouldn't stand up for what we believe in, or that we shouldn't have the freedom to speak our minds. I'm not. There are plenty of things I feel strongly about, and I'm certainly entitled to my opinion, and I'm equally entitled to speak about those things (based on the Constitution of this country where I live), and I'm equally entitled to "take a stand" about those things. I'm okay with all of my friends who wanted to sit in stupid long lines to go buy a chicken sandwich because you felt like it was your way of taking a stand. (Not saying it was particularly productive in my way of thinking, but I support your right to do it!)
But what I am not entitled to do is to be hateful. I am not entitled to be hurtful. I am not entitled to misrepresent Jesus and His love for ALL mankind, regardless of race, or gender, or political orientation. I am not entitled to make you feel like you are less than me because we do not share the same religious beliefs. I am not entitled to judge you.
I am called to be different. I am called to use my powers for good ("Do not withhold good to those whom it is due when it is in your power to do so.") I am called to love, unconditionally.
And if I am going to raise up and cry out and want to make a difference in the world . . .
If I am going to put my energy someplace . . .
If I am going to try to change the world to be what I believe God would want . . .
I'm going to rescue babies, and help dig water wells, and help rescue modern day slaves, and feed the poor or at the very least I'm gonna spend some time getting to know my neighbors and loving them better.
I could go on. But I won't. I don't want to join the melee. (I think I just did).
I just want to say that I love Jesus. And I love people. And if my love for Jesus and you isn't the first thing you notice about me, then I need to work on myself before I even THINK about what you need to change about you.
All that to say, before you act . . .before you speak . . . ask yourself, "Is what I am about to say or do going to be a beautiful reflection of Jesus or a hateful reflection of myself?"
Day 44: Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire
I have come to the conclusion that we are all liars, meaning that at some point in our day, week, month, year, lifetime, we lie. We just don't like the word "liar" and so we work really hard to justify the reasons we lie.
There are probably just as many reasons for the lies we tell as there are lies themselves. We lie to avoid conflict. . . well, now that I type that . . . I realize there is only one reason we lie; we lie to avoid conflict.
People tell all sorts of lies to avoid conflict. Here are a few . . .
The "who's gonna know" lie. The lie we tell when we cheat on our taxes or something similar.
The "white" lie. The lie we tell because we believe it is in the best interest of the person to whom we are lying. This is the "I love your new haircut" lie or the "no, your butt doesn't look big in those pants" lie. (just for the record, I will straight up tell you your butt looks big if you ask me . . . if it does indeed look big. . . so don't ask me if you don't really want to know.)
The "flipped it" lie. The lie we tell when we have forgotten something, but we blame the other person instead. This is the "I told you weeks ago that I had a meeting, but you never remember anything I say" lie or the "you never told me to schedule that dentist appointment. You do that all the time; think you've told me something but you haven't" lie.
The "cover-up" lie. The lie we tell when our best defense is a good offense. This is the "that's my story, and I'm sticking to it" lie. Teenagers are the best at this one! Even when they know the story they are telling is completely illogical, they will stick to that story no matter what!
The "negative belief" lie. The lie we tell because we believe that if we tell the truth about something, the other person is going to blow up about it, so instead of trusting them with the truth, we choose to tell a lie. The "no, I didn't buy new shoes. Those are old shoes. I've had them for months" lie. (but in our head we're saying, "If I tell you I bought new shoes, which clearly I did, you are gonna freak out about it and yell at me for spending money.") I may or may not do this. Sometimes. Maybe frequently. (I SAID MAYBE)
I think at the end of the day, we lie because we do not trust the other party enough to tell them the truth. We do not trust that our relationship, friendship, marriage with them is secure enough, safe enough, loving enough, to trust them with the truth. And perhaps we don't want to have to speak the truth aloud because it makes us have to face things about ourselves that we don't like either.
And so we lie.
To avoid conflict.
Just imagine, though, if we cultivated relationships of truth telling? But how do we do that?
We must begin by telling the truth. By helping the other person know that no matter what, I will always tell you the truth.
And secondly, by creating an atmosphere of grace, by helping the other person know that no matter how unpleasant the truth might be to hear, I want to hear the truth. And when you tell me the truth, I'm not going to blow up about it. I might not be happy. But I'm not going to explode. I'm going to be a safe person for you.
All that to say, truth telling . . . it's underrated.
There are probably just as many reasons for the lies we tell as there are lies themselves. We lie to avoid conflict. . . well, now that I type that . . . I realize there is only one reason we lie; we lie to avoid conflict.
People tell all sorts of lies to avoid conflict. Here are a few . . .
The "who's gonna know" lie. The lie we tell when we cheat on our taxes or something similar.
The "white" lie. The lie we tell because we believe it is in the best interest of the person to whom we are lying. This is the "I love your new haircut" lie or the "no, your butt doesn't look big in those pants" lie. (just for the record, I will straight up tell you your butt looks big if you ask me . . . if it does indeed look big. . . so don't ask me if you don't really want to know.)
The "flipped it" lie. The lie we tell when we have forgotten something, but we blame the other person instead. This is the "I told you weeks ago that I had a meeting, but you never remember anything I say" lie or the "you never told me to schedule that dentist appointment. You do that all the time; think you've told me something but you haven't" lie.
The "cover-up" lie. The lie we tell when our best defense is a good offense. This is the "that's my story, and I'm sticking to it" lie. Teenagers are the best at this one! Even when they know the story they are telling is completely illogical, they will stick to that story no matter what!
The "negative belief" lie. The lie we tell because we believe that if we tell the truth about something, the other person is going to blow up about it, so instead of trusting them with the truth, we choose to tell a lie. The "no, I didn't buy new shoes. Those are old shoes. I've had them for months" lie. (but in our head we're saying, "If I tell you I bought new shoes, which clearly I did, you are gonna freak out about it and yell at me for spending money.") I may or may not do this. Sometimes. Maybe frequently. (I SAID MAYBE)
I think at the end of the day, we lie because we do not trust the other party enough to tell them the truth. We do not trust that our relationship, friendship, marriage with them is secure enough, safe enough, loving enough, to trust them with the truth. And perhaps we don't want to have to speak the truth aloud because it makes us have to face things about ourselves that we don't like either.
And so we lie.
To avoid conflict.
Just imagine, though, if we cultivated relationships of truth telling? But how do we do that?
We must begin by telling the truth. By helping the other person know that no matter what, I will always tell you the truth.
And secondly, by creating an atmosphere of grace, by helping the other person know that no matter how unpleasant the truth might be to hear, I want to hear the truth. And when you tell me the truth, I'm not going to blow up about it. I might not be happy. But I'm not going to explode. I'm going to be a safe person for you.
All that to say, truth telling . . . it's underrated.
Day 43: Family Matters
I totally know you guys are all just sitting around hoping, just hope upon hope, that you will pop open my blog and I will be telling you some incredible story about another family member. So . . . today is your lucky day! My next installment of Family Matters.
When I was a little girl, I was TOTALLY a daddy's girl. My world revolved around him. I can even remember being a little girl, standing on his feet, gazing up into his eyes, and dancing with him. He was my world. My knight in shining armor.
But my knight had a dark side. He was an alcoholic. And following his divorce from my mom, for a period of about 5 years, he really went off the deep end. Very often he lived on the streets, homeless and drunk, and I almost never heard from him.
But a near death experience snapped him into the realization that he had a lot to live for, and three kids, almost grown-ups by then, who desperately needed him to get his act together, and so he did.
The love of a good woman and the love of Jesus rescued him from the man he was.
And now, well, maybe he's not a knight, but he's a sweet man; a man that loves Jesus, a man that loves his kids and grand kids, a man that loves his wife and a man who has been sober for over 35 years.
I heard him tell someone at my church recently (when they commented about how sweet he was) he said, "Well, I figure we all got some good in us and we all got some bad in us. And I just used up all my bad early on." (If you say that in a super country voice, you can imagine what he sounds like!)
Other notable facts about my dad. My dad is brilliant. He devours the newspaper every single day of his life, and he doesn't forget anything (which makes him pretty freaking awesome at Trivial Pursuit at Christmas!) And he loves to have fun!
My dad is 72 years old (soon to be) and he still goes on mission trips. He serves at VBS at his church, works in the sound booth, and teaches RA's (a group similar to scouts.) He works with the homeless and at the food bank. He helps fix the homes of widows. He is so incredibly active, constantly giving to others.
And he is a phenomenal "Pawpaw" as he is called by his grand kids. Even when Nikki and Shannay met him for the first time (see below) they were immediately enamored. He calls it "Pawpaw magic."
All that to say, I guess I'm still a daddy's girl.
Day 42: The Blame Game
So, last night I was talking to the police officers who serve at our church, two different conversations at different times, but oddly about the same topic: marriage and blame.
In the first conversation, the officer was telling me about counseling a young married couple who were having problems. His counsel to the husband was that he had to quit blaming his wife for the problems in their marriage (her being overweight, overspending, never keeping a job). And his counsel to the wife was to quit blaming her husband for the problems in their marriage (porn addiction, an affair 13 years earlier) and for each of them to accept responsibility for their own issues, and for each of them to be grown ups and get help for the issues they needed help with.
Seemed like good advice.
The next conversation I had with the second officer was about Adam and Eve, and how since the dawn of man, pretty much, woman has been wreaking havoc in the world by manipulating her husband into doing things that he should not do. His "version" of the garden was that Adam told Eve not to eat the forbidden fruit, but that she did it anyway, and when he saw that she didn't die, he thought, "Awww, why not? She didn't die, so maybe I will just take one bite." And so Eve ruined the world. Pretty much.
I said, "So not unlike the first man who said, "Lord, it was that woman you gave me," you too are blaming the woman?"
He laughed and said, "See, you're trying to twist what I said. The husband didn't do anything wrong. He was just following his wife. The wife that God gave him."
I said, "So now it's God's fault?"
He threw up his hands and laughed!
I said, "What if the woman accepted blame for not obeying her husband, who was trying to cherish and protect her by telling her not to eat the fruit? And what if the husband accepted blame for not obeying God and for not leading his wife, but instead just followed her blindly into sin?"
Weren't they really both to blame? God made it pretty clear they both owned a part of it.
What I take from both of these conversations is this; in every relationship, each person in the relationship has some responsibility for the condition of the relationship. (Some relationships are incredibly abusive, physically, emotionally, and verbally, and the abuse within the relationship is only the fault of the person doing the abusing . . . in case you're thinking I'm saying something else.)
However, in a typical marriage, what would happen if both parties just owned their own "stuff?" Seems like that would at least be a healthy start toward marital health.
All that to say, sometimes keeping score is a good idea, just not in a marriage. The Blame Game is a game with no winner.
In the first conversation, the officer was telling me about counseling a young married couple who were having problems. His counsel to the husband was that he had to quit blaming his wife for the problems in their marriage (her being overweight, overspending, never keeping a job). And his counsel to the wife was to quit blaming her husband for the problems in their marriage (porn addiction, an affair 13 years earlier) and for each of them to accept responsibility for their own issues, and for each of them to be grown ups and get help for the issues they needed help with.
Seemed like good advice.
The next conversation I had with the second officer was about Adam and Eve, and how since the dawn of man, pretty much, woman has been wreaking havoc in the world by manipulating her husband into doing things that he should not do. His "version" of the garden was that Adam told Eve not to eat the forbidden fruit, but that she did it anyway, and when he saw that she didn't die, he thought, "Awww, why not? She didn't die, so maybe I will just take one bite." And so Eve ruined the world. Pretty much.
I said, "So not unlike the first man who said, "Lord, it was that woman you gave me," you too are blaming the woman?"
He laughed and said, "See, you're trying to twist what I said. The husband didn't do anything wrong. He was just following his wife. The wife that God gave him."
I said, "So now it's God's fault?"
He threw up his hands and laughed!
I said, "What if the woman accepted blame for not obeying her husband, who was trying to cherish and protect her by telling her not to eat the fruit? And what if the husband accepted blame for not obeying God and for not leading his wife, but instead just followed her blindly into sin?"
Weren't they really both to blame? God made it pretty clear they both owned a part of it.
What I take from both of these conversations is this; in every relationship, each person in the relationship has some responsibility for the condition of the relationship. (Some relationships are incredibly abusive, physically, emotionally, and verbally, and the abuse within the relationship is only the fault of the person doing the abusing . . . in case you're thinking I'm saying something else.)
However, in a typical marriage, what would happen if both parties just owned their own "stuff?" Seems like that would at least be a healthy start toward marital health.
All that to say, sometimes keeping score is a good idea, just not in a marriage. The Blame Game is a game with no winner.
Day 41.5 Making Adoption Affordable - Call Today
So, anyone who knows me knows I am not particularly politically savvy or active (other than I vote, and try to do so in an educated way). Today was the first day I have EVER called my Congressman's office. I called because this is OBVIOUSLY incredibly close to home for me and many, many people I know. If you would please make a phone call on my behalf and on behalf of the many families who will/want to adopt children in the future, I would greatly appreciate it.
Just follow the instructions below. It took me 3 total minutes to make the call to my Representative Kevin Brady. A call is better than an email please.
All that to say, thank you for helping make adoption affordable.
Just follow the instructions below. It took me 3 total minutes to make the call to my Representative Kevin Brady. A call is better than an email please.
All that to say, thank you for helping make adoption affordable.
ADVOCACY
ALERT, CALL-IN DAY: ADOPTION TAX CREDIT
USE YOUR
VOICE: ASK YOUR U.S. REPRESENTATIVE
TO CO-SPONSOR H.R. 4373
TO CO-SPONSOR H.R. 4373
Action:
We are contacting you today to urge you to call your
Representative in the U.S. House of Representatives. You can reach your
Representative by calling the U.S. Capitol Operator at 202-225-3121 and
asking for your Representative's office. If you don't know your
Representative's name, go to http://www.house.gov/representatives/find/ and
enter your zip code in the box provided.
Message: (I LITERALLY JUST READ THIS TO THEM VERBATIM)
- I am a constituent in your
district and the adoption tax credit is important to me. (It matters to me
because…)
- I urge the Representative to
become a co-sponsor of The
Making Adoption Affordable Act, H.R. 4373.
- If Congress does not act – the
credit as we now know it – will expire in December 2012.
- H.R. 4373 is bipartisan and it supports all types of adoptions (domestic
private, foster care, and international adoptions).
- This tax credit has made
adoption a more viable option for many parents who might not otherwise
have been able to afford adoption, allowing them to provide children with
loving, permanent families.
- Thank you for your support of
H.R. 4373.
Also, “like” the Save the Adoption Tax Credit mission on
Facebook at: http://www.facebook.com/AdoptionTaxCredit
Thank you for taking a few minutes to make this important phone
call!
Again, thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule to act
on this important request!
National Foster Parent
Association
Day 41: Guilty
It's funny to me whenever I hear someone making fun of what other people post on facebook. In truth, it makes me laugh a little.
Of course, I'm not laughing out loud, in their face. I'm laughing in my head. That crazy sounding laugh that no one else hears but you, but that makes you want to laugh out loud at yourself for being so amused.
I confess that sometimes the laugh in my head is a condescending laugh. A laugh that says, 'Whatever, you totally know you do it too!"
But sometimes the laugh in my head is a nervous, oh-man-I'm-totally-guilty-of-that laugh.
In fact, I am VERY OFTEN guilty of the things I hear people ridiculing others about on facebook.
Some examples:
"Seriously, do people really think anyone else CARES what you are having for dinner?"
"If they post one more recipe about their organic gluten free dinner, I'm going to delete them as a friend."
"No matter how urgent the crisis, there's always time to update your status on facebook."
"You know, hashtags aren't for facebook? right?"
"I'm not dumb. That casual "update" that says something funny that happened with your new business is really just an ad for your new business."
"I really don't care how fast, far, long you ran or what you felt like afterward."
Oh but the list could go on. I totally make fun of the things people post on facebook all the time, so I think hearing people making fun of things I do is sort of some kind of cosmic payback. (if I believed in cosmic paybacks)
All that to say, I've enjoyed having a good laugh at my own expense. And it has made me think a little bit more about WHAT I post on facebook. Maybe.
Of course, I'm not laughing out loud, in their face. I'm laughing in my head. That crazy sounding laugh that no one else hears but you, but that makes you want to laugh out loud at yourself for being so amused.
I confess that sometimes the laugh in my head is a condescending laugh. A laugh that says, 'Whatever, you totally know you do it too!"
But sometimes the laugh in my head is a nervous, oh-man-I'm-totally-guilty-of-that laugh.
In fact, I am VERY OFTEN guilty of the things I hear people ridiculing others about on facebook.
Some examples:
"Seriously, do people really think anyone else CARES what you are having for dinner?"
- Guilty. I have recently posted that I was having Banana Pancakes, Maple Bacon and Scrambled Eggs for dinner. I guess I thought someone cared.
"If they post one more recipe about their organic gluten free dinner, I'm going to delete them as a friend."
- Guilty. Well, not about the organic gluten free part. I'm dying a slow toxic death by shopping at the actual grocery store (and in the center aisles no less!) But I have posted recipes of my meals.
"No matter how urgent the crisis, there's always time to update your status on facebook."
- Guilty. I have done this in the ER (complete with pics), on my way to the ER, on my way home from the ER, etc.
"You know, hashtags aren't for facebook? right?"
- Guilty. #SueMe #You'reNotTheBossOfMe
"I'm not dumb. That casual "update" that says something funny that happened with your new business is really just an ad for your new business."
- Guilty. No explanation needed.
- Guilty. For the entire 10 months I trained for a marathon!
Oh but the list could go on. I totally make fun of the things people post on facebook all the time, so I think hearing people making fun of things I do is sort of some kind of cosmic payback. (if I believed in cosmic paybacks)
All that to say, I've enjoyed having a good laugh at my own expense. And it has made me think a little bit more about WHAT I post on facebook. Maybe.
Day 40: These Simple Truths
I've been thinking a lot about marriage lately. Mostly because of my own marriage, which by anyone's standards isn't perfect, and by some standards might be considered dysfunctional, but by my standards is my marriage, mine to love, hate, appreciate, despise, fix, ignore, etc. (Well, mine and Mike's, of course.) And by my standards it's a really good marriage. (Well, on most days!)
Michael Smalley, a friend of mine, said to me recently, "Carol, anyone who's been married for almost 31 years has figured something out about marriage. Not to say your marriage couldn't use a "tune-up" because most people's can, but loving someone and being married to them for 31 years is noteworthy."
And Kim, another friend of mine, said this, "I've figured out that I need to focus a lot more on what I need to change about me and a lot less on what I want my husband to change about himself."
As I am thinking about marriage today, I could not help but think about the "wisdom" I so often share with young couples as they prepare to get married. I often say, "If you can just remember two things about each other's needs, you'll never have to read a single book on marriage. It's this:
Women, your husbands really want two things from you (not counting a ridiculous amount of sex on a regular basis) - they want you to respect them (deeply admire them) and honor them. This looks different in every marriage. Maybe they want you to respect their opinion more than anyone else's. Maybe they want you to tell them what a great husband, father, lover, provider they are. Maybe they want you to defer to their decision occasionally. Like I said, it will look different in every marriage. But just ask yourself this question every single time,
"Is what I am about to say, think, do going to tell my husband how deeply I respect and honor him? Will my words, thoughts, deeds make him feel respected and honored?"
Men, your wives really want two things from you. They want to feel cherished and protected. And this looks different in every marriage. They want to feel like they are more special to you than anything else and that there is no way you could live your life without them in it, nor would you want to. They want to feel like you would not only die for them, but you would go out of your way to make sure they are safe in every big way, and in every small way. This could range from taking care of their car to never saying or doing something that would intentionally hurt them. Like I said, it will look different in every marriage, but just ask yourself this question every single time, "
"Is what I am about to say, think do, going to say to my wife that I cherish her and want to protect her? Will my words, thoughts, deeds make her feel cherished and protected?"
I confess to you, I do not always remember to do this. And after a while of not doing it, I find that my marriage becomes stressful, unpleasant, volatile, and rocky. But when we mutually meet each other's most basic needs, our marriage is everything it should be.
You want to revolutionize your marriage? Practice these simple truths. Respect and Honor. Cherish and Protect.
All that to say, that's good advice. I should take it myself . . . WAY MORE OFTEN.
Michael Smalley, a friend of mine, said to me recently, "Carol, anyone who's been married for almost 31 years has figured something out about marriage. Not to say your marriage couldn't use a "tune-up" because most people's can, but loving someone and being married to them for 31 years is noteworthy."
And Kim, another friend of mine, said this, "I've figured out that I need to focus a lot more on what I need to change about me and a lot less on what I want my husband to change about himself."
As I am thinking about marriage today, I could not help but think about the "wisdom" I so often share with young couples as they prepare to get married. I often say, "If you can just remember two things about each other's needs, you'll never have to read a single book on marriage. It's this:
Women, your husbands really want two things from you (not counting a ridiculous amount of sex on a regular basis) - they want you to respect them (deeply admire them) and honor them. This looks different in every marriage. Maybe they want you to respect their opinion more than anyone else's. Maybe they want you to tell them what a great husband, father, lover, provider they are. Maybe they want you to defer to their decision occasionally. Like I said, it will look different in every marriage. But just ask yourself this question every single time,
"Is what I am about to say, think, do going to tell my husband how deeply I respect and honor him? Will my words, thoughts, deeds make him feel respected and honored?"
Men, your wives really want two things from you. They want to feel cherished and protected. And this looks different in every marriage. They want to feel like they are more special to you than anything else and that there is no way you could live your life without them in it, nor would you want to. They want to feel like you would not only die for them, but you would go out of your way to make sure they are safe in every big way, and in every small way. This could range from taking care of their car to never saying or doing something that would intentionally hurt them. Like I said, it will look different in every marriage, but just ask yourself this question every single time, "
"Is what I am about to say, think do, going to say to my wife that I cherish her and want to protect her? Will my words, thoughts, deeds make her feel cherished and protected?"
I confess to you, I do not always remember to do this. And after a while of not doing it, I find that my marriage becomes stressful, unpleasant, volatile, and rocky. But when we mutually meet each other's most basic needs, our marriage is everything it should be.
You want to revolutionize your marriage? Practice these simple truths. Respect and Honor. Cherish and Protect.
All that to say, that's good advice. I should take it myself . . . WAY MORE OFTEN.
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